Respect Yourself - Kane Gang

I've been looking through the 12WBT forums, and somebody posted a really odd question.

What's the shallowest reason for loosing weight?

Which made me think about a mothers group I was apart of and the way they made me feel.

When I was a manager with Woolworths, I knew exactly who I was, what my capabilities were and what my reputation was.

I was a proud, driven and motivated worker,  who really set the standard very high. I lead by example, if I wanted my workers to work hard and know what was expected of them, I did the shift with them. I kept doing those extras because if they saw I cared, then they would care about my department.

I had once started my shift at 1 am in the morning and walk out at 11.30pm - YES COMMITTED & CRAZY !!!! But it was important to me.

I had simple expectations, work hard, strive to be happy, be honest and keep the work environment positive, if things were going on in your world, I was happy to sit and listen over a cuppa, but lets keep it to no gossipping and a respectful workplace where we can just work together and be happy.

So when my bundle of joy came along I felt really quite loss, I knew it was everything I ever dreamt about but I didn't ever think I would feel completely lost at the same time.

As a manager I was told how good I was, in my sales, and my gross profit, everything was measurable, and I took home a good pay packet that told me I was working really hard.

With a baby? Oh my. There was no instructions, I had to muddle my way through it, with everyone else seemingly had an opinion, what you should or shouldn't be doing. A  dummy?  To breastfeed?  Aren't you going to try formula? Are they sleeping through the night yet?  Perhaps they need to start solids earlier than 6 months, can we visit?  MY HEAD IS SPINNING.

While I'm trying to work out a new baby, I felt this pressure that I had to BECOME THE "PERFECT" HOUSEWIVE TOO. Some days, just getting my foot into the shower was hard enough, brushing my teeth? Wasn't that what you did when you finally ate breakfast at about 10am?  Gone was that manager, she disappeared the moment I walked out on maternity leave.

 I had a very, very, easy labour, I literally nearly had him on the toilet, and I just asked can I have a suppository for my "Big Poo', and  go home? They had enough time to throw the birthing mat over my head and wham he was here. I was in the birthing suite for 11 minutes.  I felt so ripped off, I had been reading, What to expect when expecting, I had a god damn birth plan, I had lollies, and a dvd. I'm a planner, I plan everything, and this was not my plan

I went through my pregnancy with another girlfriend Marnie, who was also pregnant, and met another girl Michelle during the birthing classes, and I shared a room with Clare.

Clare and I shared our first baby's birth-day and during the night, I could hear her getting frustrated, so I offered her the only things I had, my tim tams and my What to expect when expecting book, I would sit on her bed and try and coach her, I had never met this girl before but I just needed her to be o-kay. Still, caring for everyone else, how can I make this easier for her?

When we got home a few weeks go by, and I receive a letter in the mail from the maternal health nurse about our first mothers group meeting, so why not?

So as I turn up, I see Marnie, Michelle and Clare, as well as another 11 new mothers, it was a massive group, we then would meet every week at someones house, I never had it at my home, my house was just far too small.

Me, being me spread myself around and spent time with everyone but there definitely was a break away group of 6, I happened to get lumped into the 6 because of my friendship with Clare. I felt awkward having separate meetings away from the other girls as I hate division and I was still friendly with Marnie and Michelle.

I got along o-kay with most of that 5 but 1. She had a very distinct negative vibe to her, right from the start I knew she actually was not somebody I would ever choose to know. I'll call her Ms B.

She would never make eye contact me and if I ever engaged in conversations with me she walked off on me, I just have never encounted someone soooooo rude, but I persisted. Then as we were talking I mentioned that my father is English but my mother is Aboriginal, and she looked straight into my eyes, and said quietly with a smirk,"  Does this mean you're going to try and keep Taj out of prison?"  I could not believe what I heard, I was gobsmack, I've never experienced anything like it, because I have Aboriginal blood, I am a criminal  ????????????

I walked out, I had a head ache, never have I ever not been liked but how can all these women think someone like that is a good human being?

I mentioned it to Clare, but Clare went on the assumption because she was nice to her, she must have meant something else. At some functions we had,  I took my husband.  I asked, "please watch all her body language and what she saids and see if I am making it up?"   He came back and said, "WOW Anth, it's obvious if you want to see it, she's a real piece of work", don't associate with them, they are not kind people.

But I still persisted, I was still invited to the break away lunches, the "group of 6", every house I walked into, they were beautiful and the had the best of the best, they cared about the labels, they took pride on everything they appeared to be. I had no idea why I was ever in this group but because of Clare I kept going.

We celebrated all our kids birthdays in March - April. This particular day which was in OCTOBER, we were at Ms B's house and between lunch she throws down a packet of photos , here just incase you were interested, as I flicked through it, I became aware that I was looking at her daughters birthday party photo's from April, 6 months earlier, everyone around that table had been invited but me. I was good enough to sit at this table but not good enough for this party?  And nobody else was honest enough to tell me, she had announced to everyone, it's okay to treat Anthea like crap, because hey, I have and I get away with it. I was gutted, I was trying ……... but I was gutted.

I went through another year of just feeling awful, they made me feel awful too, but I stuck by them, god knows why.

We were at a Christmas get together at Ms T's place, OVER THE TOP CHRISTMAS party, huge house, huge everything, and of course I've just started weight watchers for the umptenth time, and the smorgos board of desserts were there, I turned to Ms B and said, " God , it's like an episode of the Biggest Loser, when they have an immunity challenge, look at all that amazing food", Her reply, " Why would I watch a show about fat people? They need to stay behind closed doors and leave their clothes on, I don't need to see fat people in their underwear" ...... Pretty sure that was the moment I said, I can't do this anymore.

So the new year came in and I slightly distanced myself, and I became pregnant.

