I was flicking through all my cards in my wallet, banking cards, license, medicare, this shop, that shop's loyalty card, in my head I was thinking, god why do I say yes to all this, so they can bombard me with emails? Next card, .... next, card, Where's that damn card I want in the first place? Then I saw it, the card that would make me stop everything my thoughts ....... my working with children's card.
I remember that day, I was in such a flurry because I really wanted the paperwork done. I was desperate to help out at school, but needed "clearance" first. My background check of course would be perfect, but I didn't want to get a photo taken, that photo, that image of me was far from perfect !!!! I sure didn't like what I saw in the mirror, why would I want to have that image forever?
Well I had too, my child was more important to me, if I was to be there for important excursions, then I just had to stand there , this is me, I suppose. I wasn't to smile and that was fine, I didn't feel like smiling anyway, I felt nothing but revolting !!!
I am naturally getting a lot of compliments, 37 kilos is a lot of weight to loose in a year. I am very measured in what my response is. Especially who it is too. I've watched people's reaction to me, some people want to discuss it, some people don't know how to approach the topic. I am very mindful of people who are over 100 kgs and what their response might be, yes I'm an over thinker when it comes to the way other people may feel. I'm not going to preach at them. Weight loss is a very personal and emotional process, we all have different reasons for loosing the weight, but our wants and desires are the same, basically just to live a healthy, comfortable and functioning lifestyle and it's a change FOR LIFE, that's what I want anyway.
When I began loosing the weight, one mother walked home with me after school drop off and fired all the questions at me, as I answered her, I could see the expression on her face, hmmmmmm. She said to me, " I just don't think I could do it", I said, " Yes .......but have you even tried? ..... What if you just could? Isn't it worth at least exploring if the pay off is feeling so amazing?"
So it was no surprise to me that the next day I saw her out running around the block. I tooted & woof whistled at her. The smile on her red face was priceless. I thought, YES, that's what I'm talking about !!!!! JFDI . At the end of the school year I saw her husband. I said, " I saw your wife out running a few times now", and his reply was, " I think you set a fire in her, after your talk she said, I'm just going to try". I've watched her, and I just feel so proud of her, she has changed, she has lost 15 kilos since December, and supports a brand new "modern" hairstyle. She has done all the hard work but I can't help but feel super proud for her.
I'm also really proud of my blogging and my sharing, I share mostly with my D30 group and a handful of friends in my "real" world. This week I was able to sit down with my beautiful girlfriend Clare, it seems such a lot has changed in our parallel worlds and the time just melts away, between visits. But when I can sit on a couch and just listen and talk , I feel like I have found exactly where I need to be, in that moment in time. I've changed so much in 6 months, but Clare and I remain the same.
6 months ago I was 120kgs, my best friend was dying of cancer and my sister was questioning everyday whether she wanted to live in this world and I was lost, and I was SOOOO tired, I was tired of everything that was beyond my control, being OUT OF CONTROL. So I took back all the things I could have control over, my food, my exercise and my attitude.
So I open right up to her about my blogging and I read her my " mothers group" blog, Respect Yourself. I would never have had the clarity to articulate what my emotions were , face to face but through blogging I am able to express to her my entire thinking.
For those 8 years Clare had no idea the full extent of my unhappiness, and in one blog, I am able to share the real me. We cry, but I feel like a weight has been lifted because I can now just be a friend to her, I don't care for any one of those mothers, any more ....... only her.
I am surrounded by so many people who give me so much than they will ever realise and for that I feel so blessed, to be living in my world right now .
I am a people watcher, I love people responding to me, I guess I just like a happy world. My school community is a wonderful environment. None of those mothers have ever made me feel worthless, truth was, I was doing a pretty good job of that by myself, because of this wonderful environment , I needed that working with children's card, to be apart of this community.
They see the changes in me and tell me often but those who love me regardless are also quick to tell me, they love me no matter what size I am.
So as I sit in McDonalds (at a children's party) yesterday. YES it still blows my mind that I can sit there and it's just a building, no longer the place I NEED to have a Big Mac. I sit with those lovely mums. It's funny how when they ask what I did for morning, I don't tell them I've spent 3 hours exercising, I just say great morning, people don't need to hear about it all the time. Yet they want to apologise for eating McDonald's. It just goes over my head, if they enjoy themselves, that's got nothing to do with me. Odd place to be, they owe me no explanation, I am doing this for me. I don't expect anything from anyone, this 12wbt is about me and me only.
I then smile at these gorgeous women, who have said, " We never saw you as big, Anthea, you're just Anthea but clearly you are happier. I needed to share with them my photo, that I found on my working with children's photo.
As I passed it around, one mum actually gasped and just said, "Wholly hell Anth, that's friggin unbelievable". I never, ever saw it, there's no way I can even remember you like that. CRAP. Totally different person and I thought, yep I don't even know that person in the laminated card.
So thinking yesterday about those mothers and my morning with Clare, I drove home thinking now 12wbt is giving a "new body ", but I am finding a whole brand new me.
BRAND NEW ME- Alicia Keys.
It's been awhile,
I'm not who I was before
You look surprised,
your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you,
but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new kinda of me
Can't be bad,
I found a brand new kinda of free
Careful with your ego,
he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God know something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need, why you mad?
It's just the brand new kind of me
Never bad, I found a brand new kinda of free
It took a long , long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised
Don't be surprised
If I walk a little taller,
if I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller I been under you too long
If you notice that I'm different, don't take it personally
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new kind of me
Never bad,
I found a brand new kinda of free
It took a long, long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised oooh, see you look surprised
If you were a friend you wanna get to know me again
If your were worth a while you would be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry, I'm too busy trying to find myself
I've got this, I've found me I've found me yeah
I don't need your opinion, I'm not waiting for your okay
I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave
Now my heart is open, and I can finally breathe
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new kinda free
That ain't bad,
it's just a brand new kinda of me
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new time for me
Songwriter(s): Noah Shebib
Copyright: Roncesvalles Music Publishing
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