Respect Yourself - Kane Gang

I've been looking through the 12WBT forums, and somebody posted a really odd question.

What's the shallowest reason for loosing weight?

Which made me think about a mothers group I was apart of and the way they made me feel.

When I was a manager with Woolworths, I knew exactly who I was, what my capabilities were and what my reputation was.

I was a proud, driven and motivated worker,  who really set the standard very high. I lead by example, if I wanted my workers to work hard and know what was expected of them, I did the shift with them. I kept doing those extras because if they saw I cared, then they would care about my department.

I had once started my shift at 1 am in the morning and walk out at 11.30pm - YES COMMITTED & CRAZY !!!! But it was important to me.

I had simple expectations, work hard, strive to be happy, be honest and keep the work environment positive, if things were going on in your world, I was happy to sit and listen over a cuppa, but lets keep it to no gossipping and a respectful workplace where we can just work together and be happy.

So when my bundle of joy came along I felt really quite loss, I knew it was everything I ever dreamt about but I didn't ever think I would feel completely lost at the same time.

As a manager I was told how good I was, in my sales, and my gross profit, everything was measurable, and I took home a good pay packet that told me I was working really hard.

With a baby? Oh my. There was no instructions, I had to muddle my way through it, with everyone else seemingly had an opinion, what you should or shouldn't be doing. A  dummy?  To breastfeed?  Aren't you going to try formula? Are they sleeping through the night yet?  Perhaps they need to start solids earlier than 6 months, can we visit?  MY HEAD IS SPINNING.

While I'm trying to work out a new baby, I felt this pressure that I had to BECOME THE "PERFECT" HOUSEWIVE TOO. Some days, just getting my foot into the shower was hard enough, brushing my teeth? Wasn't that what you did when you finally ate breakfast at about 10am?  Gone was that manager, she disappeared the moment I walked out on maternity leave.

 I had a very, very, easy labour, I literally nearly had him on the toilet, and I just asked can I have a suppository for my "Big Poo', and  go home? They had enough time to throw the birthing mat over my head and wham he was here. I was in the birthing suite for 11 minutes.  I felt so ripped off, I had been reading, What to expect when expecting, I had a god damn birth plan, I had lollies, and a dvd. I'm a planner, I plan everything, and this was not my plan

I went through my pregnancy with another girlfriend Marnie, who was also pregnant, and met another girl Michelle during the birthing classes, and I shared a room with Clare.

Clare and I shared our first baby's birth-day and during the night, I could hear her getting frustrated, so I offered her the only things I had, my tim tams and my What to expect when expecting book, I would sit on her bed and try and coach her, I had never met this girl before but I just needed her to be o-kay. Still, caring for everyone else, how can I make this easier for her?

When we got home a few weeks go by, and I receive a letter in the mail from the maternal health nurse about our first mothers group meeting, so why not?

So as I turn up, I see Marnie, Michelle and Clare, as well as another 11 new mothers, it was a massive group, we then would meet every week at someones house, I never had it at my home, my house was just far too small.

Me, being me spread myself around and spent time with everyone but there definitely was a break away group of 6, I happened to get lumped into the 6 because of my friendship with Clare. I felt awkward having separate meetings away from the other girls as I hate division and I was still friendly with Marnie and Michelle.

I got along o-kay with most of that 5 but 1. She had a very distinct negative vibe to her, right from the start I knew she actually was not somebody I would ever choose to know. I'll call her Ms B.

She would never make eye contact me and if I ever engaged in conversations with me she walked off on me, I just have never encounted someone soooooo rude, but I persisted. Then as we were talking I mentioned that my father is English but my mother is Aboriginal, and she looked straight into my eyes, and said quietly with a smirk,"  Does this mean you're going to try and keep Taj out of prison?"  I could not believe what I heard, I was gobsmack, I've never experienced anything like it, because I have Aboriginal blood, I am a criminal  ????????????