2 weeks before I go into premature, labour my mother announces, she wants nothing to do with me, or my children, as far as she is concerned she has 2 daughters ( I am not one of those) , I am dead to her and to remain out of her life. I can't argue with this anymore, I have a baby in my tummy, and I just can't do HER alcohol abuse anymore !!!!! When you've been doing that your whole life, enough is enough !!!!!

I had the new baby, in June and NOT ONE of those girls offered any support besides Clare.  I had a 6 week premature baby and the only people I had were Clare, Lisa, Marnie, Michelle, and Tara.

So back into the group I go I am in STRUGGLE TOWN, I have PND ( This I don't recognise until everything is o-kay with Zayd ........ 18 months after he is born) .

We went out to a hotel for lunch and I remember 2 distinct conversations, I start the conversation, " Has anyone heard of Facebook? I've joined and I love it?"  
Ms B's response ....... "What book?  NA don't really care about it anyway".

And the other whilst Zayd is non stop crying, (little did we know his appendix was trapped inside his hernia which he goes into surgery to have it repaired) . When once again Ms B, turns and whispers to me, What is wrong with your child? Why can't you shut him up?".

Now I am a very understanding person and I really dispise seeing people treated so unkindly but why did I take it from her everytime?

After Zayd has his surgery, I well and truly back away, I need to look after myself, and when you have PND, you don't want to get out of the house anyway.

It's not until that next Christmas and the sun is shining, I watch Michael jumping up and down on the new trampoline with the boys are giggling, and like in the movies, I see the images in front of my eyes everything is so bright, but why, oh why, do I feel so cold? Why am I not in that picture, why am I not smiling and with that I feel the tears streaming down my face. I am hardly breathing, the tears are flowing down my cheeks and I am so sad.

I get on the internet and I look up depression, then onto  Beyond Blue, and I do a survey, on a scale of 1-20, 20 being the worst, I am an 18.

What I was a manager, I've already been a mum, but how can I have depression? I've always been o-kay ........... but I'm not o-kay.

I call PANDA- PANDA Post Ante Natal Depression Association
www.panda.org.au     I talk and I talk and I talk, about everything I have going inside my head, the lady on the other end, understands me, I am so unhappy, it's everything, it's not the baby, it's just everything, it's mostly family history, but it's EVERYTHING.

She calls back a couple of days later, I book into the doctor, I see the maternal health nurse and I have every type of literature you can get.

I get a counsellor who comes into my house to talk me through things, and she is AMAZING, she was here for me. This was arranged through the maternal health nurse and the local council, a service I would reccommend to anyone who feels the same.

That councilor said to me, " I want you to think you have a barrel of apples and all the fresh apples are on the top, and everyone you met and everyone you have contact with, you give them the most beautiful , juiciest,  freshest apples, at the end of the day, you bring that barrow home, you've pushed that barrow all day, you are tired, you are exhausted and you think you might have an apple, when you reach in for you "reserves", what is left? bruised unedible apples, so you are left with nothing ...... I want you now to take that first apple for yourself, to make you stronger before you offer it to anybody else because, you can't walk around with an empty barrow anymore, you need to make yourself strong first, to push that barrow"........... GOD LIKE MY MARBLES.......... THIS MAKES SENSE TO ME !!!!

While I sit watching Taj in his swimming lesson, I am chatting with my regular mummy who has a daughter in Taj's swimming lesson too, and I am telling her about this mothers group, she the stops and said," OMG, I know who you are talking about, she is a BITCH !!!!! We were best friends all the way through high school and had a huge falling out, Oh NO THIS HAS NOTHING to do with you, she's just a nasty piece of work, always has been".

I felt all of a sudden justified.  I was right all along, but for the "harmony" of the group I kept it to myself. By this time the other girls had nothing to do with me, but that was fine.

Although I do not see this group a lot, guess what? They all discover Facebook because Ms B, has her own account, and I am an acceptable "Facebook friend" ..... not in the real world but Facebook we can all appear to be friends.

Then I see a status update on Ms B ..... I have a lump in my boobie.
Then nothing for a couple of days, in shock the next status is, I have breast cancer.

I am shocked, I don't wish that apon anybody but I thought, she'll be right she has her network around her. I think over and over in my head, how can I make this all o-kay? AGAIN NEVER THINKING ABOUT MYSELF !!!!! 

Watching her go through this I think , this is terrible, her young kids, she's going to loose her hair, this is awful, so I do as Anthea does, how can I make a little ray of sunshine? How can I do something without her knowing it's me , yet make myself feel good?

So the day before she heads off for her first Chemo , which I know is a massive day, I finish work at midnight and I leave the most amazing arrangment of flowers at her doors step, I do this arrangement all by myself. I figured if she sees them, first thing as she goes to hospital,  she will think and wonder who has done this for me, she may never know it's me, and that's o-kay because I've made someone else feel really good, and that makes me feel really good.

Deep down in my heart I knew what tpe of a person she was but I was not lowing my standards for her because I want to believe everyone is good.

I never tell her, I didn't tell anyone, they then arrange Relay For Life for her, and I have not seen them for a long time, I have communicated best wishes, but no one has seen me, and she knows too that she has been unkind to me.

So at 4am in the morning I bake mini quiches, they are hot and steaming and gorgeous and I drive down to deliver them, in the darkness again, I arrive with this gift for them.

She wakes up from the tent , and I hear her say to her husband," No way, Anthea is here? How? What?"  Then she breaks down and crys as she hugs me.

As the sun comes up we walk laps of the oval, we are very honest with each other.
It's during this walk I start talking about my uncle.

That previous December we burried my Uncle, my mother's brother, and I attended that funeral, it was devestating and one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Face my mother, who didn't particularly like me, and the rest of the family who consider me an out cast ...... which is quite fine because I sit very comfortable where I am. I've just paved another road for me to go down but this wasn't about them, this was about Roderick.

