Thursday 7 March 2013

You're So Vain- Carly Simons.

I often put a lot of thought into my blog before I have even published it, it can take days to get what I want onto the page, and many read throughs to see if I have nailed what I wanted to say and even then,  I see so many mistakes and grammers when I re-read them for the umptenth time, but in full content and context ,  I feel really happy with what I have shared and each time I feel a sense of  ..... Ah done.

When I look and read through them, I think is that too much information for people to be bothered reading or even caring ? I also think ...... does that even matter ? Because this blogging process has been more for myself and my own process but I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear people comment that they enjoyed it and feel they can push on, I think gosh it's worth all those hours I put into it.

So it suprises me that I am sitting here and writing again. I have no idea what song I want to put to it. I usually know what song I want but to this blog ..... hmm not sure.

So what's this blog about?

My son's itouch has been "misplaced", for quite sometime and he was thrilled that when we moved his big solid bed, there it was.

So I wacked it on the charger, last night.  I've been so thrilled he has found it because we really didn't want to replace it for his birthday which is in a couple of weeks, this wasn't the only reason, I knew that he is a keen little photographer like me and often follows me everwhere.

I've been busting to get to his photo library, I knew there were candid photos of me, daunting and exciting. I was ready to look through them.

What I found was holding my breath stuff. This is how my beautiful son saw me. He knew no different, I'm just his mum.

What I see ........   I really can't even explain, it's more this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I showed Michael and we just stared at them.

He asked what do you see, I said, "its funny I just published my blog on how happy I am  today...... then I look at these photos and I'm feeling so sad for THAT Anthea. I was so lost, tired  and I was not happy and it shows in every aspect."

I have often said that I can't comprehend the "amount" of weight, I have lost. When I look in the mirror I see that I am physically changing but the spacial difference is a hard thing to wrap my head around, when all I've ever seen is an image I CHOOSE not to see.

 A mirror and a good deep hard look in it was never a past time I CARED to invested in.  I did my hair, and brushed my teeth in a mirror and that's about it.

Now here they are ...... and here I am , through the eyes of my son.




 
 
 

Now here I am through 2 & a bit :)  rounds of 12wbt.

 
 

 
 
Wow, do you think I might enjoy the mirror a bit more and having my photo taken ? 
 
My nan use to joke with my pop, that he was the vaniest man she ever knew and would sing a song. " Your so vain", because he couldn;t walk past a mirror without looking at himself. I loose at least 5 minutes, perhaps even more, because the refection is one I am proud of and I've worked hard to achieve. I am so glad that I have kept these photos. It is who I am , it is still me but I am just totally different. So ask me right now, do I see a difference ....... HELL YEAH. Has it been worth every choice I've made !!!!!!!
 
My son still knows no difference, I'm still his beautiful mother but I do.
 
 
 

Wednesday 6 March 2013

Hall of Fame- The Script.






It might be the second phone call I've had from my sister today, which seems to be a bit low, for the amount of times, she usually calls, but that's o-kay because each time I hang up I am reminded at how far we have come in 12 months ago. 12 months ago I almost didn't have her in my world.

It has to be the hardest thing,  to beg someone to live, when they really just don't want too. I stepped away from the hospital remembering the look in her eyes she was so desperate and so empty. When I asked her if the overdose was"accidental" or whether it was an honest attempt on her life?  her reply was ....... " I'm so embarrassed to be alive", I want to be dead.

I don't know whether it was pure selfishness on my behalf because I needed my sister or I just wanted her to believe in herself, but begged for her to stay with me.

 How do you to tell someone that because you love them, they need to hang on, when they don't see a damn thing worth loving in themselves, in the first place?

 I understood completely, by that stage,  I had heard her  !!!!!   I wanted to discuss the possibility of her wearing a no re-suss bracelet, just in case this exact situation came up again because I loved her,  I had to explore this as a very real option.  Painful, oh so painful, but I understood the deeper meaning of love.

Dad was holidaying and I was the only person that could make any call on her well being.  I had to make sure she accepted all the help that was offered. Such a gentle line you have to walk, the most delicate of delicate eggshells you walk across. That fear of, if I say the wrong thing, what could happen?

 It helps to listen, and to keep your ears open,  when I spoke to the counsellor at the hospital I was able to tell them EVERYTHING about her life, I didn't leave ANY details out, just in case I gave them that one piece of information that could trigger that recovery for her.  I remember her face as I was speaking, and so exhausted she whispered, "wow you care, you were listening to everything I said, you really care about me".