I walked out, I had a head ache, never have I ever not been liked but how can all these women think someone like that is a good human being?

I mentioned it to Clare, but Clare went on the assumption because she was nice to her, she must have meant something else. At some functions we had,  I took my husband.  I asked, "please watch all her body language and what she saids and see if I am making it up?"   He came back and said, "WOW Anth, it's obvious if you want to see it, she's a real piece of work", don't associate with them, they are not kind people.

But I still persisted, I was still invited to the break away lunches, the "group of 6", every house I walked into, they were beautiful and the had the best of the best, they cared about the labels, they took pride on everything they appeared to be. I had no idea why I was ever in this group but because of Clare I kept going.

We celebrated all our kids birthdays in March - April. This particular day which was in OCTOBER, we were at Ms B's house and between lunch she throws down a packet of photos , here just incase you were interested, as I flicked through it, I became aware that I was looking at her daughters birthday party photo's from April, 6 months earlier, everyone around that table had been invited but me. I was good enough to sit at this table but not good enough for this party?  And nobody else was honest enough to tell me, she had announced to everyone, it's okay to treat Anthea like crap, because hey, I have and I get away with it. I was gutted, I was trying ……... but I was gutted.

I went through another year of just feeling awful, they made me feel awful too, but I stuck by them, god knows why.

We were at a Christmas get together at Ms T's place, OVER THE TOP CHRISTMAS party, huge house, huge everything, and of course I've just started weight watchers for the umptenth time, and the smorgos board of desserts were there, I turned to Ms B and said, " God , it's like an episode of the Biggest Loser, when they have an immunity challenge, look at all that amazing food", Her reply, " Why would I watch a show about fat people? They need to stay behind closed doors and leave their clothes on, I don't need to see fat people in their underwear" ...... Pretty sure that was the moment I said, I can't do this anymore.

So the new year came in and I slightly distanced myself, and I became pregnant.

2 weeks before I go into premature, labour my mother announces, she wants nothing to do with me, or my children, as far as she is concerned she has 2 daughters ( I am not one of those) , I am dead to her and to remain out of her life. I can't argue with this anymore, I have a baby in my tummy, and I just can't do HER alcohol abuse anymore !!!!! When you've been doing that your whole life, enough is enough !!!!!

I had the new baby, in June and NOT ONE of those girls offered any support besides Clare.  I had a 6 week premature baby and the only people I had were Clare, Lisa, Marnie, Michelle, and Tara.

So back into the group I go I am in STRUGGLE TOWN, I have PND ( This I don't recognise until everything is o-kay with Zayd ........ 18 months after he is born) .

We went out to a hotel for lunch and I remember 2 distinct conversations, I start the conversation, " Has anyone heard of Facebook? I've joined and I love it?"  
Ms B's response ....... "What book?  NA don't really care about it anyway".

And the other whilst Zayd is non stop crying, (little did we know his appendix was trapped inside his hernia which he goes into surgery to have it repaired) . When once again Ms B, turns and whispers to me, What is wrong with your child? Why can't you shut him up?".

Now I am a very understanding person and I really dispise seeing people treated so unkindly but why did I take it from her everytime?

After Zayd has his surgery, I well and truly back away, I need to look after myself, and when you have PND, you don't want to get out of the house anyway.

It's not until that next Christmas and the sun is shining, I watch Michael jumping up and down on the new trampoline with the boys are giggling, and like in the movies, I see the images in front of my eyes everything is so bright, but why, oh why, do I feel so cold? Why am I not in that picture, why am I not smiling and with that I feel the tears streaming down my face. I am hardly breathing, the tears are flowing down my cheeks and I am so sad.

I get on the internet and I look up depression, then onto  Beyond Blue, and I do a survey, on a scale of 1-20, 20 being the worst, I am an 18.

What I was a manager, I've already been a mum, but how can I have depression? I've always been o-kay ........... but I'm not o-kay.