All those years I carried the pain of my mother. At his funeral , I was sickened at the way my uncle was being painted. I was furious, he was more than a party animal, who provided them alcohol, he was a beautiful homosexual, who over came being black, as black can be, bashed so many times because he was gay, he was deaf but he was just soooooo beautiful. I literally saved his life too and saw him through AA, and he lived his last 7 years magnificently, he was sober, he loved his life, and he loved his job, he bounced where ever he went and he was every colour under the rainbow.

So I did something I never thought possible, I made my way to the front of the grave and I addressed that whole family. As spoke from a place I never knew I had, I needed people to know he was more than "a good time", he was a fighter and a survivor, and he had this soul that only comes once in a lifetime. He was the one who encouraged me to apply for Monash Uni, where I met Michael and everyday, I will now look into my babies eyes and see that if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have my babies and I wouldn't have my beautiful supportive husband, and I wouldn't be educated.

I walked away from that microphone, took a few steps back, and people lined up to thank me and to hug me, to say thank-you for honoring him in the way they knew him.

Once everyone left me , I grab Michael's hand and I walked away, I walked away from that whole family, I supported my mother by being there, I kissed my uncle goodbye, and I walked across all those graves into the car, when I slammed the car door, I looked at Michael and I said, " WOW, I had no idea, I had all that inside of me Michael, I'm so sorry, I've been so lost, but I think, I'm back, that manager I was before babies, she's back"

On my way home I realised something LIFE CHANGING........... ACCEPTANCE.

• I accept that my uncle has gone.

•  I accept that I can not change my mother and her ways nor do I want to be apart of her life, and IT"S QUITE O-KAY  because I want to live an uncomplicated life and with her in my life I am miserable.

• The acceptance of the positive and the negative, somethings I can't change, I can't change the attitudes of others, that's not up to ME to prove to anyone that they have a different belief system than me.

• I accept that I am a really good person and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

• I accept not everbody is not going to like me or be like me

• I was trying to make everyone understand my sadness about my mother, and my history, they actually just plainly didn't care. The more I talked about it, the more I lived the negative aspects of my life & I lived it over and over & over again and I felt really trapped.

THE GREATEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE YOURSELF IS ACCEPTANCE WITHOUT EMOTIONS BECAUSE SOMETIMES IT IS WHAT IT IS.


So as I was walking around that oval under the moon with Ms B, I thought, you have no idea, how brilliant I am, I left roses for you, I am the better person, I wish you good health but I just need to let you and every unkind thing you've done to me go, you have your own battle  ......  I've got to let it ALL go. I have no idea what path you have ahead of you but I do wish you well.  (She did over come her cancer and is now classed as a survivor.)

I still remained "Facebook friends", with that group of girls, until I began my first 12WBT round, then I stopped and had a really good look at the place I was creating.

I have this INCREDIBLE network of people, I have my real friends supporting me, I have my husband & boys supporting me, I have my BFF (beautiful fitness friends)  I have Facebook friends supporting me, I have my 12WBT- Dirty Thirty group.

Without even realizing it I have designed my life and my network around people I choose to be around, I have created my own cocoon of positive, inspriring people who only want amazing things for me.

And with that I highlighted everyone of those girls names on Facebook and I hid all my activity from them, they have no idea about my weight loss, nor do I care.

They certainly don't belong in my world, anymore  !!!!

They are the shallow people who were in my world, they never got to understand me,  there's more to me than meets the eye but if they ever stopped to get to know me they would have always known that.

I am a beautiful, caring, loving, kind person. Just stuck in an overweight body.

I CAN change my shape, but they can never change the ugliness inside of them ......... I actually want to thank them because they made me stronger and I realised,  I stuck with who I truly believed in & what I thought was important, kindness and
                     understanding......... but more importantly myself .

SO SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE BEAUTIFUL, LIKE MINDED PEOPLE & LOVE YOURSELF.......... LOVE YOUR  LIVE    !!!!!!!



                                             AND RESPECT YOURSELF

I'm Still Standing- Elton John

I've always been a very singular, solo person.

I am not sure whether that's always been a conscious choice, or a self preservation, I am just Anthea.

I played squash, solo sport.  I enjoyed fishing, solo activity, I liked 10 pin bowling, solo effort. I liked to go down the beach & walk, solo. So it doesn't come as a real surprise that I am very comfort being alone.

Nothing too special about me, I just am ......I'm Anthea.  Funnily enough, wherever I go, people know me and just like me, it's a nice place I sit in my world.

I've always just liked to fly under the radar, the most satisfying moments for me are doing those things to show people they are loved, and cared for. They are the moments I live for.

I love to give, I love to make people feel their self worth, to look them in their eyes and tell them, you are beautiful, you are special, and you have something to offer, and that all basically comes back to two things,

• 1) Treat people the way you want to be treated
• 2) Perhaps I got the raw deal when it came to emotional love and support from my parents.

I realised that at a very early age.  Somehow that the love has to come within, sure sometimes we are all dealt terrible hands, some of our own doings, but others .... again out of our control.

I was always the teacher pet, well I liked to be liked, who doesn't?

I never got the most outstanding award for being intellectual, I was the one who got the encouragement award, in Year 11.  I got 9 awards for endeavour, that year. I was so proud of myself, I had no idea what it meant, but I was awarded in front of the school , my teachers were happy, therefore I was happy.

My father is very intelligent, so I thought he would be proud, and when I showed him my award he said," Oh Anthea , that just means you are good at sucking up to the teachers."  Hmmmmm funny how I can seem to forget sooooo many things in my life, but every moment I felt I had disappointed my parents, that I can remember clearly.

