Pompeii - Bastille.

I can feel that constant head ache, it's been there since Sunday. I so wished it was because I was dehydrated or detoxing from junk food but it's none of those, it's the worry and the ...... I give up that I just can't seem to settle with. It's like my whole body & mind hurts, things were suppose to be so different but here I am nearly 12 months later and what has changed? Really 30 kilos has gone but nothing has changed ....... but perhaps me ?

On Sunday I went to a 6 year old birthday part at McDonalds. I am one of those mothers that can sit within the group and join in the conversation or I am quite happy to sit away by myself too.  This was Sunday, in less than 24 hours the kids were back at school, my knee surgery was coming up to 6 weeks and I'm so ready to make the gym and aqua classes a part of my everyday routine, oh how I've waited for this exact moment.

I came armed with my folder with coversheet, pencil case, calculator and menu plans to write down my next 3 months of weekly plans, but more importantly this weeks plan. The mums know who I am and don't even question when I sit down & begin my planning. They understand me and accept me that this is important to me, it's so odd to be so comfortable and supported.

My phone silently flashed, a number I've never seen before ..... okay I'll let it go to message bank, I have no idea why I still think, perhaps it's Helen, my mother who I haven't spoken to in over 6 years but I guess that's just the way my brain thinks.

Then as I listen to the message, my blood turns cold and my face is a blank, the mothers look at me & say Anthea, Anthea, is everything o-kay. In like slow motion I see them talking but I can't hear them, I'm trying to think clearly on what I am to do. I'm a planner & I action things but how has it come to this, at a busy McDonalds that I am to 1) trying to understand how my mother is on the other end of the phone and 2) How can I do this all over again?  How can my sister be "saved" again from her 3rd suicide attempt?

Please pick up the phone, please pick up the phone and just talk to me. I've always been able to talk her around, but what if I'm too late and it doesn't make sense to her and she doesn't respond to me? Oh please be strong.

She picks up the phone and Oh so groggy, I have to calmly ask her what she has done, and do I need to call for an ambulance?  On the inside I want to jump down the phone and I want to slap her in the face but I have to be measured, it's crucial that she hears me.

I ask her to walk over to the front door and unlock it so paramedics can come in, she does but she then asks me to cancel the ambulance and let her die ........ that I can not do. I understand it but it's an impossible ask of me and with that, that's the last conversation I have had with my sister.

The McDonalds is still loud and busy and the kids are playing and the mothers have a worried, concerned look on their face. Well Anth?  Have you called the ambulance? Yeah, I have ...... but with a lump in my throat that doesn't even shift when I swallow I reply ....... but I think I may have lost my sister forever because I haven't given her what she wanted.

It's so hard to explain to anyone about addiction and mental health, if your not living it, it's hard to fully comprehend or understand it but it's hard on EVERYONE.

So all those good intentions of doing my shopping list & menu's,  well that just didn't happen, plan ..... plan ..... plan , it's suppose to be that easy but this was something I just never saw coming.  Hmmmm sounds just like my knee, I did everything right, but could have never had predicted the surgery.
So what if I close my eyes?  It almost feel like nothing changed at all ...... I can almost still see Jenny, my sister is still my sister, but more importantly I know who I am and what I am capable of doing. I am loved, I am determined, I am strong but whilst my heart is still beating.

I will continue to ask the question that made me sign up.

What is life?

 

What are MY choices?

 

What is it that I can control?  

 

What can't I control? Therefore I need to let it go

 

How do I make it work for me?

 

I've been here before but I was 130kgs,  I've hiked mountains, ran up sand dunes, I've buried my best friend, and had surgery.

 

Where do we begin ? The Rubble or our sins ?

 

We all have to have a start but the ending & MY LIFE is up to me.  

 

 

I WILL BE AN OPTIMIST ABOUT THIS 

Bastille- Pompeii.

 

I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settles around us

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?