Discover the song ...... Discover me. : Ellie Goulding- Anything Could Happen

June 2012- My grandparents me at 125kilos

" I'm proud of you" Were the words ringing through my head when I hung up the phone. I felt really angry . How dare you be "proud of me ?"

Only proud in this moment? I am so much more than a weight or a shape. There's a whole lot more to Anthea, than an "imagine" to see, if you really want to open you eyes and your mind.

My grandfather has always had an undertone in his voice and I could feel the disappointment in his eyes whenever he looked at me , I am 100 % sure because of my weight. Fact was, I do love him but it's reserved, he has done things that I don't agree with and I too look at him with tainted the eyes.

My grandmother has taken over the void that my mother has left. I call her daily and for a very long time, I have held a lot of her advice as gospel and tried to live by her "approval" , but I always knew in the back of my mind that I did not agree with a lot she spoke of and that's apart of growing up too. It's because he has looked after her and still remained with her that I love him and she adores him.

I speak of Frank & Grandma as if they are my natural grandparents, it never occurs to me that we are not of the same blood because the connection is there, they ( and my fathers parents) are the only grandparents I have ever known.

Grandma come from a very privilege background, very upper class, I still find it hard to believe she is from great standing from "back then" because she's just my grandma.

Her father was a politician for The State Parliament and was also being groomed for National status, he was also founder of LePines funeral parlour in Victoria and was given a state funeral when he passed and grandma laughs at the afternoon they had to host The Queen, on one of her Royal visits. My Nan ( dad's mother) would always say, "you know she's very well to do". As a child I knew they lived in a fancy house but it didn't mean a great deal to me.

Money was never an issue for her family so grandma became a missionary, spreading her love of human kindness and keeping to the "upstanding", in the community.

(Funny she still does, we don't get presents we get a "donated" gift that goes to doctors without borders, and that's quite fine by me)

They were one of the first families to have cars and she would be chauffeured around to do her charity work. To "uphold" the public image. In the 1950's she was taken down to Gippsland to Lake Tyres, an Aboriginal Mission, where they would check on the children's health.

This is where she made contact with my mother's family. 7 out of the 11 children were deaf, due to ear infections. When she saw my mother, her ears were closing over and she instantly fell in love with my mum.

So she asked permission for Helen to come to Melbourne so Gwyn could take care of her medical needs and save her hearing. There after, mum would go on school holidays with Gwyn.

When mum's family were moved to Aarat from the mission in Lake Tyres things got really messy, alcohol and violent abuse was introduced. My biological grandfather was killed in a hit run accident, and my biological grandmother, Mariah began drinking very heavily, such a dire mess for those 11 children to grow up in ( their story has been published by one of my Aunties and currently receiving awards around the country)

It was because of the children's welfare that they were all removed from my biological grandmother's care, every child was put into orphanages around the state, and I mean babies-16 year old, my mother was the only one who went into a "family" environment and she was fostered by Gwyn & Frank.

So fortunate that she had established a relationship with this "white" family, they had 3 boys, yet opened their hearts to my mother. One of their son's mates Tony, took a liking to mum and would eventually become my father.

Mariah, my biological grandmother never recovered from the grief of having her babies removed a wandered life aimlessly drunk and alone, until she was murdered, just after my mother and father had married, in 1972.

By this stage my mother too had very little to do with Mariah, I guess that's history repeating itself and it took me a really long time to understand that I wanted a relationship with "a mother" but how could I ever have that, if she never knew how to be one, when she never had it herself?

I understand who Helen (my mother ) is, I understand why she has her inner demons, but I just could not have that intense fighting and blame on me anymore.

I think I love my mother, I just can not have everything that comes packaged with her.

Stepping away sometimes is the easy way out but believe me it was a very emotional and gut wrenching, but really necessary for me to become a healthy, loving and strong wife for my husband and more importantly, mother to my babies.

Generations of non mothers needed to stop !!!! That was not going to be me, therefore I work everyday to love those babies of mine and to give them a mother I hope they they are PROUD of & THAT I AM PROUD OF !!!!!!!

So this word ...... PROUD ?

Why was I stumped for it to be coming from Frank?

I've really mulled over it, I actually felt like saying, bugger off , shouldn't you always be proud of me? Regardless of my weight? But because I am "capable" of loosing weight, I am all of a sudden "worthy", of you attention, and your praise?

As a mother, I feel that every night I go to bed, sure those boys drive me banana's beyond belief, but I am a proud mother.

So it got me thinking about Nathan Buckley....... (yes so out of left field) . I am an Essendon Supporter, but have a great appreciation for AFL football as a whole. Michael is Collingwood, so I bought him Nathan Buckley's book. He has always intrigued me, his mother worked with my mother-in-law for a short time and they spent a lot of time around indigenous people.

In his preface he writes

" I don't care what you think of me. Never really have. If you like me, fine. If you don't, I won't loose sleep over it. I'm sure you have an opinion- perhaps a very strong one - but simply doesn't register with me because I've always had the perfect antidote: a thick skin it's almost impossible to penetrate.

Actually, let me qualify that. I care about what some people think of me - the people who know me - who I've worked closely with, and who I respect."

Ah that was it, people who know me and that I truly love and respect , that's who's opinions , I care about too.

When my first round finished and I had lost 25.2 kilos, I felt so lost and overwhelmed. I had done it, I had achieved something I had never dreamt possible, and I did it. Had I done enough for top 20? Which I've explained my reasoning with Jenny, but overall I just stopped, I didn't exercise, I didn't have too. I should have had all this energy but I had been running at full intensity that I couldn't even make the beds and I had also realised that during these final 2 weeks, I didn't stop and grieve Jenny.

Then there was a knock on my door, my girlfriend Lisa standing there.

Lisa employed me 16 years ago at Safeway, and has become one of "my girls", she has always just dropped everything for me, when I've needed her. When Zayd was born 6 weeks prem, Lisa was there, when Taj had surgery, Lisa was there. We don't necessarily spend a of time together but my gosh she is there when I need her and I love her immensely for caring for me.

Here she stood with a beautiful arrangement of flowers. My house was A MESS, I WAS A MESS, the front lawn had daisy's growing through it. WHAT?

With a simple message, I just buckled in her embraced and I cried and I cried for myself & I cried for Jenny.

It was just an enormous moment.

Now that made me feel like it came from the heart, from a special place because she knows me !!!!!     Yes I felt and knew she was PROUD of me.

Before I stop and write my blogs , I think I know what I want to be" themed", this one was to be about being "PROUD" & what meaning it has to you, and who do you respect?

And my answer to both was the same ...... I am PROUD and I RESPECT .....     MYSELF.

Such a simple concept but ever so hard to achieve & more importantly to "accept"

Once again my mind ticking over. Why? ..... Why now?   ....... Why can this happen now ? Why is it working now?   Why is this different to any other time?

Then I found this & it nailed EVERYTHING FOR ME