He did the only thing he knew, how to "rewarded" me by , buy me "Elton Johns, Greatest Hits" Odd for a 16 year old girl, dad always questioned my music, Queen and Elton John?

Until this year, and I am now 39, my father has just now said, how proud he was of me, in handling my sister's problems because I was supporting him and being strong, he's a strange fella but by god I love him, don't understand him but I love him.

I'm not really ready to talk about Simone in depth, other than we deal with the prospect of her and suicide on a daily basis, and it's hard watching her and hard for us because we just don't have the answers, and it's a torture no one should go through.

After her last attempt, where she was dead but the paramedics bought her back, I drove home and Coldplays, " Fix you" came on, and I realised I really couldn't, this time, and perhaps it was time to fix myself.

I felt like I had failed her, that how could she just not understand the love I have for her? I've been looking after her since she was 14, mothering her since she was 14, ( she is 2 years younger than me) so the pain was very real, and I don't have the answers . Other than, once again, Usher Numb : and the title of these blogs .......... You never know until you let go.

I never got my Year 12 , it was too hard, my family life was out of control, for a 17 year old, to look after your sister & father as your mother is self destructing is bloody hard !!!!  Education, to me was putting on a school uniform everyday and getting your name ticked off.

So I took a couple of years off. To over compensate for not being emotionally connected to us, dad would leave $$$$$ for me every week I got $200 to do the shopping and $150- for my own use, as well as working part time at the supermarket.

So I worked as a  check out chick in Ocean Grove, a beautiful part of the world with beautiful beaches. I was spoilt, I was money spoilt, we weren't rich, but I certainly didn't go without with grandparents giving us everything ( and lived across the road, we were the only grandchild, to an only son)  and dad who did exactly what his parents did for him, we were always looked after.

I knew how lucky I was but was never really affected by it. Money & all the complications I had with it.  I would give that all up, if I had a stable mother and father, who loved, communicated and were just there to provide love, support and a hug ...... now that ..... I would take everyday, money can't buy any of those things  !!!!

Is it no wonder, that  now, I do not live a "rich $$$" life, my husband works 2 jobs to allow me to work part time, and I can be mum. The boys have no idea we live in a 13 square house, that we only buy things when we need them, we have a 1/4 acre block with a tramp, veggie patches and chickens, but by god, those babies know that they are treasured, they are loved and very much needed in our lives, because that's EVERYTHING I wished I had heard  & felt growing up and therefore my babies do live the childhood I wished I had, had !!!! 

See that's once again, knowing what I've gone through, I will be damned if I don't learn from every scar I wear, there always has to be a better way for me !!!! Everything has a worth !!!!  

So dad leaving money for us, was very handy, that was my nightclub entry, my smokes and petrol, for an 18 year old, I'm living by the beach, getting everything provided, geez I'm living as a grown up driving my own car, nightclub entry, being able to legally drink , without really having any grown up  responsiblities ............ WOW !!!!!!

It wasn't until I looked around and I could see girls/ladies on registers that had been stuck doing the same jobs for years. I wondered, are they happy? That's all they ever knew, and I thought, hang on what do I really want to do, will that be me in another 5 years, 10 years because I have no options?

What are you working towards? What are your goals? What have I ever done? Who am I going to be?

So I went home and I applied to go back to school at 20 , I was going back to get my Year 12. It never occurred to me that I would fail, I just knew I didn't want this to be my only option.

So I got accepted into a Year 12 equivalent at Monash Uni. I LOVED learning. I was now living away from my family, and it was all about me.

I had to pass all my subjects by 80% ALL subjects, Maths, English, Law, History and  .........  Biology. BIOLOGY hmmmm  not so good. It just went over my head, so I got a tutor. As soon as I got my tutor, it just seemed to click, and I just knew it. It wasn't hard, I just kept telling myself it was hard and I couldn't do it.  Once I understood it, I really understood it.

Just like before 12WBT, to loose weight, I was just telling myself it was all too hard, and I couldn't do it . I was exercising and doing weight watchers, but I never KNEW the basic calculation, calories in + calories burned = weight loss. It's that easy, so why did I complicate it?   OH AND NOW I UNDERSTAND IT'S NOT THAT HARD AFTER ALL !!!!!

It was only today, December 8th, 2012, I sat with dad at Little Aths and I was discussing my exercising with dad, it seems to be the only conversations I have now because I just love who I am becoming.  When I said, " Insane that , I've become so into exercising, and I've lost 27 kilos". His reply .... "What's insane is that you ever got that big in the first place".

I didn't respond, there's no need to , he will never change, at the end of the day I know he loves me and I am doing it for me and for nobody else because I have those tools, and I have the mindset !!!!

So as I write this blog, I realise, if I can get through a crap family situation, realise by MYSELF that I needed to be educated and not give up to achieve my Year 12,  I could really stand on my own feet, without being given money all the time.

Me, myself & I, that's who I needed   ...... I  so can do 12 WBT ....... 12 WBT isn't over in 12 weeks, this is just who I am for the rest of my life.

I'M STILL STANDING

Songwriters: BENOIT, DAVID BRYAN / EAST, MARCEL THOMAS

 

Music by elton john
Lyrics by bernie taupin
Available on the album too low for zero

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
Youll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, Im coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while Im still standing you just fade away

Don't you know Im still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
Im still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

Im still standing yeah yeah yeah
Im still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

Try ...... Pink



                                                  Where there is desire
                                                There is gonna be a flame
                                                  Where there is a flame
                                           Someone's bound to get burned
                                                But just because it burns
                                            Doesn't mean you're gonna die
                                          You've gotta get up and try try try
                                               Gotta get up and try try try
                                             You gotta get up and try try try



When I realised that I could have a birthday, a significant wedding anniversary, a holiday and a death of a best friend. I almost ramped it up into automatic mode by the final 2 weeks , I knew what was required.

