Alicia Keys- Brand New Me

I was flicking through all my cards in my wallet, banking cards, license, medicare, this shop, that shop's loyalty card,  in my head I was thinking, god why do I say yes to all this, so they can bombard me with emails?  Next card, ....  next, card, Where's that damn card I want in the first place?   Then I saw it, the card that would make me stop everything my thoughts ....... my working with children's card.

I remember that day, I was in such a flurry because I really wanted the paperwork done.  I was desperate to help out at school, but needed "clearance" first. My background check of course would be perfect, but I didn't want to get a photo taken, that photo, that image of me was far from perfect !!!!  I sure didn't like what I saw in the mirror, why would I want to have that image forever?

Well I had too, my child was more important to me, if I was to be there for important excursions, then I just had to stand there , this is me, I suppose. I wasn't to smile and that was fine, I didn't feel like smiling anyway, I felt nothing but revolting !!!

 I am naturally getting a lot of compliments,  37 kilos is a lot of weight to loose in a year. I am very measured in what my response is. Especially who it is too. I've watched people's reaction to me, some people want to discuss it, some people don't know how to approach the topic. I am very mindful of people who are over 100 kgs and what their response might be, yes I'm an over thinker when it comes to the way other people may feel. I'm not going to preach at them. Weight loss is a very personal and emotional process, we all have different reasons for loosing the weight, but our wants and desires are the same,  basically just to live a healthy, comfortable and functioning lifestyle and it's a change FOR LIFE, that's what I want anyway.

When I began loosing the weight, one mother walked home with me after school drop off and fired all the questions at me, as I answered her, I could see the expression on her face, hmmmmmm.  She said to me, " I just don't think I could do it", I said, " Yes .......but have you even tried? .....  What if you just could? Isn't it worth at least exploring if  the pay off is feeling so amazing?"

So it was no surprise to me that the next day I saw her out running around the block. I tooted & woof whistled at her. The smile on her red face was priceless. I thought, YES, that's what I'm talking about !!!!!   JFDI .  At the end of the school year I saw her husband. I said, " I saw your wife out running a few times now", and his reply was, " I think you set a fire in her, after your talk she said, I'm just going to try".  I've watched her, and I just feel so proud of her, she has changed, she has lost 15 kilos since December, and supports a brand new "modern" hairstyle. She has done all the hard work but I can't help but feel super proud for her.

I'm also really proud of my blogging and my sharing, I share mostly with my D30 group and a handful of friends in my "real" world. This week I was able to sit down with my beautiful girlfriend Clare, it seems such a lot has changed in our parallel worlds and the time just melts away, between visits.  But when I can sit on a couch and just listen and talk , I feel like I have found exactly where I need to be, in that moment in time. I've changed so much in 6 months, but Clare and I remain the same.

6 months ago I was 120kgs, my best friend was dying of cancer and my sister was questioning everyday whether she wanted to live in this world and I was lost, and I was SOOOO  tired,  I was tired of everything that was beyond my control, being OUT OF CONTROL.  So I took back all the things I could have control over, my food, my exercise and my attitude.

So I open right up to her about my blogging and I read her my " mothers group" blog, Respect Yourself.  I would never have had the clarity to articulate what my emotions were , face to face but through blogging I am able to express to her my entire thinking.

For those 8 years Clare had no idea the full extent of my unhappiness, and in one blog, I am able to share the real me. We cry, but I feel like a weight has been lifted because I can now just be a friend to her, I don't care for any one of those mothers,  any more ....... only her.

I am surrounded by so many people who give me so much than they will ever realise and for that I feel so blessed, to be living in my world right now .

I am a people watcher, I love people responding to me, I guess I just like a happy world. My school community is a wonderful environment. None of those mothers have ever made me feel worthless,  truth was, I was doing a pretty good job of that by myself, because of this wonderful environment , I needed that working with children's card, to be apart of this community.

They see the changes in me and tell me often but those who love me regardless are also quick to tell me, they love me no matter what size I am.

