Eurythmics- When Tomorrow Comes

I remember walking along the beach in Surfers Paradise that week Jenny had died, and I was so much in the zone, I couldn't imagine wanting to stray outside of this very regimented and "protective" cocoon I was in, once again self preserving myself. If I ate EXACTLY what I had planned, and hit those numbers, then those scales were going down. It was sooooo easy, and I was totally channelled into my own safe place.

Queensland was where I needed to be, I was away, I was busy, I was focused, I had my moments alone ( which is honestly the safest place for me) and I had my boys & I was going to see one of my longest and beautiful girlfriends in Haley.

Haley and Tara , those 2 girls have always been there for me, no matter what has happened in my world, and I've had both these girls since kindergarten. They have always just loved me unconditionally  ....... even understood my mother & my need to be a mother !!!!!

My mother, really stopped being a "mother" when I was about 14 but physically didn't leave my father and our family until I was 17.

My mother had something on every night, Monday tennis, Tuesday bingo, Wednesday squash, Thursday- "drinks with the girls" & kareoke, Friday-Squash, Saturday-Tennis, Sunday- squash again. 

It helped the I was a very talented squash player, I won many junior tornaments and travelled the states, I also was undefeated for 2 years in the junior squash league. I actually never understood how good I was. I had a feeling I was pretty good, when I was on the court, I had a packed house and people loved watching my natural talent but I just never got overalled by it, I just loved doing it, I just happened to be good at it too.

( Gosh this blogging, really amazes me because I am self reflecting and things just make sense now !!!!! Right in this moment I am working things out that not even therapists could understand)

Mum and I played in the same team together ( from the age of 14-18) . We would be a team of 4 individual players number 1-4, because I was a junior,  I was ranked at about 3/4, my mother .... she was number 1.

We would play our matches and win as a team. Afterwards we would sit down and have a feast, I mean a feast !!!! We would have nachoes, sandwiches, pizza, soft drink, dips, chips, quiches, anything hot was amazing ..... but looking back at this behaviour, I was already being encouraged to play sport, then eat food LATE at night, and I mean midnight, this was during the week, and this was repeated on Friday nights too. Oh and alcohol, I must not forget the alcohol, for the adults not me  !!!!!!

It was rather convinent for mum to have a 17 year old daughter, because I was able to "drive" being on my L Plates, so what did it matter that my mum would sleep, passed out from the grog in the car,when I drove , wasn't that just an extension of playing with the adults?

So we would back that up again on Friday nights too, Friday a little different because that was mixed competition in Ocean Grove, all locals and yes I was very popular with the crowd, I was a bit of an eye opener because of my talent, and it's only now I write this that it's dawned on me, my mother was jealous of me, always has been. This attention towards me and not her? Not that I even cared, I just sat in the corner, after the game had finished, just like Missy Higgins- Everyone's waiting, I've got a role to play, shine but not too much but worlds away is a mother to daughter relationship. ( I've been doing this for so long I could tie the knots behind my back)

While sitting in the corner I would watch my mum "tranform" into this party girl, it wasn't a Friday night if my mother wasn't dancing on a table top or giving her version of a lap dance, to some male.

Why would I ever want to be attractive? Why would I ever want that type of attention? When I was 7, I was molested so my "need" to be attractive or even noticed to the other sex? No thank you. Just repulsed me I'll leave that all up to my mother, she seemed to do all that on her own, quite well.

At the end of the night I would sit in the car watching my mother being chatted up by another male, who desperatley wanted to have an affair with her. I knew what conversation was going on, I would flash my lights, to get her into the car  ......you  drunk thing, I would think to myself. I need to get you home to dad. My poor bloody father, how the hell did he love her?

So it would come as no suprise that then when Easter rolled around and I was 17, I had, had enough !!!!! I wanted a shot at being a "normal" family. We lived very seperately, I would be going to squash with mum, or Simone and I would be going to The Vineyard with dad.

Dad was a wine maker and would crush the grapes and mix the wine, that was his "hobby". We would spend hours there playing but never anything as a family.

When we got home mum was either out the door, or dad would be stuck in the corner plugging away on the computer, I can't remember any positive communication between them and whenever there was a fight, mum would take off with Simone, never me, always Simone. I had to remain with dad.

Yes, yes,  Easter. Dad had bought this pretty funky little red suzuki, we would pack the dog up in it and we would take it down to the Otways, go off road and just thrash the hell out of it, I'm sure he just loved hearing us girls sqweal in the back,

Mum had walked in the door and I jumped up with this master plan, now remember I'm 17, and I announce, lets get out and take the car out and be a family. My mother's reply, " No , Anthea you don't understand I dont want to be apart of this family, you need to go .... without me".

I shrugged my shoulders, and looked at dad ?????

