I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz

I don't know how many times I have said this, but if I could just be under 100 kilos, I just know I will be happy and everything will be fantastic.

When I was over 120 kilos and staring head on at 130 kilos, being under 120 kilos seemed like an impossible ask, so I never attempted it, my scales became something sitting in the cupboard and had no batteries. I attempted weight loss programs but I never really seriously stuck with something that would head me in the consistent right direction, and I tried them all. But at 120 kilos, I was sad, I was miserable and everything felt dark all the time. I "appeared happy", but mentally I couldn't have been further from the truth.

The littlest thing, seemed like the biggest injustice and I complained about everything and anything to anybody who would listen. I would be complaining to my grandma, Tara, Lisa, Clare,  I would be on the phone all day, looking for someone to listen and agree with me on how rough my life was, and if that wasn't working for me I hit Facebook too, to let everyone know it wasn't a good day for me. I just felt it was important to keep everyone "up to date", just in case people stopped being interested in me. I was forever looking for other people's validation to tell me I was o-kay because I didn't particularly like myself a whole lot.

When I hung up the phone or put it on Facebook, did I feel any better because I had ranted about it? No it just seemed I was waiting for the next thing to feed that angry fire. I can't imagine I was a great person to be around, someone who sucks up that much negativity , why would you ?  Was it anybody else's problem?

 Oh and then there was Michael, Oh my, how he  put up with that discussing attitude and poor behaviour , I have no idea,  other than he must really love me, that he stuck around !!!! Up, down, up, down. Angry, sad, miserable and a little bit more anger mixed in just in case you didn't know I was pissed off  and that had EVERYTHING to do about how I felt about myself.

Once again,  I hear myself saying .......  it's the weight, if I am under 100 kilos then I will be happy, like there is some magical happiness meter, that says, congratulations your numbers now read 99.9, and with a flick of a switch, you are now automatically happy, and cured because you made it.

I was doing Weight Watchers for years and could never get past the 10% milestone, it seemed, I would reach it, then boom go the other way because I felt like I had "done it" without realistically looking at exactly where I was at, I still sat morbidly obese !!!!

I adored my weight watchers leader ( I had been with her on and off for 8 years) but when I decided to leave for 12wbt, I gave her a bunch of flowers to say thank you for believing in me but I promised that I would come back and see her at Christmas time, I wasn't giving up, I was just changing directions.

So at Christmas I walked into the complex after the meeting had finished and she couldn't put it all together, could see it was me but I was 27 kilos lighter, something she had never seen.

Once we got talking she could not only see but hear that everything had changed about me. Not the body but the mindset and attitude that comes with it !!!!!

Over the years she watched, all my boys go through surgery, Taj looked like he had to have a full chest reconstruction and for 18 months Michael struggled with a massive goitre that gave him a limited airway passage to breathe, and in that he had a cancerous node,  ( the thyroid surgery completely removed the cancer, but it was hard knowing that he had that embedded in him too)  , Michael's dad got prostrate cancer and won that battle, and we had Simone's first suicide attempt. She said, " Anthea, you always had something major happening and it always stopped you, I felt so sorry for you and I just wished all these things would stop happening to you", but look at you now? I could hear her sympathise with me.  I hear Michelle Bridges saying, spin so much bullshit and excuses everyone around you believed them too, even yourself  ............   WOW and that's exactly what I had been doing before 12wbt. The evidence was clear, this is how I had been living.

I said, "Lynn, that's the point & the difference with me today .......  This is LIFE !!!!  There will always going to be SOMETHING no matter how big or how small, it's how I want to attack that and make that my reason to keep me heading in the right direction.

I started 12wbt because I needed a great distraction from Jenny dying and Simone's erratic life. I didn't go in with a goal, I just wanted to stop putting on the weight and I just didn't want to be sad because of my weight anymore and I just wanted to be under 100 kilos, because isn't than when happiness kicks in and all my problem's fade away?

I reported my progress to my 3 friends through texts every week and I reported to my Facebook world every 4 weeks. Still looking for people's approval, still trying to stay relevant, but I actually like it  ......  showing off and receiving so much encouragement and support, so I should be I'm working bloody hard at it!!!

As I went through my first round, I was hearing Michelle Bridges saying, you need to set goals and mini-goals. I was doing this but I had the only measurement to me that made complete sense, was my happiness.

I felt very pressured if I didn't say, well I want to be X amount of weight by a certain date and I will not stop until I hit my healthy BMI. (don't get me wrong these are soooo important to a healthy body and great goals they just weren't mine) . I was beginning to feel putting the number goal was like setting up that 10% weight loss goal from weight watchers that I could never achieve. What if my goal was to just find a complete balance of happiness and a healthy functioning body regardless of the number? Am I failure because I'm not saying I've made it when I've hit a number?  

At the beginning of this round, as well as my Dexa Scan I felt like I was in a great space, I had a mixed previous round with school holidays but once the kids were back at school full time I could push the pedal to the metal and rip through it again. I can't tell you how much I loved my new routine, mixing it up and heaps of gym work, because my body felt so strong and amazing, but then my knee reared it's ugly head. I figured because I had lost all this weight, my knee was no longer an issue.

My knees have been deteriorating since I was 21, having played so much squash. I was playing state squash in Melbourne 5 times a week and after matches couldn't change the gears in my car, the physio said that day, you've played your last game of squash, because you won't be walking in 20 years ....... I wished I had kept his number because he had an amazing crystal ball.

