When I think of incredible people, I look at a mother who is still fighting a battle to save young lives from suicide after her son has left her side taken by the same curse, my husband's father who is a double amputee, a foster mother who has 3 down syndrome adult children. All people who grace my world.
I don't think I'm special , no different to the next person, I am just me, trying to look after me.
My upbringing wasn't too far from the middle, certainly not "typical" but there are a lot more people out there, who have lived with bigger struggles. I just had to cope with a fair bit in a space of a couple of years and in reflection it was more about other people's actions and how could I make the situation better ? I was just trying to find a better way, and in doing so creating a better me.
The thing was, I appeared to be coping and saying all the right things but clearly if people wanted to have a deeper look, that wasn't the case, I was eating and abusing my body, I was immensely unhappy .......... unhappy with myself.
So once I clicked into the motions of 12WBT, I basically did the same thing everyday, I knew each day I had a calorie burn I needed to achieve. Everyone was doing 50 Shades Of Grey, I attempted the first book and the 1st chapter of the second ..... pass, my time was too precious to be wasting it on that !!!! But what I found so funny was, strap on my heart rate monitor and it became my master. I was doing my own 50 Shades of Me .......... Like putting a bridal & saddle on a horse to say lets do it, lets flog this race. That's what my routine was.
My sand shoes were apart of my "kit", previously my sand shoes were basically my every time ...... everyDAY shoes because my knee were so painful, that it was out of necessity , that was my only option. I would mow the lawns with them, I would wear them to school drop off & pick ups, to a parties,yep all day, everyday footwear. I had convinced myself it was ALL because of my knees.
Having played so much junior squash, I had triggered a lot of damage in my cartilage and early onset of osteo-arthiritis. It was never about my weight because that would be admitting and taking responsibility that it was actually this enormous amount of weight I was carrying around and the intense pain I was ramming through them every time I took a step, when I got out of the car, hell even when I got out of the toilet !!!
So my kit would be set up for me, every morning ....... ipod with my workout soundtrack, I would welcome the beats of FloRida, Usher, Timomatic. Rhianna, Nikki Minaj, David Guetta, anything with a quick fast beat, those sand shoes, my knee brace, sunglasses, and my amazing heart rate monitor.
As soon as the calories burned ticked over, I'm done, done, done.
Huge tick, now what else to do with my day? The crazy thing was , I work til late and don't go to bed late, which has always been the case, but I can operate on only 4 hours solid sleep, then get up again to exercise in the gym at 5.30am, yes I'm tired but I just seem to have a lot my energy to be able to do.
When I am just doing it, I feel like I have found my home, exactly where I need to be and when I haven't done it I know through my bones that something is completely missing in my day. My body craves the hit, like an addiction, it has become a need, a want. I'm now not happy if I haven't exercised.
Like fuel on a fire that's me, that's how I feel, I feel Alicia Keys , This girl is on fire. I just set the goal and I do it. If I plug in 40 minutes on the cross trainer that's what I do, if I want to walk 2 laps of the 6.5km lake, that's what I am doing, if I commit to doing it, that's what I'm doing. No matter how little or if I think I couldn't do it, that's what I was doing. (only once I decided to aim for 3 laps of the lake but it was getting dark & my phone was running out, so 2 it was)
I've always been like that, in everything and I do, start with the little things.
I don't like tupperware parties, yet I seem to get invited to them, instead of making up an excuse, I've double booked, I don't feel well, I have work commitments, well the answer is, thank you for the lovely invite but I will pass, Tupperware is not my thing but have a great time.
I haven't lied, I haven't crapped on, no excuses, it is what it is.
I have a really basic principal within myself, I am very honest ( as well as mindful) but sometimes, it is what it is. I would much prefer to be hurt with the honest truth, than be hurt with a lie because a Iie means someone has thought and tried to manipulate the situation. If you are straight up honest, then it is what it is. Sure I might feel hurt and disappointed but I am not furious ...... if I know it's a lie, a lie is deceitful !!!! I can always get over the disappointment if it's wrapped up as being honest, might take some time but I do work through it and I also come out respecting that because you've respected me enough, to give me the truth.