I call PANDA- PANDA Post Ante Natal Depression Association
www.panda.org.au     I talk and I talk and I talk, about everything I have going inside my head, the lady on the other end, understands me, I am so unhappy, it's everything, it's not the baby, it's just everything, it's mostly family history, but it's EVERYTHING.

She calls back a couple of days later, I book into the doctor, I see the maternal health nurse and I have every type of literature you can get.

I get a counsellor who comes into my house to talk me through things, and she is AMAZING, she was here for me. This was arranged through the maternal health nurse and the local council, a service I would reccommend to anyone who feels the same.

That councilor said to me, " I want you to think you have a barrel of apples and all the fresh apples are on the top, and everyone you met and everyone you have contact with, you give them the most beautiful , juiciest,  freshest apples, at the end of the day, you bring that barrow home, you've pushed that barrow all day, you are tired, you are exhausted and you think you might have an apple, when you reach in for you "reserves", what is left? bruised unedible apples, so you are left with nothing ...... I want you now to take that first apple for yourself, to make you stronger before you offer it to anybody else because, you can't walk around with an empty barrow anymore, you need to make yourself strong first, to push that barrow"........... GOD LIKE MY MARBLES.......... THIS MAKES SENSE TO ME !!!!

While I sit watching Taj in his swimming lesson, I am chatting with my regular mummy who has a daughter in Taj's swimming lesson too, and I am telling her about this mothers group, she the stops and said," OMG, I know who you are talking about, she is a BITCH !!!!! We were best friends all the way through high school and had a huge falling out, Oh NO THIS HAS NOTHING to do with you, she's just a nasty piece of work, always has been".

I felt all of a sudden justified.  I was right all along, but for the "harmony" of the group I kept it to myself. By this time the other girls had nothing to do with me, but that was fine.

Although I do not see this group a lot, guess what? They all discover Facebook because Ms B, has her own account, and I am an acceptable "Facebook friend" ..... not in the real world but Facebook we can all appear to be friends.

Then I see a status update on Ms B ..... I have a lump in my boobie.
Then nothing for a couple of days, in shock the next status is, I have breast cancer.

I am shocked, I don't wish that apon anybody but I thought, she'll be right she has her network around her. I think over and over in my head, how can I make this all o-kay? AGAIN NEVER THINKING ABOUT MYSELF !!!!! 

Watching her go through this I think , this is terrible, her young kids, she's going to loose her hair, this is awful, so I do as Anthea does, how can I make a little ray of sunshine? How can I do something without her knowing it's me , yet make myself feel good?

So the day before she heads off for her first Chemo , which I know is a massive day, I finish work at midnight and I leave the most amazing arrangment of flowers at her doors step, I do this arrangement all by myself. I figured if she sees them, first thing as she goes to hospital,  she will think and wonder who has done this for me, she may never know it's me, and that's o-kay because I've made someone else feel really good, and that makes me feel really good.

Deep down in my heart I knew what tpe of a person she was but I was not lowing my standards for her because I want to believe everyone is good.

I never tell her, I didn't tell anyone, they then arrange Relay For Life for her, and I have not seen them for a long time, I have communicated best wishes, but no one has seen me, and she knows too that she has been unkind to me.

So at 4am in the morning I bake mini quiches, they are hot and steaming and gorgeous and I drive down to deliver them, in the darkness again, I arrive with this gift for them.

She wakes up from the tent , and I hear her say to her husband," No way, Anthea is here? How? What?"  Then she breaks down and crys as she hugs me.

As the sun comes up we walk laps of the oval, we are very honest with each other.
It's during this walk I start talking about my uncle.

That previous December we burried my Uncle, my mother's brother, and I attended that funeral, it was devestating and one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Face my mother, who didn't particularly like me, and the rest of the family who consider me an out cast ...... which is quite fine because I sit very comfortable where I am. I've just paved another road for me to go down but this wasn't about them, this was about Roderick.