I just stopped thinking and I just DID, actually that's not correct I was thinking the day before about the next day ......  what I was going to do in terms of 12 WBT and what exercise I was doing. I lived and breathed that incredible rush I had in just feeling so amazing.

I had this pure fire in the belly that FINALLY I was achieving something I could never imagine possible.

This was no longer about Jenny or my sister, or anybody else, it was all about me.

I declared to my facebook world right at the beginning that I did not particularly like the body I was trapped in and every time I went to bed, I went to bed unhappy.   That was enormous to admit, I had well a truly said it loud and clear, this time I HAD HEARD IT TOO !!!!!

At the beginning I just kept dropping those kilos, no one in my facebook world seemed to really take too much notice, sure they could see my check in's at the gym or around the lake, they knew I was doing the work, but to what extent they didn't have a clue, I kept it to myself, I hit 600-800 calories burned almost to the T every day. I was running on that tick list, every hour, everyday, every week, tick, it was done. Had I drunk my water?   Yep. I would fill my keg every morning with a glass beside it, so everytime I walked passed I would drink a glass, there was no excuse it was always there.

I am a visual person too, so if I could see the water level drop, it meant I was taking it all in, measuring and visual, How can I make it stick in my head.

I am terrible in remember details or having memories, but I provide myself with triggers , then I can operate better, that's why everything needs to go back in the same spot. I can't "re-track" my movements because I purely forget.

If I need to remember somebodies name I will remember a song to trigger their name, or like at Little Aths, there's a father who runs a lot of things, his name is Kevin, how do I remember? because Kevin Sheedy was the coach of Essendon, memory by association.

The iphone my greatest friend, I have notes and notes on things, to remind me of this and that.

At least I recognise it and use it to the best of my ability !!!!! I'm all about, How can I make it work for me.

As a little girl, my nan started us a charm bracelet and I adored every year getting something different attached to it, because it had meaning, last year I discovered Thomas Sabo Charms.

It really is one of my treasures because of what it symbolises to me but also because it's my nan too, 39 and my nan is still with me. When I began 12 WBT, the link was very hard to attach, and I was almost considering getting extra links put in, it could sometimes take me 5 minutes to put the damn thing on because it would keep slipping, bloody fat wrists.  This was one of the first things I noticed when I began dropping the weight, not the number on the scales, but how easier things were, I could do my shoe laces up, I could do my charm bracelet up on the first go, small things but HUGE things that told me this is working.

I did not report to my facebook friends every week, how I was going on the scales, I would message 3 friends every Wednesday but on  weights & measurements week, every 4 weeks,  that's when I would give a full update on how I was going because to me I was super keen to see the cm change and the fitness change.

When I very first got my knees looked at the surgeon said, "Yes they are severely damaged, but you need to begin physio first", When I now look at that moment I think, was I always looking for that quick fix option?   In my head I wanted surgery NOW, because if I had the surgery I was going to be "fixed", and then I could loose weight, it was my knee's fault that I could not exercise !!!!!  Again not taking a good hard look at myself.  It was actually the ENORMOUS amount of calories I was consuming and ZERO excercise that was ALWAYS THE PROBLEM !!!!! I was lazy and living in denial !!!!!

So down I track to the physio, such a lovely man, and he asks me to do a squat, I could not even hold a sqwat in 3 seconds. He just looked at me in bewilderment , he shook his head and said," I am so sorry, I in no means do I want to offend you, but you have the worst knees I have ever seen for someone of your age, darling, how are you even functioning? How are you getting out of the car? How are you getting out of seats? How are you even getting off the toilet?" I burst into tears, not because of what he said, but because someone finally understood that in everything I did I was reminded how bloody hard my body was working".

Somebody actually empathised with me, so from that moment I began working on building those knees, and took on water aerobics, without even thinking I was beginning to build a path, it would take me another 3 years to find 12WBT.

I had been doing weight watcher for years, I love the program, but I was stuck. I would hear the leader talking about a girl who had lost 35 kilos, and when asked what her secret was, she said," My marbles".

I thought this girl was a space cadet !!!!!

She had a set up of 2 vases of the same size, she had filled them with marbles, one side (the left side)  was full which represented all the weight she wanted to loose, eg 40 kilos, each marble she saw as 100gms, so if she lost 1 kilo, she would move 10 marbles over to the right side. (funnywhen I lost weight weight, I bought McDonalds)

It became her visual on how far she needed to go , and also how far she had come. There was a positive and a negative side, and it SOOOOOO made sense to me !!!!

Here was that measureable aspect that was in my sight everyday. I have my marbles on a shelf in the kitchen and I look at it all the time, on how far I have come, it has nothing to do with scales and a number, it's just there, and it reminds my that every weigh in is a marble in the right direction.

                                 (While doing the 12WBT first round for me)

      Into my second round and week 2,  I have lost 26 kilos of that 40 kilos
                                                        ( in 2 rounds)

I found the more weight I lost, I would have to keep on top of changing that heart rate monitor every Wednesday, drink that water, eat the right amount of calories. Some weeks I didn't feel like the dessert, and never made those calories up, the weeks I didn't eat all my calories were the weeks that weren't outstanding, So I had to eat, and I had to feed my body.

My aqua classes were always hard work, but I was moving through the water quicker, and my heart rate was decreasing I was exercising at just above 100, and coming out of the water burning 200 calories, I was beginning to feel tense, Why work for an hour for not much burn, I want the exercise over and done with, same with the walks,  I was walking longer until I burnt those calories. So I had to think how can I make this work for me?