Honouring a person of their word, that's what I respect.
So when I say yes, I'm doing it. Well I'm doing it without any other intention of just doing it !!!
Therefore no more "pretending" that the weight didn't matter because clearly it was holding me back and I WAS LYING TO MYSELF !!!! How can I respect myself ?? If LYING is exactly what I was doing. I wasn't fooling anyone that was clearly there for everyone to see. Me I was the fool walking around with my eyes completely shut.
So start with the little things, say no to an invitation if it's something you don't want to do, you are practising being honest with yourself.
Say no to the McDonald's drive through, say no to the bread on the table, so no to the soft drink, they are all changes that get you to the bigger picture of saying yes to the extra water, yes to the early to bed, saying yes to walking to pick up the kids, yes to that extra work out, yes to not eating midnight snacks, everything I did.
Do it with every situation and it can only becomes easier.
And that's what I did, I never really thought about how enormous the number of kilos I was loosing, it actually didn't matter because I was feeling stronger & unstoppable in everything I did, my head was sitting higher on my shoulders, not only because of the weight around my neck and chins were disappearing, but the mindset was lighter, it wasn't a struggle, I was turning this into an internal love of myself.
I just did, I just operated, I didn't really think about anyone else other than Jenny & Simone, so when the 12 weeks wrapped up and I could "report" to my facebook world that I had managed 25.2 kilos in that 12 weeks, it seemed like I had opened these flood gates.
Everyone one loving me, and congratulating me, words like being you're inspiring and motivating, amazing were words I heard all the time. I was rather wonderful, yet confusing.
It was as if I was walking around with a neon light flashing on my head, " I'm here, look at me by the way do you know I've lost 25 kilos".
It was so overwhelming, I begged to walk past people and just not engage in a conversation because I just wanted to be alone. ( No eye contact Anthea, so odd same behaviour, same body, different shape ) I wanted an invisible Harry Potter cloak. Which was crazy because, here was Mr Cellophane again but in the positive way this time, I wanted it people not to see me.
The fact was, all I did was exercise after Jenny died, I didn't do anything else, I didn't want to be near anyone else. We had school holidays, then our QLD holiday and Jenny's funeral. So people saw me from about 110 kilos to 95 kilos, and a very different shape.
To them it seemed instant but I had been plugging at this every day.
I was having "a moment" one morning after the kinder drop off and a mother said to me, " You look so amazing, but you look out of sorts?". I said, " It's too much attention, I don't know what to do with all these compliments," I had realised that I have always given, and given and given, underneath the radar, never front and centre, just a doer, nothing important just in the background ..... just the way I liked it. Never has it been the other way around, and it was a really weird place to be !!!!
Her answer was perfect, in her Irish accent she said, "Oh no, people are saying well done, on your commitment to yourself, it has nothing to do with your weight, it has everything to do with your passion, and your desire to want the best from yourself.
WOW, that sat so much better on me, that I can accept.
See I went through the motions more times than I could even remember with my family, the person I punished the most, was myself, and for once, ..... for once in my life I was celebrating me, not only the weight loss but on how far I have come in being able to accept all that had gone before me & what I had in front of me.
It's the most amazing place to be living in & that's what I want for everyone, to find their inner happiness and their inner peace. That's what I would want, if I could touch people and make them believe that through their wants and actions they could have it all too. God it has to be worth it, every single lesson learnt, there has to be a pay off for all that cost, I've been through.
THIS WAS MY LIFE, MY PAST & MY FUTURE !!!!!
BECOME YOUR OWN FIRE & FIND THE FUEL THAT'S GOING TO
BURN THAT DESIRE.
BECOME THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE
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