So as I sit in McDonalds  (at a children's party) yesterday.  YES it still blows my mind that I can sit there and it's just a building, no longer the place I NEED to have a Big Mac. I sit with those lovely mums. It's funny how when they ask what I did for morning, I don't tell them I've spent 3 hours exercising, I just say great morning, people don't need to hear about it all the time. Yet they want to apologise for eating McDonald's. It just goes over my head, if they enjoy themselves, that's got nothing to do with me. Odd place to be, they owe me no explanation, I am doing this for me. I don't expect anything from anyone, this 12wbt is about me and me only.

I then smile at these gorgeous women, who have said, " We never saw you as big, Anthea, you're just Anthea but clearly you are happier. I needed to share with them my photo, that I found on my working with children's photo.

As I passed it around, one mum actually gasped and just said, "Wholly hell Anth, that's friggin  unbelievable". I never, ever saw it, there's no way I can even remember you like that. CRAP. Totally different person and I thought, yep I don't even know that person in the laminated card.

So thinking yesterday about those mothers and my morning with Clare, I drove home thinking now 12wbt is giving  a "new body ", but I am finding a whole brand new me.

BRAND NEW ME- Alicia Keys.

It's been awhile,
I'm not who I was before
You look surprised,
your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you,
but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new kinda of me
Can't be bad,
I found a brand new kinda of free

Careful with your ego,
he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God know something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need, why you mad?
It's just the brand new kind of me
Never bad, I found a brand new kinda of free

It took a long , long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised
Don't be surprised

If I walk a little taller,
if I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller I been under you too long
If you notice that I'm different, don't take it personally
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new kind of me
Never bad,
I found a brand new kinda of free

It took a long, long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised oooh, see you look surprised
If you were a friend you wanna get to know me again
If your were worth a while you would be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry, I'm too busy trying to find myself
I've got this, I've found me I've found me yeah

I don't need your opinion, I'm not waiting for your okay
I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave
Now my heart is open, and I can finally breathe
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new kinda free
That ain't bad,
it's just a brand new kinda of me
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new time for me
Songwriter(s): Noah Shebib
Copyright: Roncesvalles Music Publishing

Better Than - The John Butler Trio

I heard my girlfriend say to me, the other day " You know, I think I might be able to find the time to exercise, if only , I wasn't so busy ...........  I just think,  I like my life this way because MAKING OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY .........MAKES ME HAPPY.

It was like I was having an outer body experience, I was observing but rewinding to 5 months ago. This was me, that was my standard line ......  Making other people makes me happy.

I still love being spontaneous and the reaction of people feeling amazing if I have made them happy, but there is a completely different pay off and it doesn't cost me anything ..... anymore.

For the longest time I was forever trying to please people, to do the right thing, to say the right thing, even if I was so super tired from not sleeping the night before, I would be the good friend, the good helper, but I was so empty. I was running on empty all the time, I never knew how to say to myself, stop and recover and only take on what you can because you are just as important.

In my first round, I powered through, my weeks, I had too.  I actually was in survival mode but when the round was coming to a grinding end, I just wanted to push myself that little bit extra to hit 25kgs, oh the pressure I put on myself.

When I saw that loss on the last Wednesday, I could have just dropped on the floor like they did in, " The time warp", from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I made it.  Had I done enough for Top 20?  I certainly surpassed any expectations I might have had, I actually just wanted to loose 5-10 kilos, but I just felt empty again.

I didn't celebrate me at all, I actually just cried. I've never had such mixed emotions, I was so enormously proud of my commitment to myself and my strength, yet I missed Jenny.
 
Because I went so hard, for such a long time, I thought I would give myself a couple of days off between rounds and "live/ relax". I did no exercise (for 4 days) and had one meal out.

That was OMG, to me, I was living on the edge, I dare not have a soft drink though, that's just too far out of the comfort zone I had now created.

So it's no surprise now when I look back at my first round that I did not start well. It's not that I did anything wrong, I just didn't do everything right.

So when this round was coming to an end, I put NO weight requirement on myself, I set my other non-weight goals, and ticked all of them off, and when I got my 15% email & finished off my blog, I thought. I'M DONE. I'm looking after me in a whole different way.

