LIFE & You Gotta Be - Des'ree

 

Life - Des'ree

 

So after all is said and done
I know I'm not the only one
Life indeed can be fun, if you really want to

Sometimes living out your dreams,
Ain't as easy as it seems
You wanna fly around the world,
In a beautiful balloon

 

 

 

 

 

I just don't think I can do it, I just don't think I really can do this is what I told myself with everything I did, especially with weightloss.

 

Why bother, when anything I've ever done in relation to weight loss has ever failed me?

The programs don't work. Am I just wasting my money?  ( well Michael's money, he's the "main" provider)   I know me, I 've never stuck to anything, life just gets too busy and I need to be here, I need to be there, I'm tired and I guess, this is who I am . I am Anthea, I'm no-one really important, I'm just pretty empty actually.

I know my children love me, and I think my husband loves me.  It's not that he has said or done anything wrong, he is a wonderful man, but I am just not living up to my end of the bargain. This is not the wife and mother I imagined I would be. I am trapped inside an ugly, fat, repulsive, revolting body. It wouldn't surprise me, if one day he turns around and said, " I just don't find you attractive anymore, I think I love you but you are unattractive" .......    Do you know why?  Because that's what I saw every time I looked into the mirror, everyday when I was carrying 125 kilos. I was an unattractive person, when you tell yourself that, you live it, you breathe it, you walk it, with your head down and you're trying to move  but it's so hard to move when to feel like you are cemented into a place you know, you don't want to be, but I'm stuck !!!! It was a bloody hard place to be.

There's no escaping the obvious, yet I was escaping the responsibility. IT WAS ALL MY DOING. I WAS THE ONLY PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERY CHOICE, EVERY ACTION  .........THAT WAS ME !!!!!

My husband told me he loved me, just as my father told my mother but I just couldn't convince myself  that he could because I didn't like me too much either.

Like I have said before I was physically there with my family, but Michael was the "fun" parent, he was the one ABLE to do things with them.

My body & my attitude never allowed me to be "present". All those excuses, they were ringing loud and clear in my head like an echo.

It would take 21 weeks of 12WBT for me to tell you, I have re-joined my family, and that's what this blog is about it's about two amazing songs from Des'ree called Life & You Gotta be.

It felt like a hard slog in those first 8 weeks, still that self doubt I had no idea where it would lead me, I just knew it was perfect for me because I'm a planner, I have my systems. If we have a trip to take, I would make a list a few days before, tick everything off as I packed it, the car was filled with petrol the night before & cash was in the purse just in case something came up.

So 12 WBT absolutely fitted my tendencies to have a method. Even when I was doing weight watchers, I would plan every meal and have my snacks ready. If I didn't do this I WASN"T DOING IT, I was all or nothing ........ that's why it previously never worked because of Michelle Bridges simple saying ..... Failing to plan is planning to fail.

It's not like I woke up and boom I was loosing weight, I have worked damn hard to get my results.  I was doing all the right things, it just works.  I just did the same thing every week, I menu planned at the same time, I shopped at the same time and I made sure I hit those calorie burn.

Over 100 kilos - I would burn 600-800 calories for 5 days a week, with a rest day & SSS at 1000 calories

Under 100 kilos- Between 400-600 a day for 5 days a week, with a rest day & SSS at 1000 calories.

Plus eating my allocated calories, it simply works. Oh & one other MAJOR thing, my internal thought process has changed, this is not a diet, this is a complete  ( Des'ree) "LIFE' changing attitude, this is who I am , this is what I need to do, I need to do this  EVERY HOUR , EVERY DAY, EVERY WEEK.  If I want this process to work. I need to be consistent.

I really encourage people to write down a wish list of things they would like to do. Set some non-weight challenges, my first round challenge was to climb the 1000 steps.( At the end of this round I want to do those stairs twice)

My challenges for this round, was to try things I've never done before  which I have done.  I have discovered an obsession with the Cross trainer, a piece of equipment I could NEVER see myself using,  ( nor had I stepped on one until this round, once again, I just don't think I can do it but I do)  I am doing CXWorks, Body Balance, I am doing interval running ( all things I have NEVER done before this round)   &  I want to fit into my wedding dress (saving that for week 12 ). These were my challenges for this round,  it was not about a KILO weight loss, it was about setting challenges and achieving them .