When the hospital released her, she had to live at dads apartment, the police had to break through her door to get to her because she was unconscious, it was an old building, they had discovered asbestos in the lining of the door, therefore she had to be evacuated and was not allowed onto the premises. 

We sat in dad's apartment, I had made her oodles of food, so she didn't have to think about going out into the public, she had all the groceries done and we had a mountain of clothes and shoes to sort through. I had arranged for Diabetes Australia to do a pick up in a couple of days and I was making her de-clutter and remove everything from her life that she had been holding onto.

With each clothing I told her what size are you? Do we only keep the clothes that fit you now ?

With each piece of clothing, I pulled out , I asked keep or toss?  If she said keep, I asked why?  See ..... I had no emotional attachment to these clothes, so it was easy for me to be brutal. She sat in the middle of the room her left shoulder was toss, the right of her shoulder was to keep. If she even hesitated and paused to "think" of the reason or the excuse why she needed it  ........  I tossed it.

If it was a quick explanation and she didn't need to think about it, I opted to keep it.

I had a re-think pile too - a come back to , a little bit too hard and we will think about it.

It was such a huge process because I could see a weight was being lifted. We cleared out 9 garbage bags. She was a hoarder and was still holding onto things that she had as a teenager, it was time to let it all go.

The only normal thing at that time was coming home to Michael and the boys. He was so amazing he didn't once question me for my time, we needed to move Simone into a new apartment so he did it, he put together book cases, moved boxes, drove from one end of Richmond to another and he just treated her with so much love and respect, he never judged her, he never said an ill word of her, he just loved her because she is family.

Like clock work I knew when rock bottom was coming from Simone, ( we had so many downs in a space of 3 months)  she was so consistent with her behaviour, like being stuck on a roller coaster I was riding that daily but I could never seem to get off. I could encourage the support of the C.A.T team, working with psychologists, her doctors, her counsellor, but the one thing I was silently begging for her to get under control was alcohol.  I can't help but think, the root of most of this evil was the binge drinking, and that was a huge factor but I also understood this was also learnt behaviour from both our mother and to a certain extent my father.

I consider myself a non drinker, if I have one , it would be perhaps 1 drink every 2 years, and I literally mean 1 drink. It's all too hard of a concept for me ....... yet my, "silent"  addiction was eating.

With alcohol, it's mind altering, it alters your behaviour, your decision making but it can also affect others in the cross fire of any of those altered states you may have , sometimes that was me ..........    a sober me, in the line of fire !!!!

My poison was my food, was I hurting anyone else? NA , it was only me, I was only ever hurting myself   ........ I was telling myself I was totally fine, I was happy, I was happy being a mum and I was just plain happy solving everyone elses problems and upholding the role. Funny how it was as clear as mud what MY happiness was 12 months ago, I was just going through the motions too, same as Simone but just on a different level. I just happened to be looking after everyone else but myself.

Oh and was food hurting anyone else besides myself?  ........ um ...... yeah  ....... my family. They were missing out on a lot because I wasn't available to them, I was tired, everything seemed too hard and I just couldn't be bothered. I was exhausted physically and emotionally.

It got to the point where I just kept taking the phone calls and messages from Simone, each time I knew she was alcohol affected but I just couldn't tell her you have a problem, I kept relating it to myself. How would I feel if each time I ate food, someone told me your fat because you only have yourself to blame. It's an awful thing to think. I was too sensitive nor was it anybody elses business what I did with my own private life , I was "happy" ( in denial)   ............ In my opinion I could not over step the line too much because then I would be forced to have a look at my backyard,  I wasn't too keen on that, I was putting on a really good face besides ........ everyone was counting on me.

So I had made the decision to join 12wbt, I needed to regain control, and having a good hard look at myself in that before photo, was so vital because that's exactly what I needed Simone to do but I also realised as hard as that was, that was MY process, not anybody elses, that kind of clarity can not be told, or demanded from anyone else........  that's something you need to go through for YOURSELF and not only that you need to see it and feel it too.

I stepped away and I exercised and I forgot to think about Simone after she slammed the phone in my ear and accused me of not caring for her and putting my family first, and she wished she could swap places with Jenny. I thought that was the cruelest thing to say.  What an insult on every level   !!!!!    I realised she was sick but I couldn't argue or fight with her any more.  I thought, what will be will be but I am on my own path, I'm not sure what 12wbt will bring me but god isn't it worth a try?  I need to just space myself from everyone and everything there was nothing more important, than me.