For a week and a bit, I caught up with girlfriends, I went out for meals, I was on a weeks holiday from work, to settle my preppie into his first year of school and I am just removing myself from 12wbt. It was planned but I just needed to back off.

I certainly didn't go out and eat pizza and soft drink and ice-cream ...... everyday :)

My biggest splurge was a bowl of mixed sorbets & I ate chocolate before I went to bed.

Let me tell you before I ate those chocolate bars before bed, I felt like I was punishing myself. Like nan forcing me to eat brussel sprouts, when I knew it was the last thing on earth I wanted to do, but I knew why I was doing it. I did NO exercise ( for 7 days)  and I felt sooooooo awful, it was planned, I completely knew that's what I wanted to feel. Controlled awfulness.

This was the way I choose to lead my life for so many years, I never knew what a calorie was, little more than burn a calorie?  I ate before bed and never had a good nights sleep. That's where I wanted to push myself, I want to push myself back to feeling revolting.

I went shopping and I could not concentrate on anything, I was sluggish, I couldn't hold a conversation, absolutely had no concentration. All I wanted to do was go to bed and stay there. My body was just rebelling. I needed to feel this way, I needed to remember all the emotional feelings I had with not respecting myself. I even wore my big clothes, and my old undies. Terrible, I felt terrible.

It was a hard week when blood tests from my son had come back that he needed further testing to see if he was diabetic, so in & out of hospital I would go too.  

As well as planning this, I planned my FULL medical check-up. Perfect timing to remember because it's in between rounds. The nurse and doctor were amazed at my progress and they also made up treatment plan for my 12 weeks.

I asked for my birth control ( IUD)  change over, for my bloods to be taken and to have my breasts checked. Just like that car, I am in empty and I was pulling in for a full service.

The doctor cleared my right breast,  that was painful  one that I was worried about but she found a lump in my left breast, which is completely amazing because I can't feel it. Looks like in this week, I am to have 2 hospital visits, 2 ultrasounds and a mammogram.  All of these were add ons, to a week that was suppose to be unplanned.

What I was most looking forward to was the Dexa Scan , which I had booked in November, for the end of the round ( February).

Michelle Bridges had recommended getting one and I thought, I would love that, as its a totally new measurement, other than kilos and cm's and something to base this new round on. Come and hit it from a different angle and a whole new measurement for me, to combine with the full medical from the doctor too.

It took about 5 minutes for the scan to move over my body. I just lay there still, as he explained what the scan was introduced for, it began as a bone density measuring tool for mainly to  detect osteoporosis in the bones, but is used a lot in the fitness industry now, especially body builders and athletes.

When I hoped off he then explained area's of information that the scan revealed. It was totally mind blowing. I was only wishing that I had seen him in August. He was just amazed at my weight loss, but when he went through my body make-up, it become really clear why my body had reacted the way it had, to the program.

The beauty is that the scan weighs every part of your body, what your fat mass is, what are the leaner parts of your body and where your muscles lay.

It tells me to the exact kilos and target weight I should be aiming for and based on all my own personal body make up, how many calories I should use in a day to burn fat from my body and my exact calorie intake, to maintain that weight. Which was exactly what I was after. How do I make it,  that this is ME for the rest of my life?  With this type of scientific information I know exactly what makes me tick. I will under go this process another 2 times to compare changes in my make-up.

So for now, it's still about stripping off the fat layers which is all the yellow/ orange layers, then to turn what's remaining into shades of pink and purple. So for the moment it is about still calories in and calories out. The rest is my longer term goals but this gives me higher goals to aim for and just a brand new measurements.

                                      What a leaner, fat reduced body looks like



So yes I have had an enormous 2 weeks of internal and external testings. Taj was cleared of juvenile diabetes, my birth control is in, awaiting results from the breast scans, and surprisingly my blood pressure is spot on.

I can't help but wonder, how much 12wbt has played in all this?   If it wasn't between rounds, would I have insisted on having all of these tests & measurements done?

Would she have felt my lump if I had all that extra layer of fat there?

Would I still have my IUD in,  it really should have been taken out 5 year ago, but I was "too busy".