So with my aqua , I wear resistant gloves in the water, which makes me work harder, and also wore weights when walking on my arms to weigh me down to get my heart pumping. often you would see me on the local bmx track doing laps, on the inclines, faster heart rate, always thinking how can I make this work for me. Instead of giving up because it wasn't going to work, I always made it work.

I had an anniversary dinner, so I did 3 - 1000 calorie burn days, because I needed it to work !!!!

Sure I thought about it but I just did it. That JFDI is the best thing saying.

I remained focussed , consistent, and I ticked all the boxes and I kept it real.

I sure as hell made the effort to put myself here.

I am giving up time with my family to exercise

I had lost my beautiful Jen.

I was going to bloody reap those rewards, because I am so worth every single blood sweat and tears & effort   !!!!!!

At the end of the day I was creating a brand new life for myself, because the old Anthea who had stepped into that surgeons office, wanted the quick fix. THERE IS NO QUICK FIX !!!!   AND IT"S ONLY UP TO ME TO BELIEVE & JUST DO !!!!!



                               YOU GOT GET UP & TRY & TRY & TRY

The End Of The Line- Traveling Wilbury's

It's suppose to be the day I start cooking my Christmas Puddings the 1st Of December,  but I've also decided to go through my cupboards too, that's my day, planned, instead I feel I need to sit down and begin this blog  !!!

We have been doing some renovating in our house, naturally it all comes down to $$$$ we had carpets put in, in July and never put the wardrobe doors back on, planning to get sliding doors on .... eventually, so everytime I look into the wardrobe, it's fairly organised usually but with all the exercising and ramping up to Christmas I haven't really made it a priority, on the "to do" list until I caught up with Chris this week.

Chris was Taj's specialist teacher, she had 10 children that she took , one on one classes absolute gem of a lady !!!!  We actually met before Taj had begun school, when I began weight watchers, so the umptenth time, Chris had hit goal weight and just attended the meetings to support her daughters and sisters that were doing the program. This year, she has stepped out of the school system and helped care for her sick mother, and with a new born grandchild, it was a perfect transition for her.

I would text Chris just to check in on her, an occasional playdate at the park and a good gossip, she had not seen me since July so the change was enormous, 26 kilos gone. When I arrived at the cafe she just bounced out of her seat, " Are you serious? What's going on"?

I was super excited that I had kept a secrect suprise. When it was time to wind up, she said, you really need to follow me home in the car, I just live up that street there, so I followed her. When we got to her house, she pulled out a bag on clothes. BEAUTIFUL clothes !!!!!  I've only ever shopped at K-Mart, Target and Autographs, limited on the size selection.

She said," I've been hanging onto these, not want to part with them, because they cost me a fortune, they are all designer clothes, so I am so thrilled, if you want them, you can take them". WHAT ????? I was floored, I have always done things for everyone else, but for someone to do something for me? Just made me feel amazing. Hence why I need to sort through these clothes !!!

I've cleared everything onto the bed and the sit there like a never ending mountain of clothes, this was suppose to be an easy process, anything over a size 20, is going, into bags and donated.

Never could I have prepared myself to the emotions I am feeling, I feel so sad.
For the person who would open the wardrobe and just stare at the clothes , thinking if somehow I could be genie from I dream of genie and blink and I could choose any clothes I want and they fitted me and I was comfortable.

I would agonise what do I wear? What do I look o-kay in?  It was never what do I look good in?   Rather than what size am I ? And do the buttons do up?

There had been times where it was all too much, and I just told my husband to go without me, because it was all too hard, and  I would go and sit on the couch and eat some chocolate. All those times I left him down, and I let my children down because it was all too hard.

As I have a look at them , I am crying, Michael just doesn't understand, "Anth it's a great thing, you don't need these clothes anymore, so why are you so upset".

I'm upset for the person I was, so many clothes that I just throw on un ironed becaused I didn't care what I looked liked, the only color I really wore was black, and clothes that had big holes in them and bleach stains, I just didn't care. That's what I believed I was worth, I was worth nothing, not even the clothes on my back because I just didn't care.

 Clothes that saw me through 2 pregnancy , a lot of them are at least 9 years old, and I've just never bought new clothes, unless we had a function to go too.

I just had no idea that this was going to be sooooo hard, it's like once again I am having a good hard look at myself, and what I thought my worth was, and how I carried myself. If I didn't care about myself why would anybody else?

I am looking at some clothes, thinking why did I ever waste my money on these clothes? Yep because that's the only thing that fitted me, really quite confronting.

Then I have another thought that is racing through my head, but what if you need them?   But everything telling me, I am so far over the mountain that there is a NO POINT OF RETURN. I am running away fast from that size 24 !!!

I really am saying good bye to Anthea before 12WBT, she carried so much around with her, in every sense, and I wore that too for everybody to see, I can't even remember being happy in some of the clothes.

I am replacing them with beautiful thoughts, beautiful energy and a smile that just speaks volumes, that I am here, I am important and I know I am walking a little prouder because I am finally putting together everything with a whole lot more color than black I would only wear.

I don't need to wish to be a Genie anymore, because I am making the magic happen for myself by remaining focussed , determined and passionate.

 This is for a bigger purpose, it's all for me and that my friends is bigger than any piece of clothing !

IT WAS THE END OF THE LINE FOR MY CLOTHES.

Newton Faulkner - Dream catch me.

This song to me has always been about me & my husband, he is always there no matter what.

Whenever anything goes a bit off kilter, he is always there and no matter how many people may come in and out of my life, he remains consistent.

 There is a saying that I've seen on so many wedding programs, "today I marry my bestfriend" . It's always been a lovely little saying, but I just think when life really kicks in like children, loss in the family, finances, it always comes back to this, he's my best friend, and he is my everything. Without him I would not be a mother, and without him, I most diffinitely would not be so grounded !!!!   To look at Michael , you could easily look past him, he is very quiet and reserved, sometimes a little  socially awkward but he is a deep thinker and he is an amazing father but most of all the is my biggest supporter and he is my love.

