The End Of The Line- Traveling Wilbury's

It's suppose to be the day I start cooking my Christmas Puddings the 1st Of December,  but I've also decided to go through my cupboards too, that's my day, planned, instead I feel I need to sit down and begin this blog  !!!

We have been doing some renovating in our house, naturally it all comes down to $$$$ we had carpets put in, in July and never put the wardrobe doors back on, planning to get sliding doors on .... eventually, so everytime I look into the wardrobe, it's fairly organised usually but with all the exercising and ramping up to Christmas I haven't really made it a priority, on the "to do" list until I caught up with Chris this week.

Chris was Taj's specialist teacher, she had 10 children that she took , one on one classes absolute gem of a lady !!!!  We actually met before Taj had begun school, when I began weight watchers, so the umptenth time, Chris had hit goal weight and just attended the meetings to support her daughters and sisters that were doing the program. This year, she has stepped out of the school system and helped care for her sick mother, and with a new born grandchild, it was a perfect transition for her.

I would text Chris just to check in on her, an occasional playdate at the park and a good gossip, she had not seen me since July so the change was enormous, 26 kilos gone. When I arrived at the cafe she just bounced out of her seat, " Are you serious? What's going on"?

I was super excited that I had kept a secrect suprise. When it was time to wind up, she said, you really need to follow me home in the car, I just live up that street there, so I followed her. When we got to her house, she pulled out a bag on clothes. BEAUTIFUL clothes !!!!!  I've only ever shopped at K-Mart, Target and Autographs, limited on the size selection.

She said," I've been hanging onto these, not want to part with them, because they cost me a fortune, they are all designer clothes, so I am so thrilled, if you want them, you can take them". WHAT ????? I was floored, I have always done things for everyone else, but for someone to do something for me? Just made me feel amazing. Hence why I need to sort through these clothes !!!

I've cleared everything onto the bed and the sit there like a never ending mountain of clothes, this was suppose to be an easy process, anything over a size 20, is going, into bags and donated.

Never could I have prepared myself to the emotions I am feeling, I feel so sad.
For the person who would open the wardrobe and just stare at the clothes , thinking if somehow I could be genie from I dream of genie and blink and I could choose any clothes I want and they fitted me and I was comfortable.

I would agonise what do I wear? What do I look o-kay in?  It was never what do I look good in?   Rather than what size am I ? And do the buttons do up?

There had been times where it was all too much, and I just told my husband to go without me, because it was all too hard, and  I would go and sit on the couch and eat some chocolate. All those times I left him down, and I let my children down because it was all too hard.

As I have a look at them , I am crying, Michael just doesn't understand, "Anth it's a great thing, you don't need these clothes anymore, so why are you so upset".

I'm upset for the person I was, so many clothes that I just throw on un ironed becaused I didn't care what I looked liked, the only color I really wore was black, and clothes that had big holes in them and bleach stains, I just didn't care. That's what I believed I was worth, I was worth nothing, not even the clothes on my back because I just didn't care.

 Clothes that saw me through 2 pregnancy , a lot of them are at least 9 years old, and I've just never bought new clothes, unless we had a function to go too.

I just had no idea that this was going to be sooooo hard, it's like once again I am having a good hard look at myself, and what I thought my worth was, and how I carried myself. If I didn't care about myself why would anybody else?

I am looking at some clothes, thinking why did I ever waste my money on these clothes? Yep because that's the only thing that fitted me, really quite confronting.

Then I have another thought that is racing through my head, but what if you need them?   But everything telling me, I am so far over the mountain that there is a NO POINT OF RETURN. I am running away fast from that size 24 !!!

I really am saying good bye to Anthea before 12WBT, she carried so much around with her, in every sense, and I wore that too for everybody to see, I can't even remember being happy in some of the clothes.

I am replacing them with beautiful thoughts, beautiful energy and a smile that just speaks volumes, that I am here, I am important and I know I am walking a little prouder because I am finally putting together everything with a whole lot more color than black I would only wear.

I don't need to wish to be a Genie anymore, because I am making the magic happen for myself by remaining focussed , determined and passionate.

 This is for a bigger purpose, it's all for me and that my friends is bigger than any piece of clothing !

IT WAS THE END OF THE LINE FOR MY CLOTHES.