He said, "lets go girls", so dad took us into the bush and we still managed a good time. We stopped into an ice-cream shop, and went into a park in Torquay and we sat in the middle of a merry- go -round, just dad, Simone and I. Dad said to me, "Thank-you Anthea, I think we can do this".

When we arrived home, mum had packed all her bags , she really didn't have to explain anything , it was obvious, but she did," I'm leaving your father".

I replied, " Well I think that's a good idea, you need time away from this house because at the moment your not a wife, your not a mother, and we aren't a family, I think you need to work out who Helen is first ...... come back ...... come back in a week, a couple of weeks, ..... a month, but you can't be making us all live like this".

I looked at dad, again shrugged his shoulders and walked off.

So out the door she walked, and I had a sigh of relief because I didn't have to cover up for her actions anymore !!!!!   Dad to this day, never knows what I saw.

I become the person who functioned the house, I made all the meals, and did the washing, the shopping ( the menu planning) and I became the main carer of DAD & SIMONE.

So in a small community as Ocean Grove was, everybody had an opinion on why my mother left, and I endured a lot !!!! So hard it was because I thought she was always coming back, my dad told her everytime she entered the house that he loved her and he needed her back, but she was free.

The moment she left , I was trying to figure out, how can she come back, how I could show her that I loved her, I could forget everything I had seen because my father loved her and that was his want !!!! How can I make everyone happy?

I was working at Tuckerbag the local supermarket, in the deli, making $5 something an hour & going to school in Geelong a 45 minute bus ride.

Haley and I both went to the same kindergarten, same primary school, played tennis together, and we were the only 2 girls from our primary school to be accepted into a Girls School in Geelong, therefore our seat was always saved on the bus next to each other.

Haley taught me so much, she taught me how to be strong, when I watched her grieve for a boyfriend who died in a car accident and her 3 week old neice was killed when her sister made a terrible mistake, I was able to hug her and to protect her.

Haley and I also worked at Tuckerbag too, so when our pay went in on a Wednesday we would shop in the supermarket and get a bavarinan dessert and a stick of kabana to eat on the bus home. '

One thing I really admired about Haley was her maturity, she was saving up for her "glory box" for when she moved out of home, she introduced me to laybying.

So I went into Katie's with Haley and I asked her to teach me how to layby. So I searched the store for a beautiful knitted jumper, I can still see it. I thought it was beautiful !!!!

I went in and payed that jumped off weekly, until Mother's Day.

Then I wrapped it up and got dad to drive me to the unit mum was living. I figured, if she could see how much I spent on this jumper she would want to come back and be my mother again.

Dad waited in the car, he knew this was important to me. I clearly, clearly remember handing it to her, perfectly wrapped. I saying, " Happy Mother's Day", She opened it and everything I had rehersed in my head disappeared, when she said, " Oh, it's nice, but you know I can't wear this because I don't want to be your mother anymore, and handed it back to me .....  you need to take this back.

I walked away thinking, I just don't know what else I am to do?

I looked at dad who saw the half opened present in my hand, and he had tears in his eyes. " OH ANTH", I'm not sure if he was crying for me, I had put myself out there and got trampled on by my own mother or whether it was the realisation that she wasn't coming home.

Somehow we just moved on, never a moment passed that dad kept begging her, I stayed away from her and Simone, well , Simone was just very quiet.

Never wanting any attention , especially now everyone knew my families business, I wanted my birthday to just pass, so I was thrilled when a male friend, Simon took me down the coast for a drive for my birthday, perfect !!!!

When we rolled into home, there were a few cars in the street, never occurred to me that when I opened the front door, every person, literally who was in my address book was standing there in my loungeroom. SUPRISE HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY.

God , it was so overwhelming. Old friends, school friends, work friends, squash friends god everyone .... Oh & a stranger who I've never seen,  as  my mothers' "guest" for the night.

This night seems okay, all my friends like me and o-kay it's my birthday, funny I can't remember having birthdays other than my McDonalds Birthday when I was 7 and I got the Nolan sisters record. So it was nice having all these people there just for me.

We are sitting there having a good time, when my mum, clearly intoxicated swings the door open, clearly drunk with this guy behind her groping her, dress was hitched up,  her underwear and stockings ripped. It was obvious that she had just had sex with him outside. I have NEVER seen a party exit so quickly, like someone had passed wind in an elevator ...... QUICK GET OUT OF HERE !!!!!

I was left with 2 friends, sitting on their chairs, Tara & Haley.

They would hear me scream at my mother,  her reply, " You don't care about me, I've thrown you a party and you don't care about me". FOREVER the victim !!!!!!
( I would continue withmum for the next 16 years)

I ended up throwing her car keys in the backyard, as she couldnt drive and I made her walk home. In the heat of the argument, she went to slap me.