Those months flew and I have next to zero contact with Simone, I actually don't miss her either because I am assuming she is finding her own feet,  she will call me when she needs me, my birthday comes and goes in the October, I hear and see nothing of her, and for once I actually don't even worry.

It's not until just before Christmas,  that we are finally o-kay, and she is busting to see me. We have a really nice Christmas,  she is still really tense, the medication is better, she is moving like a zombie in slow motion but she is almost attempting a conversation, which sounds like madness but when you go through what we had been through ..... It's an improvement.

When she sees me , she bursts into tears, " I can't believe you've done it, you look completely amazing".

Sometimes actions do speak louder than words and I had to trust that I had done enough for her to see that, food was an enormous challenge for me, it was my addiction, it was my emotional puller, it was always my plan  A, B & C, it was my only option and for a longest time that's who I always thought I was ever going to be.

It was time to fix me and make me stronger too, but if that meant that she could also draw strength from me, then it was a win, win.

I remember walking away from Christmas begging to the higher powers, please let that be enough for her to realise that she's done a lot of hard work, that we've been through the worst. I feel really wonderful, please .....  please let 2013 be her year because 2012 has certainly been my year of rediscovery.

Well since Christmas she has began working and taking on her role at work, she is managing and partaking in everything, she is becoming this opinionated, thought provoking person, who is now goal setting, she is discovering herself again yet, it's still one step at a time. The most pleasing thing is she, all by herself as admitted that alcohol is an evil for her and is now in AA but that she came to all by herself and I couldn't be more prouder.

She does not "need" me anymore and it's the greatest feeling that I had to blindly let go, ( with my mind wide open) but it was a risk worth taking.

What if ....... what if  she could do it all by herself ? Once again this was ANOTHER USHER NUMB - YOU NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU LET GO. Not only for her, but also for me. I had been "mothering" her for a very long time !!!!

What fascinates me about this whole 12wbt process, and I'm not sure if it's THIS program, but it's everything that goes with it that has made me trust and believe in myself in a whole new way.

A few weeks ago, I was unable to participate in my regular aqua class. That instructor is a maniac, I call it my Manic Monday, aqua then Cxworks, it's my guaranteed 600 calories and I LIVE for Monday's ( as well as my SSS).

When I was turned away, I was furious that I could be dismissed and my loyalty meant , well..... not a great deal that night ( of course the sensible Anthea does realise it's a business decision and that's just the way it is)  I went through the emotions of, well I can go back to cx and still see "the nice instructor", I can go home via the restaurant and go and buy cake and have my own pity party and believe that it was a complete personal attack on ME,  ( poor victim Anthea)  or I could go home and walk/run until I hit 400 calories, because I know that's how much I would get out of the class. So I came home and I went for a run.

My run is a walk with intervals, run for 30 seconds then heart rate to 140 then walk it down to 120, then run again for 30 seconds, this night was hot, it was 32 degrees & my heart rate was high to begin with, whether that was because I was pumped, not sure.  So I decided to just get out and bloody do it. I ran for 60 seconds on, heart rate at 170 then dropped it to 145, and ran again for 60 seconds. I ended up burning 550 calories in 45 minutes, INSANE but I just needed to do it.

When I was warming down I had come to the biggest breakthrough and ended up thanking the centre of this gift of clarity ............. I no longer needed the "safety net" of the aqua classes, it had served me well and not only gave me my healthy outlook and desire, it also gave me a good friend in Nina, but I could do this on my own, actually, I've been  making amazing decisions on my own for awhile now, and I really trust that this is who I am, I don't hold onto any fears anymore. The FEAR OF BEING FAT IS NO MORE.

I don't fear rejection anymore, what if I can't get to my class ? HEY I NEED A PLAN A, B & C ......... that's going to work for me !!!!!!!

The next day I walked into my gym assessment that was pre-booked, with Jamie.  Jamie has had me from the start (3 years)  and I just wanted to really show off , how well I've been been going but Jamie was not in, so I had to see Paul, who is the new gym manager. This was my first time I met Paul.

