Better Than - The John Butler Trio

I heard my girlfriend say to me, the other day " You know, I think I might be able to find the time to exercise, if only , I wasn't so busy ...........  I just think,  I like my life this way because MAKING OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY .........MAKES ME HAPPY.

It was like I was having an outer body experience, I was observing but rewinding to 5 months ago. This was me, that was my standard line ......  Making other people makes me happy.

I still love being spontaneous and the reaction of people feeling amazing if I have made them happy, but there is a completely different pay off and it doesn't cost me anything ..... anymore.

For the longest time I was forever trying to please people, to do the right thing, to say the right thing, even if I was so super tired from not sleeping the night before, I would be the good friend, the good helper, but I was so empty. I was running on empty all the time, I never knew how to say to myself, stop and recover and only take on what you can because you are just as important.

In my first round, I powered through, my weeks, I had too.  I actually was in survival mode but when the round was coming to a grinding end, I just wanted to push myself that little bit extra to hit 25kgs, oh the pressure I put on myself.

When I saw that loss on the last Wednesday, I could have just dropped on the floor like they did in, " The time warp", from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I made it.  Had I done enough for Top 20?  I certainly surpassed any expectations I might have had, I actually just wanted to loose 5-10 kilos, but I just felt empty again.

I didn't celebrate me at all, I actually just cried. I've never had such mixed emotions, I was so enormously proud of my commitment to myself and my strength, yet I missed Jenny.
 
Because I went so hard, for such a long time, I thought I would give myself a couple of days off between rounds and "live/ relax". I did no exercise (for 4 days) and had one meal out.

That was OMG, to me, I was living on the edge, I dare not have a soft drink though, that's just too far out of the comfort zone I had now created.

So it's no surprise now when I look back at my first round that I did not start well. It's not that I did anything wrong, I just didn't do everything right.

So when this round was coming to an end, I put NO weight requirement on myself, I set my other non-weight goals, and ticked all of them off, and when I got my 15% email & finished off my blog, I thought. I'M DONE. I'm looking after me in a whole different way.

For a week and a bit, I caught up with girlfriends, I went out for meals, I was on a weeks holiday from work, to settle my preppie into his first year of school and I am just removing myself from 12wbt. It was planned but I just needed to back off.

I certainly didn't go out and eat pizza and soft drink and ice-cream ...... everyday :)

My biggest splurge was a bowl of mixed sorbets & I ate chocolate before I went to bed.

Let me tell you before I ate those chocolate bars before bed, I felt like I was punishing myself. Like nan forcing me to eat brussel sprouts, when I knew it was the last thing on earth I wanted to do, but I knew why I was doing it. I did NO exercise ( for 7 days)  and I felt sooooooo awful, it was planned, I completely knew that's what I wanted to feel. Controlled awfulness.

This was the way I choose to lead my life for so many years, I never knew what a calorie was, little more than burn a calorie?  I ate before bed and never had a good nights sleep. That's where I wanted to push myself, I want to push myself back to feeling revolting.

I went shopping and I could not concentrate on anything, I was sluggish, I couldn't hold a conversation, absolutely had no concentration. All I wanted to do was go to bed and stay there. My body was just rebelling. I needed to feel this way, I needed to remember all the emotional feelings I had with not respecting myself. I even wore my big clothes, and my old undies. Terrible, I felt terrible.

It was a hard week when blood tests from my son had come back that he needed further testing to see if he was diabetic, so in & out of hospital I would go too.  

As well as planning this, I planned my FULL medical check-up. Perfect timing to remember because it's in between rounds. The nurse and doctor were amazed at my progress and they also made up treatment plan for my 12 weeks.

I asked for my birth control ( IUD)  change over, for my bloods to be taken and to have my breasts checked. Just like that car, I am in empty and I was pulling in for a full service.

The doctor cleared my right breast,  that was painful  one that I was worried about but she found a lump in my left breast, which is completely amazing because I can't feel it. Looks like in this week, I am to have 2 hospital visits, 2 ultrasounds and a mammogram.  All of these were add ons, to a week that was suppose to be unplanned.

What I was most looking forward to was the Dexa Scan , which I had booked in November, for the end of the round ( February).

Michelle Bridges had recommended getting one and I thought, I would love that, as its a totally new measurement, other than kilos and cm's and something to base this new round on. Come and hit it from a different angle and a whole new measurement for me, to combine with the full medical from the doctor too.

It took about 5 minutes for the scan to move over my body. I just lay there still, as he explained what the scan was introduced for, it began as a bone density measuring tool for mainly to  detect osteoporosis in the bones, but is used a lot in the fitness industry now, especially body builders and athletes.

When I hoped off he then explained area's of information that the scan revealed. It was totally mind blowing. I was only wishing that I had seen him in August. He was just amazed at my weight loss, but when he went through my body make-up, it become really clear why my body had reacted the way it had, to the program.

The beauty is that the scan weighs every part of your body, what your fat mass is, what are the leaner parts of your body and where your muscles lay.

It tells me to the exact kilos and target weight I should be aiming for and based on all my own personal body make up, how many calories I should use in a day to burn fat from my body and my exact calorie intake, to maintain that weight. Which was exactly what I was after. How do I make it,  that this is ME for the rest of my life?  With this type of scientific information I know exactly what makes me tick. I will under go this process another 2 times to compare changes in my make-up.

So for now, it's still about stripping off the fat layers which is all the yellow/ orange layers, then to turn what's remaining into shades of pink and purple. So for the moment it is about still calories in and calories out. The rest is my longer term goals but this gives me higher goals to aim for and just a brand new measurements.

                                      What a leaner, fat reduced body looks like



So yes I have had an enormous 2 weeks of internal and external testings. Taj was cleared of juvenile diabetes, my birth control is in, awaiting results from the breast scans, and surprisingly my blood pressure is spot on.

I can't help but wonder, how much 12wbt has played in all this?   If it wasn't between rounds, would I have insisted on having all of these tests & measurements done?

Would she have felt my lump if I had all that extra layer of fat there?

Would I still have my IUD in,  it really should have been taken out 5 year ago, but I was "too busy".

Why did I leave all these things? I suspect because I was telling myself that my happiness was making other people happy but re-doing everything wrong for that week and a bit, only proved to me how bloody important I am, and my OWN happiness should be just as important  !!!!! Bigger picture, my own HEALTH IS PARAMOUNT !!!!!

I am thinking through my passed 2 weeks I am still tired, I've had a range thoughts but I just don't entertain any negatives and what if's?  Until we know what we are dealing with. 

What's the point?   Just sit back and relax & don't look back on life and only see tragic.  ( Better Than) .   I now prefer to set those goals for life and I will achieve them !!!!!





"Better Than"

All you want is
What you can't have
And if you just look around man
You see you got magic
So just sit back relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life man and only see tragic

Because you could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better

All the time while you're looking away
There are things you can do man
There's things you can say
To the the ones you're with
With whom you're spending your today
Get your gaze off tomorrow
And let come what may

Because you could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better

All I know is sometimes things can be hard
But you should know by now
They come and they go
So why, oh why
Do I look to the other side
'Cause I know the grass is greener but
Just as hard to mow

Life's not about what's better than.

All you want is
What you can't have
And if you just look around man
You see you got magic
So just sit back relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life man and only see tragic

Because
You could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than