Dad, stopped her, and she yelled at dad," hit me, hit me and I'll call the cops". He just cried, and cried, he asked her to leave, because she had pushed too hard this time, she walked back home ...... but he followed her to make sure she was safe ...... but still sitting there was Tara & Haley.

So when I am in QLD, and Jenny has died, it is Tara, who calls me first. " Oh honey, I know you heart is breaking", she asks, " Are you o-kay? and I lay in the bed, I can't talk, I just have nothing but this pain in my throat. I finally tell her, Tara, I'm 100 kilos, next week I will be at 99, Jenny needed to see me at 99, she needed to see me skinny, I needed Jenny to see me skinny. Oh how hard I tried to get to that number for Jenny but she just couldn't hold on for me.

What makes it so bareable is that Haley lives in Brisbane and will be with me in a couple of days, so I am exactly where I need to be.

So I'm back on that Surfers Paradise beach, back in the ZONE nothing else mattered, these 12 weeks were all about me, about me and my weightloss, I now edge towards 20 kilos weight loss with 3 weeks left, I'm going to push to 25 kilos, like an obsessed machine, I live ...  eat ....  sleep and dream 12WBT !!!!

Prior to that I wasn't sure whether I was going to go onto the next round, Christmas, School Holidays, no routine, hell that was 90 % of the round and I will fail, I won't be loosing weight, hell, I eat like there's no tomorrow during that time and to be measured?    Too hard !!!!!

But after those long walks, I had to adjust my thinking. I'm finishing this round off in glory, I'm loosing 25 kilos, and if I dont, I can at least say I did everything I possibly could to get there !!! I am doing the next round, but my approach is completely and utterly different, I'm not obsessing about the numbers, I'm not wanting weight loss every week, I'm going to do everything I can do.

I began the 2nd round waking up at 5am everyday and doing gym work, and a walk to reach the 500 calories burned, just the way I finished, but by the following Wednesday , my body fell into a heap, I was SOOOOOO tired !!!!

I couldn't even empty the lunch boxes after school, I went to bed at 6pm and woke up at 7.30am. Hmmmmm clearly that's not going to be sustainable if I am working til midnight. God, this round needs to be different, because I dont have the same time factor as I did when the boys are at kinder/school. My expectations need to change.

My want and desire is still there, but I have choosen to listen to my body, if it's tired, I'm resting, if it's hurting, I'm resting, I am resting and adjusting. I'm still meal planning and shopping and drinking my water, but the exercising is not consistent. When I am able to exercising, I am doing at least 500-700 calories in that day, and I LOVE IT !!! It's not a hastle, and have this absolute need and desire and want to be there, doing exactly that. I hold on to, that when I am able to do it, I am loving it and I feel passionate about it.

In the past, I've always fallen into this ALL OR NOTHING attitude. I was either counting all my points, perfectly or I was ruining the whole day, hectic .... I was ruining the whole week and blaming everything, "time of the month, bloating, I had a few nights out", and my new beginning point was after weigh in day !!!!

I have found this round,  I am still doing 80% right, but I am snacking where I shouldn't be, and the snacks aren't even bad, it's fruit, watermelon, a rice cake but I'm not beating myself up about it, I am owning it but not blowing it !!!!! In the past if I blew it, I was pizza, chips, ice-cream, all washed down with "diet coke" because if it said, "diet"   didn't that technically mean I was still trying ?

So this round my loss is not great, nor am I tying to justify that. It is what it is, but I have done everything I have allowed myself to do, I am in control ... not out of control.

I am allowing myself to be measured, not this all or nothing attitude, and to be realistic but most of all , I am still listening to my inner voice.

My inner voice is also telling me to be balanced in my family life too. When Michael is working and the boys are at school, It can TOTALLY be about me and tick all those boxes, but whilst on holidays, my family needs me, I need to be a mother. I need to create these amazing memories with them.

They are so important because they will grow up reflecting on their childhood, and I don't want them to have the memories ( or non memories)  I have when I think of my family.

So it's holidays, it doesn't mean relax & throw EVERTHING out, I'm being measure, adjusted but more importantly,  I'm still staying true to the person I want to be and the mother & wife I need to be, because their needs are just as important as mine, at the moment . I'm just more aware of the balance of OUR happiness as well as mine.

WHEN TOMORROW COMES

When I hear this song I can totally hear my mum practising for her kareoke night, Thorn in my side, she would belt out too. She was forever telling us she felt trapped.

But when tomorrow comes ..... we were trapped in the choas that was her life !!!

Tomorrow never came for my dad, she never came back.

I don't ever want my boys to feel my needs came before their needs, their has to be a realistic balance and something that is sustainable, but more importantly I want to be there for my family, as well be there for myself.

Once again the pain & memories have to be for something, I am a good mother, a good wife but I also think I'm o-kay too !!!!