Why did I leave all these things? I suspect because I was telling myself that my happiness was making other people happy but re-doing everything wrong for that week and a bit, only proved to me how bloody important I am, and my OWN happiness should be just as important  !!!!! Bigger picture, my own HEALTH IS PARAMOUNT !!!!!

I am thinking through my passed 2 weeks I am still tired, I've had a range thoughts but I just don't entertain any negatives and what if's?  Until we know what we are dealing with. 

What's the point?   Just sit back and relax & don't look back on life and only see tragic.  ( Better Than) .   I now prefer to set those goals for life and I will achieve them !!!!!





"Better Than"

All you want is
What you can't have
And if you just look around man
You see you got magic
So just sit back relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life man and only see tragic

Because you could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better

All the time while you're looking away
There are things you can do man
There's things you can say
To the the ones you're with
With whom you're spending your today
Get your gaze off tomorrow
And let come what may

Because you could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better

All I know is sometimes things can be hard
But you should know by now
They come and they go
So why, oh why
Do I look to the other side
'Cause I know the grass is greener but
Just as hard to mow

Life's not about what's better than.

All you want is
What you can't have
And if you just look around man
You see you got magic
So just sit back relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life man and only see tragic

Because
You could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than

 

Queen. It's a kind of magic

I heard the other day, that it was over 20 years ago, that the world was in complete shock that one of  " The superstars", of the game of basketball, Magic Johnson, had declared his sudden announcement he was retiring because he had contracted, HIV.

Which got me thinking about my next blog, do I ......  don't I ?   I wasn't going to but it does help my thought process and people respond to my blogging ..... and that I love.

So I am thinking about this song choice, for this blog ?  Yes I have to have at least one Freddie. I had such an obsession with the different performers, Elton John, David Bowie, Prince, Freddie Mercury.

 Why?  Because they dared to be different. They didn't care what people thought of them .... perhaps they did, but to the world, they dared to be proud & original. I completely admired their fearlessness, as a young person, discovering the world, I had no idea who I wanted to be, but I knew I liked strong people.

At the time of all the HIV hysteria, I was still very young, all I really knew about HIV, was very little and that scary, scary advertising campaign of the grim reaper, bowling the bowling ball down the alley. 

How much little information we knew, yet it was an awful time. Around about this time I would watch over and over again, my very black, deaf, homosexual uncle who battled to remain sober, be beaten many times because he choose a different lifestyle.

Fighting for his life in hospital. just became the norm. I really couldn't understand any of it. He was my beautiful, beautiful uncle, how could people be so ugly?  So what if he loved another man? I just didn't get it. I guess I feel very fortunate to have actually lived that because it did teach me unconditional love.

He was actually very intelligent but being Aboriginal he never really had much opportunity to excel at anything, he didn't trust his ability.

Does that sound a bit familiar?  He could be the biggest supporter & cheerleader to everybody else, yet never saw his own ability and what could be possible for himself.  Hmmmmm ??????

He was always one of my biggest supporters and really encouraged me to come up to Melbourne to study a Year 12 equivalent at Monash University. During my High school Year 12, my mum decided to go AWOL and is it no wonder I failed miserably.

I would live with him at my grandma's house. every morning we would sit there beaming and discussing our day ahead. He was the student co-ordinator & I was one of his students.  One morning he woke up and he was most odd, I couldn't put my finger on it, I asked but he said, " I want to tell you something, but not yet", "O-kay, when you're ready , I will be here", was my reply . I waited a few more days, that odd hesitant look  ...... but nothing. I waited.......Until it came out, from nowhere.

" Anth, will you still love me if I tell you something?". " Roderick, of course I will, I've loved you all my life."  ........ " I need you to know I have HIV".

I can't remember anything but getting up from my chair and wrapping my arms around him and bursting into tear, my tears were because he trusted me, what a secret, but he trusted me, and I needed him to know, I would still have physical contact with him, the disease he carried but he was not the disease !!!!!

I would carry that around with me, and to tell you the truth, I actually forgot, it wasn't even important to me, he was just my Uncle.

