I'm Still Standing- Elton John

I've always been a very singular, solo person.

I am not sure whether that's always been a conscious choice, or a self preservation, I am just Anthea.

I played squash, solo sport.  I enjoyed fishing, solo activity, I liked 10 pin bowling, solo effort. I liked to go down the beach & walk, solo. So it doesn't come as a real surprise that I am very comfort being alone.

Nothing too special about me, I just am ......I'm Anthea.  Funnily enough, wherever I go, people know me and just like me, it's a nice place I sit in my world.

I've always just liked to fly under the radar, the most satisfying moments for me are doing those things to show people they are loved, and cared for. They are the moments I live for.

I love to give, I love to make people feel their self worth, to look them in their eyes and tell them, you are beautiful, you are special, and you have something to offer, and that all basically comes back to two things,

• 1) Treat people the way you want to be treated
• 2) Perhaps I got the raw deal when it came to emotional love and support from my parents.

I realised that at a very early age.  Somehow that the love has to come within, sure sometimes we are all dealt terrible hands, some of our own doings, but others .... again out of our control.

I was always the teacher pet, well I liked to be liked, who doesn't?

I never got the most outstanding award for being intellectual, I was the one who got the encouragement award, in Year 11.  I got 9 awards for endeavour, that year. I was so proud of myself, I had no idea what it meant, but I was awarded in front of the school , my teachers were happy, therefore I was happy.

My father is very intelligent, so I thought he would be proud, and when I showed him my award he said," Oh Anthea , that just means you are good at sucking up to the teachers."  Hmmmmm funny how I can seem to forget sooooo many things in my life, but every moment I felt I had disappointed my parents, that I can remember clearly.

He did the only thing he knew, how to "rewarded" me by , buy me "Elton Johns, Greatest Hits" Odd for a 16 year old girl, dad always questioned my music, Queen and Elton John?

Until this year, and I am now 39, my father has just now said, how proud he was of me, in handling my sister's problems because I was supporting him and being strong, he's a strange fella but by god I love him, don't understand him but I love him.

I'm not really ready to talk about Simone in depth, other than we deal with the prospect of her and suicide on a daily basis, and it's hard watching her and hard for us because we just don't have the answers, and it's a torture no one should go through.

After her last attempt, where she was dead but the paramedics bought her back, I drove home and Coldplays, " Fix you" came on, and I realised I really couldn't, this time, and perhaps it was time to fix myself.

I felt like I had failed her, that how could she just not understand the love I have for her? I've been looking after her since she was 14, mothering her since she was 14, ( she is 2 years younger than me) so the pain was very real, and I don't have the answers . Other than, once again, Usher Numb : and the title of these blogs .......... You never know until you let go.

I never got my Year 12 , it was too hard, my family life was out of control, for a 17 year old, to look after your sister & father as your mother is self destructing is bloody hard !!!!  Education, to me was putting on a school uniform everyday and getting your name ticked off.

So I took a couple of years off. To over compensate for not being emotionally connected to us, dad would leave $$$$$ for me every week I got $200 to do the shopping and $150- for my own use, as well as working part time at the supermarket.

So I worked as a  check out chick in Ocean Grove, a beautiful part of the world with beautiful beaches. I was spoilt, I was money spoilt, we weren't rich, but I certainly didn't go without with grandparents giving us everything ( and lived across the road, we were the only grandchild, to an only son)  and dad who did exactly what his parents did for him, we were always looked after.

I knew how lucky I was but was never really affected by it. Money & all the complications I had with it.  I would give that all up, if I had a stable mother and father, who loved, communicated and were just there to provide love, support and a hug ...... now that ..... I would take everyday, money can't buy any of those things  !!!!

Is it no wonder, that  now, I do not live a "rich $$$" life, my husband works 2 jobs to allow me to work part time, and I can be mum. The boys have no idea we live in a 13 square house, that we only buy things when we need them, we have a 1/4 acre block with a tramp, veggie patches and chickens, but by god, those babies know that they are treasured, they are loved and very much needed in our lives, because that's EVERYTHING I wished I had heard  & felt growing up and therefore my babies do live the childhood I wished I had, had !!!! 

See that's once again, knowing what I've gone through, I will be damned if I don't learn from every scar I wear, there always has to be a better way for me !!!! Everything has a worth !!!!  

So dad leaving money for us, was very handy, that was my nightclub entry, my smokes and petrol, for an 18 year old, I'm living by the beach, getting everything provided, geez I'm living as a grown up driving my own car, nightclub entry, being able to legally drink , without really having any grown up  responsiblities ............ WOW !!!!!!

It wasn't until I looked around and I could see girls/ladies on registers that had been stuck doing the same jobs for years. I wondered, are they happy? That's all they ever knew, and I thought, hang on what do I really want to do, will that be me in another 5 years, 10 years because I have no options?

What are you working towards? What are your goals? What have I ever done? Who am I going to be?

So I went home and I applied to go back to school at 20 , I was going back to get my Year 12. It never occurred to me that I would fail, I just knew I didn't want this to be my only option.

So I got accepted into a Year 12 equivalent at Monash Uni. I LOVED learning. I was now living away from my family, and it was all about me.

I had to pass all my subjects by 80% ALL subjects, Maths, English, Law, History and  .........  Biology. BIOLOGY hmmmm  not so good. It just went over my head, so I got a tutor. As soon as I got my tutor, it just seemed to click, and I just knew it. It wasn't hard, I just kept telling myself it was hard and I couldn't do it.  Once I understood it, I really understood it.

Just like before 12WBT, to loose weight, I was just telling myself it was all too hard, and I couldn't do it . I was exercising and doing weight watchers, but I never KNEW the basic calculation, calories in + calories burned = weight loss. It's that easy, so why did I complicate it?   OH AND NOW I UNDERSTAND IT'S NOT THAT HARD AFTER ALL !!!!!

It was only today, December 8th, 2012, I sat with dad at Little Aths and I was discussing my exercising with dad, it seems to be the only conversations I have now because I just love who I am becoming.  When I said, " Insane that , I've become so into exercising, and I've lost 27 kilos". His reply .... "What's insane is that you ever got that big in the first place".

I didn't respond, there's no need to , he will never change, at the end of the day I know he loves me and I am doing it for me and for nobody else because I have those tools, and I have the mindset !!!!

So as I write this blog, I realise, if I can get through a crap family situation, realise by MYSELF that I needed to be educated and not give up to achieve my Year 12,  I could really stand on my own feet, without being given money all the time.

Me, myself & I, that's who I needed   ...... I  so can do 12 WBT ....... 12 WBT isn't over in 12 weeks, this is just who I am for the rest of my life.

I'M STILL STANDING

Songwriters: BENOIT, DAVID BRYAN / EAST, MARCEL THOMAS

 

Music by elton john
Lyrics by bernie taupin
Available on the album too low for zero

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
Youll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, Im coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while Im still standing you just fade away

Don't you know Im still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
Im still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

Im still standing yeah yeah yeah
Im still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now