You're So Vain- Carly Simons.

I often put a lot of thought into my blog before I have even published it, it can take days to get what I want onto the page, and many read throughs to see if I have nailed what I wanted to say and even then,  I see so many mistakes and grammers when I re-read them for the umptenth time, but in full content and context ,  I feel really happy with what I have shared and each time I feel a sense of  ..... Ah done.

When I look and read through them, I think is that too much information for people to be bothered reading or even caring ? I also think ...... does that even matter ? Because this blogging process has been more for myself and my own process but I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear people comment that they enjoyed it and feel they can push on, I think gosh it's worth all those hours I put into it.

So it suprises me that I am sitting here and writing again. I have no idea what song I want to put to it. I usually know what song I want but to this blog ..... hmm not sure.

So what's this blog about?

My son's itouch has been "misplaced", for quite sometime and he was thrilled that when we moved his big solid bed, there it was.

So I wacked it on the charger, last night.  I've been so thrilled he has found it because we really didn't want to replace it for his birthday which is in a couple of weeks, this wasn't the only reason, I knew that he is a keen little photographer like me and often follows me everwhere.

I've been busting to get to his photo library, I knew there were candid photos of me, daunting and exciting. I was ready to look through them.

What I found was holding my breath stuff. This is how my beautiful son saw me. He knew no different, I'm just his mum.

What I see ........   I really can't even explain, it's more this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I showed Michael and we just stared at them.

He asked what do you see, I said, "its funny I just published my blog on how happy I am  today...... then I look at these photos and I'm feeling so sad for THAT Anthea. I was so lost, tired  and I was not happy and it shows in every aspect."

I have often said that I can't comprehend the "amount" of weight, I have lost. When I look in the mirror I see that I am physically changing but the spacial difference is a hard thing to wrap my head around, when all I've ever seen is an image I CHOOSE not to see.

 A mirror and a good deep hard look in it was never a past time I CARED to invested in.  I did my hair, and brushed my teeth in a mirror and that's about it.

Now here they are ...... and here I am , through the eyes of my son.

 

 

 

Now here I am through 2 & a bit :)  rounds of 12wbt.

 

 

 

 

Wow, do you think I might enjoy the mirror a bit more and having my photo taken ? 

 

My nan use to joke with my pop, that he was the vaniest man she ever knew and would sing a song. " Your so vain", because he couldn;t walk past a mirror without looking at himself. I loose at least 5 minutes, perhaps even more, because the refection is one I am proud of and I've worked hard to achieve. I am so glad that I have kept these photos. It is who I am , it is still me but I am just totally different. So ask me right now, do I see a difference ....... HELL YEAH. Has it been worth every choice I've made !!!!!!!

 

My son still knows no difference, I'm still his beautiful mother but I do.