There is another song by Bernard Fanning called "Watch over me", and this has already been noted, as my funeral song, there are just too many lines that I can relate to, and one of those is,"When the sun is beating down on my brow, you are my shade, you cool me down".

Never once has he commented on my spirialling weight. He has seen me start and give up many times, each time I ask can I join this weight loss program, he always supported me, when we were "juicing", he was juicing, if we were drinking shakes, he was drinking shakes too.

He has lived the torture I put myself through everytime we had a function and I would stare into the warddrobe, with a blank look because nothing fitted me, and if they did, I just felt so ugly in them anyway. There have been many times it was all too hard and he would just say,"It's all o-kay, I'll go by myself, if that's what makes you comfortable", and he would take the boys and I would stay home by myself because I just couldn't face the world.

In June this year we went down to Tassie , Tassie is always our destination every year because I am still very lucky to still have my aging grandparents.  ( 88 &87)

My grandparents have always had an opinion about my weight, grandma is quite open with her thoughts, my grandfather is a little less, yet I can feel the untow everytime I am there, and each year, I am coming back heavier and heavier.

Tassie is a great place for my photography , so each day it was more about the next photo opportunity. Waterfall ......  thats what I love, waterfalls. I would carry all my equipment around with me up these mountains, it took me such a long time to get to the top and m equipment was oh so heavy. I would be stretched along the side of the mountain huffing and puffing and I could feel my heart racing, and the arthiritis in my knees would be screaming and swollen, but it was all so worth it, to get that one photo I knew I would love. As I would reach the top, with hardly any breath, I would feel so guilty that this is the body I am "trapped" in , this is the person I have become, and I felt like I had ripped him off.

For years I hid behind, "well being a mother is the most important thing and I'm carrying the baby weight", if the truth be known and if I was really honest the weight almost immediately came after I changed my maidden name nothing to do with babies.

Never once has he ever mentioned my weight gain, he has even stayed really consistent with my weight loss too. I don't think he has ever said to me, " Well done on your weightloss", what he has said though which I think is more important, " God Anth, you seems to be moving better and doing things easier, you must be feeling amazing"

I just don't think you can do this program without doing the pre-season tasks, and I mean,  really doing them. I wanted to gloss through them because I started late, but I still watched those video clips many times, and I looked at my before photos weekly. When I had to list down what I wanted to achieve, all I had was a blank page, Ummmmm I don't want to see 120 plus anymore, and gosh can under 100 kilos ever be a reality? I wrote I wanted to loose 5-15 kilos, because I just had no idea if I could even trust my own ability. It was such an unknown.

When it came to the fitness test it took me over 2 weeks to submit it in full because I could already hear the internal thoughts in my head, I don't run, I've got to run 1km?  Push ups? I can't even do one,  my knees are too sore, does she not know I have arthiritis, I can't put any pressure on my knees, If I'm going to be exercising I will probably pull a muscle anyway way so why really bother?

When I finally got around to doing the 1 km run, I had my son home with me from school and I didn't want to miss my aqua class, I figured after my aqua class, I can head up to the gym to use the treadmill.  I can walk 1 km on the treadmill and he can just sit on the floor of the gym, I wasn't going to be there for long, I had like 200 meters to go , when the young instructor came up to me and said, "You need to leave immediately, your son should not be in here", and she hit the stop button on me ..... I was devestated.

I knew I was pushing the boundaries of him not being there, but I just needed to do this last thing. The Anthea prior to the 12WBT sign up would have blamed that girl for making me fat, and I would have just driven straight through the McDonalds drive through and eaten a feast !!!!!!   But that was I real grunt moment for me. This girl had no idea how important this was to me, Michelle Bridges was waiting for this bit of information. I felt awkward enough in the gym as it was, I had no idea how to use the lockers, and the scanner thingy,  god I was already announcing, fat perrson who doesn't have a clue and shouldn't be here in the first place before I had even entered the gym,and now this girl has already confirmed it. I should not be here because I'm too big !!!!!!  That was such a big day moment for me because instead of hearing everything I had just told myself mentally, I marched out not only angry at her but with a  ..... I'll  bloody show you attitude because this is sooooooo important to me, I'm searching for a NEW ME.

When I got home I drove 1km in the car around the block and had decided that's where I am going, and I'm doing it tonight !!!!   It's not that I was fuelled by her, it was that something clicked in my head that said, "NO MORE POOR ME , NO MORE EXCUSES .......  I CAN"T DO IT BECAUSE I'M FAT, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW HARD THIS IS , THE VICTIM IS HERE & NO ONE ACTUALLY CARES!!!!  ".

When I wrote down my pre-season tasks,  I had not written anything specific, in my head I thought hmmmm 1000 steps in the Dandenongs I wonder what that's like ?  The thought of even doing one flight of stairs would frazzle my head.

When ever there were stairs, I looked for the elevator not because I didn't want too use the stairs, I physically could not do it because I was in too much pain.

Picking up the boys toys off the floor was just so challenging, and I keep hearing that voice in my head screaming, doesn't anybody know how hard this is for me ?

It was that girls fault at the gym, or it was Michael's fault or it was because I'm a mother and the boys needs are more important to me?   Damn hard, and damn exhausting living in a 120 kilo body !!!!!

The only person who was to blame was me .