He asks me, do I mind if it's him who does the assessment. I looked at him like he was completely bonkers, of course I don't care, I just want a good workout. Now it's not his reaction that surprises me, it's my own, I actually don't care about who thinks what of my body, I want it to become stronger and leaner and I want to explore and push myself to a brand new level. OMG, I can't believe that 6 months ago I had no idea how to scan the bar code to get into the gym, I didn't know how to use a locker, and what if everyone looked at me BECAUSE OF THIS BIG OBESE BODY  ????????     I just don't care to give it a thought anymore, I just want to get in there and do it.

So I sit down with Paul . He asks me what is it that I was looking for. I explain that I have lost 37kgs since last year and just looking for "something new"  because I have had a Dexa Scan done and this is now my new focus.

He is most interested in what information the Dexa Scan gives and we look through the information. He asks me, to write down what my week looked like in that first 12 weeks, so I did and he looked at me and said, " You are a freak, if that's how much effort you've put in, no wonder you have got the results but we are flipping it on his head and pushing your body to a whole new level".

This is exciting to me, here I have an enthusiastic person, who wants to develop and change my whole outlook in a whole new direction. I now discover that this is refreshing, and exactly what I was looking for.

  
                                                     
                              I am doing squats on bosu, yes I can and I love it.


                                              
 
 

                                 Ab crunches on a fit ball, yes I can and I love it too.



I am still doing my aqua classes, but I don't rely on them, I don't "need" them to push me, it's not the only thing I can do because that's all my body allows me to do. I can ask my body to do new things, and it's the most exciting thing.

I was asked was my PT, sexy?    I had to think  ........ clearly very fit, but I have to answer, yes ......... he is gorgeous because he is passionate and enthusiastic and excited about pushing me and my body for results on that Dexa Scan, anyone who is passionate about what they do ........ that is sexy !!!!!


So today when I hang up the phone for the first time in almost 12 months I actually forget about , "whatever" it was Simone wanted to discuss because I know we weathered the all bloody hurricane that was ripping through our lives and today I step on the scales that was my own personal hurricane  and I actually don't really care what the number of weight I have lost or haven't lost because I am finally really happy and content.

When I began my 12wbt my goal was 85kgs from 120kgs, I sit 2kgs away from that goal. I'm not "stopping", I'm just not pushing for THOSE numbers anymore, within a "time limit" .  I eventually want to get to 69 because that's my Dexa Scan measured goal weight but I also want to be made up of leaner muscle mass too but I'm just not rushing through "the weeks" to get there because I see my longer term goal, which is manageable and the LIFEstyle ahead of me, that's very achievable and within arms reach.

I am feeling fitter, stronger and healthier but more importantly I am just living and loving my life and I'm excited about my life, something 12 months ago seemed like an impossible dream for me & for my sister.

I think Simone's going to be o-kay, actually for the first time I honestly  believe, she has found herself again   ............. and I know I'm really thriving and striving, and I feel very content and for once I can say I'm really  happy to be me, I just hope she feels the same way too ........... You can find your way to your own .......... Hall Of Fame.







"Hall Of Fame"(feat. Will.I.Am)

Yeah, you can be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the King Kong banging on your chest

You could beat the world
You could beat the war
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

You can throw your hands up
You can beat the clock (yeah)
You can move a mountain
You can break rocks
You can be a master
Don't wait for luck
Dedicate yourself and you gon' find yourself

Standing in the hall of fame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

You can go the distance
You can run the mile
You can walk straight through hell with a smile

You could be the hero
You could get the gold
Breaking all the records they thought never could be broke

Yeah, do it for your people
Do it for your pride
How you ever gonna know if you never even try?

Do it for your country
Do it for your name
'Cause there's gonna be a day...

When you're standing in the hall of fame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

Be a champion, be a champion, be a champion, be a champion
On the walls of the hall of fame

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers
(Yeah)

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions
Be truth seekers

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions

Standing in the hall of fame (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah, yeah, yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

(You can be a champion)
You could be the greatest
(You can be a champion)
You can be the best
(You can be a champion)
You can be the king kong banging on your chest

(You can be a champion)
You could beat the world
(You can be a champion)
You could beat the war
(You can be a champion)
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

(You can be a champion)
You can throw your hands up
(You can be a champion)
You can beat the clock
(You can be a champion)
You can move a mountain
(You can be a champion)
You can break rocks

(You can be a champion)
You can be a master
(You can be a champion)
Don't wait for luck
(You can be a champion)
Dedicate yourself and you gon' find yourself
(You can be a champion)

Standing in the hall of fame