At the beginning of the (Uni) school year. I would tart myself up because the "office boy", was rather delicious. I would put contacts in my eyes, which would always look red raw by the end of the day, I would wear make up which gave me panda eyes  all to impress this boy. The office boy was so shy, that I doubt he ever popped his head up to notice.

Then the office boy had to take us for a tour of the campus. Oh wow, here is my one and only opportunity to get him to notice me, so I thought all morning, make sure you say something that makes you outstanding to him. So I approach him, thinking, intelligent, sophisticated, amazing, that's what you need to be. As I open my mouth to ask him the question, all that came out of my mouth was ........ Can I take an apple with me ???????  Ha, WHAT  ????????  I just turned my back and begged the world to open up swallow me. I had that moment to shine, to weave my own type of magic but epic FAIL !!!!!!

Roderick and I laughed, and laughed all the way home. What a fool I was, meticulous planning and that's what it all amounts to was a question about an apple.

I went through and made great friendships with the staff and when I needed help, I asked for it. I studied, Law, Biology, English, History. To achieve your pass mark you had to pass everything by 75%  to get your Year 12 and acceptance into Uni. I had never applied myself with my education and being so far away from home was perfect, because it was all about me, I was so proud of myself. I managed to still hold my week-end job running the deli department in Ocean Grove and study all at 21.

I received really great marks and was accepted into an Arts degree, I went to a few classes but thought, great topics, history, sociology & anthropology, but what to I do at the end of it? I would then try hospitality as well and pass that, but I eventually become a Deli Manager, something I was always good at, and at the end of the day I LOVED it.

I haven't stopped to count the years that have passed but 20 sounds like a hell of a lot, since that Magic Johnson press conference. I got married, had two beautiful boys and I would watch Roderick overcome his alcohol addiction and become one of the first recipients of a cholera ear implant, which would CHANGE his world FOREVER, and my god, he soared and painted the sky with rainbows with his new found freedom and confidence.

It was a massive shock when Roderick died on December 13th , 4 years ago, it wasn't the HIV, it was a heart attack, he was healthy, he was living and skipping through life. It would be at his funeral that I would address my entire family. I was unhappy that he was not being honoured for his achievements, yes he liked to party and had a drink too many but that's the way they knew him, I KNEW him. He was MORE than that.

As I addressed them, I thanked him for, for believing in me and for teaching me all about unconditional love. He saw the magic in me,  he gave me the opportunity that he never had as a teenager in the form of my education, sure I was given the tools but I did all the hard work.

That's what this 12Wbt is all about. There is no magic pill, no magic wand that you wave around and say, am I there yet?  It's hard work and it's about remaining true to yourself, no matter what life throws your way !!!!!  You may not know your potential ..... yet.

Dare to be different, be your own Freddie, Bowie, Elton John, Prince. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN KIND OF MAGIC !!!!!  Believe in yourself !!!!!!


The last thing I thanked Roderick for in front of his grave was the chance to take that apple ........... because that apple gave me that "office boy"  ....  Michael ......  & my two beautiful boys ......... who love me unconditionally. 



IT'S A KIND OF MAGIC

It's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic
A kind of magic - no way

One dream, one soul, one prize
One goal, one golden glance of what should be
It's a kind of magic

One shaft of light that shows the way
No mortal man can win this day
It's a kind of magic
The bell that rings inside your mind
Is challenging the doors of time
It's a kind of magic

The waiting seems eternity
The day will dawn of sanity
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Is this a kind of magic?
It's a kind of magic
There can be only one
This rage that lasts a thousand years
Will soon be done

This flame that burns inside of me
( From: http://www.elyrics.net )
I'm hearing secret harmonies
It's a kind of magic
The bell that rings inside your mind
Is challenging the doors of time

It's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic

This rage that lasts a thousand years
Will soon be, will soon be, will soon be done
This is (this is) a kind (a kind) of magic (yeah)
There can be only one one one one
This rage that lasts a thousand years
Will soon be done - done

Magic - it's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic
Magic magic magic (magic)
Ha ha ha haa - it's magic
Ha haa
Yeah yeah
Wooh
It's a kind of magic