I truly believe I was so successful in my first round because I didn't care about the number, I cared about Jenny & just getting myself right. For me , it's not about THE NUMBER, it's about hitting those challenges & those numbers.

So on Thursday I began planning that road trip. After doing to much reflection on my childhood and especially my friends, it was time to go home to Ocean Grove, I needed to see Tara and I needed to forefill a commitment to myself, this was all about the aqua racer.

When we were in Queensland, I was sitting just above 100 kilos, in October 2012. I sat there watching my family in the glorious sunshine. I was feeling pleased with myself for having almost lost 20kgs, but the thought of climbing those stairs, all the way to the top, if I think too much, heights could actually scare me, then to get to the top and kneel down on top a mat. God the fear of my knees buckling under my weight,  I had already replayed the scene over and over my head a thousand times of what could & would go wrong. So I sat there thinking , yes I've come a long way but I have such a long way to go and once again I wasn't apart of my families fun. That I can still leave to Michael but at least I am getting there, I am, and I will do that. If I remain focused and consistent, I will be doing that.

As we walked through the gates at Adventure Park, 3 months after our QLD holiday,  all I could think about was doing it, I had to just do it. I don't care that it's not hot yet, I'm here to do one thing, I am here to climb that aqua racer.

We walked around to suss out what was where. What I could see , were a lot of over weight people sitting under the shade and they looked uncomfortable, they looked sad, hot and uncomfortable, I walk past them thinking, I so know who you are because you are me, 4 months ago. ( It's funny how I have this need to want people to feel like me but I also know it has to come from within the individual too)

We head to the " Lazy River" first, and the tubes come floating down, then I think oh crap, at wet and wild, I couldn't even fit the tube over my wait, I had to lay on my tummy & kick, because I just didn't fit. Well the damn thing goes over without any easy. But it's the balance and I try to over correct myself and tip over, legs and bum pointing to the sk, as I look up, Michael ia roaring with laughter at me ( this is a very happy moment because he is smiling and loving me)  .  I eventually jump and flip my legs out and float, just like a skinny person, no one knows that I am any different, I am just blending in.

Then we made our way over to the paddle boats. Ask me 6 months ago, the answer would be NO, but having 2 children now that are at the age , where one understands they will miss out because only one parent will go on the ride with them , is hard to explain. It was really quite bizarre to go over to the life jackets & just put one on, just a "normal" adult life jacket fitted me. I have always come accustomed to going the XXL or it not even fitting me. So off we went paddling around a lake on the paddle boat, it was easy, comfortable,having fun and burning calories, I  was even  able to bare my weight on my knees and legs to get out of the boat onto the jetty all these things that once upon a time stopped me.

Then the sidetracking had been done ....... it was time. 

Michael & the boys had no idea how many thoughts were going through my head. I lined up to grab my mat. My 5 year old screamed, WHAT ? Mum's getting a mat too? I thought YES MATE, I SO am .

 I think I saw every wet footprint on the path going up to the top, and I ensured I got the middle lane, so I couldn't see over the sides, I didn't look at my family, I just concentrated on putting the mat down, holding on and keeping my grip.  I thought it's just a yoga mat like CX, when that buzzer goes, you are doing it.

The buzzer goes and so do I, it doesn't seem that high because I have my eyes firmly on the first bump, then I loose all perspective because I am airborne, OMG, where is that slide ? I can't feel it beneath my body.  It's like I am flying and for the very, very first time, I wished my guts had that 35 kilos on it, to weigh me down. I got to the bottom with the rush of fear and excitement all at the same time. I still had to bounce to my legs, because I had replayed that in my head too, that I would be stuck unable to lift myself off the ground and the running water underneath my feet. I did that without any care in the world.

I asked Michael, what my face was like when it had finished and he said, "Anth, you looked really scared, but then you smiled. I just didn't realise , that was so hard for you, but you still did it".

And wasn't that the truth ....... this whole wishing to be different, to be in an improved body, to begin something and finish it, it is so scary, it is so hard, but by god isn't it all worth it, just to smile again .......  to be apart of my family again. It was worth every self doubt and it was worth every hard step.  This is the 12WBT, this a whole new "LIFE" for me


YOU GOTTA BE

THIS IS ME HAVING A MOMENT OF WOWNESS & THIS IS MY DAY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.