If there's one thing I really wished I had done, was to write down all the things, I wished I could do and couldn't do because I was limited by weight & the inner thoughts that filled my head

- Walk up stairs without pain
- not walk out of work in pain
-no knee brace
- not pick up something without groaning
- follow the boys around at the pool without feeling fearful I couldn't get them in time.
- not worry about sitting on a chair , in fear of breaking it.
- carry the groceries in without puffing
- tie my shoe laces up properly
-Go on the playground with my children
-Ride a bike
- wear shoes other than sneakers because my knees hurt.
- not have to have a nanna nap, to get through the day
-go to bed early
-not eat food when I come home from work at midnight
-be able to hang the washing out with huffing & puffing
-not have pins and needles in my arms, while I'm sleeping due to poor circulation
- not worry,  that this time when I have the diabetes test, am I finally diabetic?
- worry about what clothes I'm going to wear?
- Is this the day my knee finally collapses and I need that surgery
- Wonder if my grandma can stop asking how my weight is going?
- Doing the head checks in the car, sooo difficult
- pulling myself out of the car, and my knees are grinding
- sit on a beach without me thinking people are looking at a whale?
- even do one push up on the fitness test
- forever looking for the easier option
-getting off the toilet, yes, even that was affecting me because my knees would be crunching and buckling.
- come summer can I wear anything else other than tracksuit pants.
- wonder what it's like not to have my legs rub together?

Now when I look at these, I have to really think of a list of things I found hard, but had I done it at the beginning I could have given you so much more. So if you are reading this now, and just started, go and do this because if you keep true to yourself, your needs and wants, you just might find like me , right know, you even forgot they were struggles and wishes and you are just now doing it !!!!! Because it so gets so much easier, everything gets easier if you are just consistent and remain true to yourself.

It really played on my mind the goal setting as we were coming to the end of our 12 weeks, I knew I was doing things easier, weight loss, measurements & fitness tests were telling me, I knew I was doing things easier but I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Should I really set myself up to do something before the 12 weeks is over, to milestone it? Michelle said YES it NEEDS to be done. Hmmmmmm so I literally slept on it every night for a week. I had decided I was going to do those 1000 steps.

What is The 1000 steps?

                                          ( 7 minute video on the 1000 steps)


I was excerising a fair bit with Nina, and she just took me up on the thought when I mentioned it too her, and  she said, right I'm picking you up early on Sunday and I am driving you.
Nina had done this a few times, probably could run up them now a couple of times, I was not at all nervous, the conversation there was great, and I had already mentally prepared that this was something I HAD to do.

Boy it was soooo busy, and we went early, can't even imagine what it would be like during peak time.

Through this process I was always joking that I didn't think I could get my heart rate and higher than 160, I usually sit anywhere between 120-140. As we were only walking up to the base of the stairs, on an already steep incline, my heart rate monitor was racing already at 150, whether that was nerves and tension I had no idea, but it was tough going before we had even started.

It had me thinking about the stairs in my relation to my 12WBT journey.

That incline was the pre-season, it was hard, it was confronting, I had to own it and get real that I was the only one to blame. Didn't matter what other people said, it was actually what I was telling myself. I was telling myself that it didn't matter, that I was
o-kay.  That really was the hardest part for me. The pre-season,  the build up, do I really want to do this? Am I really going to commit to this?  Please don't let me fail, what if I can't do anything?  What if I stay over 100 kilos?

But here I was walking up this incline, JFDI I keep hearing in my head. A saying I had never heard, but by god it's on repeat now in my head !!!! This was my pre-season I was walking and the top was the last day of round 12 !!!!

Heart -rate 170- 180, "Nina are you sure I'm not picking up your heart rate monitor? You're the one who works this hard not me",  " I'm pretty sure it's all you" she would reply. Steady and at my own pace was what I kept hearing, move over if you need to,  whether it was from Nina or in my head. With every step , she took with me.

A few times I thought, god if I get to the top, I can't text Jenny, but that would soon bounce out of my head because for once this was all about ME. This was something I thought I could never, ever, ever do, I am fat, I am obese and I have pain, so much more than a sore knee ....... I've been carrying pain.

With my Reiki, I had worked through a lot of it, but if I could do this, if I could just make it to the top, well I've done it, Ive really done it, I've stayed true to myself, committed to myself, I've loved and I've lost through the process but I would know that no one else did it, I had support, but I was the one who made every choice to exercise, to say no to the once irrisitable ,  to make everything I put into my mouth count, I was going to do it.

The last few steps are sooooooooo steep. I am barely getting the oxygen in, I thought loosing 25 kilos, would make this easy ......   Nina says to me you are so close the end is just there I can see it, and it sure is, I grabed the hand rails and I was pulling myself up those steps, literally all four were working to get me up to that final step .... our 12 weeks were over in 2 days, m walk was over in 2 steps !!!!!  

As I get to the top I smile and give her a hug, WOW , it's done, it's really done, and I did it, those same knees did it.

Then I sit down, and I can take in all the oxygen and I stop and all I can hear is my heartbeat. There are a lot of people around, they probably do this every week. Me this is my first time and I feel really "Usher" Numb.

I look up at the smiling Nina, she just knew how important this was to me, I don't think ANYBODY else could understand HOW UNBELIEVABLE THIS WAS FOR ME &  life changing this was, and she pulls out her camera, and this is the photo she takes.

I'm trying to smile but my cheeks and lips say it all ......  I'm happy, I'm proud and I just want to cry.

 I came down the steps on an absolute buzz, I could have high fived every god damn person, and I wanted to tell everyone what I had done.

When we were driving home I just went to another place. Without even knowing it, I had accepted someone really amazing into my world.

It's so bizarre this revolving door called life, I loose Jenny but I welcome Nina. With Jenny I had honesty, with Nina I have compassion, empathy, and honesty.

A day to remember for just about everything of this first 12 weeks. Nina this next song chorus is for you, and only you.  I will forever remember the day I worked out everything I was holding on to, what I had lost and what I had gained.

And stepping home to my husband, I felt everything finally was o-kay in my world.