All those years I carried the pain of my mother. At his funeral , I was sickened at the way my uncle was being painted. I was furious, he was more than a party animal, who provided them alcohol, he was a beautiful homosexual, who over came being black, as black can be, bashed so many times because he was gay, he was deaf but he was just soooooo beautiful. I literally saved his life too and saw him through AA, and he lived his last 7 years magnificently, he was sober, he loved his life, and he loved his job, he bounced where ever he went and he was every colour under the rainbow.

So I did something I never thought possible, I made my way to the front of the grave and I addressed that whole family. As spoke from a place I never knew I had, I needed people to know he was more than "a good time", he was a fighter and a survivor, and he had this soul that only comes once in a lifetime. He was the one who encouraged me to apply for Monash Uni, where I met Michael and everyday, I will now look into my babies eyes and see that if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have my babies and I wouldn't have my beautiful supportive husband, and I wouldn't be educated.

I walked away from that microphone, took a few steps back, and people lined up to thank me and to hug me, to say thank-you for honoring him in the way they knew him.

Once everyone left me , I grab Michael's hand and I walked away, I walked away from that whole family, I supported my mother by being there, I kissed my uncle goodbye, and I walked across all those graves into the car, when I slammed the car door, I looked at Michael and I said, " WOW, I had no idea, I had all that inside of me Michael, I'm so sorry, I've been so lost, but I think, I'm back, that manager I was before babies, she's back"

On my way home I realised something LIFE CHANGING........... ACCEPTANCE.

• I accept that my uncle has gone.

•  I accept that I can not change my mother and her ways nor do I want to be apart of her life, and IT"S QUITE O-KAY  because I want to live an uncomplicated life and with her in my life I am miserable.

• The acceptance of the positive and the negative, somethings I can't change, I can't change the attitudes of others, that's not up to ME to prove to anyone that they have a different belief system than me.

• I accept that I am a really good person and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

• I accept not everbody is not going to like me or be like me

• I was trying to make everyone understand my sadness about my mother, and my history, they actually just plainly didn't care. The more I talked about it, the more I lived the negative aspects of my life & I lived it over and over & over again and I felt really trapped.

THE GREATEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE YOURSELF IS ACCEPTANCE WITHOUT EMOTIONS BECAUSE SOMETIMES IT IS WHAT IT IS.


So as I was walking around that oval under the moon with Ms B, I thought, you have no idea, how brilliant I am, I left roses for you, I am the better person, I wish you good health but I just need to let you and every unkind thing you've done to me go, you have your own battle  ......  I've got to let it ALL go. I have no idea what path you have ahead of you but I do wish you well.  (She did over come her cancer and is now classed as a survivor.)

I still remained "Facebook friends", with that group of girls, until I began my first 12WBT round, then I stopped and had a really good look at the place I was creating.

I have this INCREDIBLE network of people, I have my real friends supporting me, I have my husband & boys supporting me, I have my BFF (beautiful fitness friends)  I have Facebook friends supporting me, I have my 12WBT- Dirty Thirty group.

Without even realizing it I have designed my life and my network around people I choose to be around, I have created my own cocoon of positive, inspriring people who only want amazing things for me.

And with that I highlighted everyone of those girls names on Facebook and I hid all my activity from them, they have no idea about my weight loss, nor do I care.

They certainly don't belong in my world, anymore  !!!!

They are the shallow people who were in my world, they never got to understand me,  there's more to me than meets the eye but if they ever stopped to get to know me they would have always known that.

I am a beautiful, caring, loving, kind person. Just stuck in an overweight body.

I CAN change my shape, but they can never change the ugliness inside of them ......... I actually want to thank them because they made me stronger and I realised,  I stuck with who I truly believed in & what I thought was important, kindness and
                     understanding......... but more importantly myself .

SO SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE BEAUTIFUL, LIKE MINDED PEOPLE & LOVE YOURSELF.......... LOVE YOUR  LIVE    !!!!!!!



                                             AND RESPECT YOURSELF