STATE SQUAD at age of 14

I'm just pushing this body to limits I've NEVER been too. I would pull up tender every second week, I would need to rest it for a few days, then once it felt good, bang back into it. I was doing 500 -700 calories burn a day  & my full SSS and felt FINALLY I was back in the pocket where I feel complete bliss. I go back onto the bmx track this time not walking it but running it, up and down those hills, with an extreme heart rate and a quick burn and I did 1000 calories at 1000 steps which felt magnificent I spent 3 and a half hours running the outside tracks, I did the stairs once, but the track up and down 4 times. If I could bottle up that feeling up I would. I felt sooo incredible. It felt like this peaceful magical place that I had been missing out on, it was a complete high like a drug, I left alive for the very first time.  My weight didn't budge but I just don't care anymore ...... well not care, I don't obsess and worry about it.

It seemed every 4 weeks would be the off week, and the fitness test impossible with running, squatting and stretching the knee is just so bad but I listened to this body ( funnily enough I just don't care to tell anyone yet, not Facebook and not my friends) 

I  rested enough to get myself right to do Run For The Kids. I initially wanted to do the 15km course and with the amount of walking I had been doing, it looked like I was going to do well with it, but with the consistent pain I was in, I thought lets do the 5.5km instead. So I changed the length, and my husband was thrilled, it was such an amazing day,

Before & after the race with Michael and meeting up with one of my gorgeous best friends Lisa.

I ran 80% of it,  not fast, but I ran and I felt like I had ticked off my  "goal" box. Doing this 12 months ago with 38 kilos on would have never even been a consideration but here I was, just doing it and feeling free.

My "official" time is 45.46 for the 5.5kms, it's a PB because it's a first for me.   

With Easter coming up, I have never been so excited the first Easter that I can say, lets go hiking, lets go for a drive, lets live life, lets be a fun family because I don't feel limited by my weight but on Thursday night I did one too many quick turns on my left knee and I just haven't recovered. It's made me think, of  Michelle Bridges, is this all my excuses coming into play because I feel I've been carrying this knee for ALONG time now ?   And I have worried that because I can't do all this physical work that I am use to doing, am I all of a sudden going to pile it all on again?

Then I've had a really good think about it. I think "excuses" is telling yourself and giving yourself permission to go and eat 4000 calories and saying, it's okay and acceptable to continue your own self destructive behaviour and blaming everything and everybody else but yourself.

This is a genuine reason, I just wished I had recognised it earlier than trying to push through it with explaining to myself that I could make it better.

So this Easter my knee kept collapsing with every step I made, literally , I could not put my pants on, shoes on, just sooooooo much pain, so I iced, elevated and rested for 4 days until I could get to my regular doctor. Who sent me for my X-Rays.

(It was when I took this photo I could see the difference and the top of the leg is doubled, I thought, hmmmmm, O-kay I not only see it, but I really feel the pain now)

X-Rays have revealed that the arthritis has rapidly increased in the joints and my right knee, the good knee has tripled the amount of arthritis in 2 years.

My bone has thinned behind my left knee cap and I have lost all the tracking behind the knee cap so it has no support. The X-Ray only gives the indication of bone damage and structure, not the ligaments and tendons, so I am beginning physio to strengthen the muscles and I see the surgeon on the 7th Of May, who I suspect will send me for a MRI, but he will tell me exactly whats going on.

Until then I need to suck the pain up with osteo panadol and very limited exercise on my legs. My doctor looked me in the eye and smiled at me, to make sure I was hearing her ..... NO MORE IMPACT HIGH INTENSITY EXERCISE !!!!  Slow movement in the water but nothing else but make sure it's 6 panadol a day and make that appointment with the surgeon ...... please.

So I took the film to my neighbour who is a radiologist, who pointed out all the shading and it's not good. But I guess it is what it is. I have my ears opened, I have heard. I don't like it. This has nothing to do with weight loss anymore of course that is still so important,  but this is about protecting my body so I am walking !!!!

Michael has been AMAZING !!!!!   During Easter he did an overhaul of the kitchen and removed all the crap that has crept in and he made me rest and ice. All through Easter he looked at me in bed and reminded me, your body is not burning calories like it's use to, so you need to be careful about what you eat now.  Today he looked at me and said, enough, you are clearly miserable go to the gym, NO equipment other than arm weights.

So I did, I hobbled and the pain is just constantly there but it's the oddest feeling.  I am use to spending 3 hours at the gym burning my calories and not coming out until I do. I missed my squats, I missed my 45 minutes on the cross trainer, I felt a bit better  knowing I had at least done something but I also feel sad because I know I miss the sweat and the rush. But it's a whole different type of sad, it's not poor me, it's an acceptance of the path has deviated.

There is no doubt I have swapped one addiction with another, I am no longer addicted to food, I am addicted to exercising and pushing as hard as I could.

So for now I have to hear and remember those doctors orders.

I also can't help but think about Jenny. She was in so much pain, did she complain? No, she was gracious, I have no idea how because I am hurting. I think of that conversation about my big fat morbidly obsess body and thinking, I need to get healthy because if I get cancer, how can I ever know when I am moving in a body that is hurting everyday because of all this extra weight I am carrying ?

This may have been the natural course of my body, bones and the arthritis but imagine how I would have coped if I was over 120 kilos and a shitty negative self image and self destructive behaviour with no consequences attitude because that's exactly how I was living before 12wbt.

Thank god, I kept going to get those kilos off when my body wasn't injured. Just like I explained to my weight watchers leader Lynne, there's always going to be something that's going on in our lives, I am just really happy that I kept forging through those first 2 rounds to loose the weight I did, that I have that supportive husband who understand how important it is to have good nutrition and also understand how important exercise is to my mental state too.

Yes am hurting, I am in extreme pain, and sometimes I  feel miserable, I am missing exercising like I have been accustomed too, but I've done this before, but on a whole different level. My life was take away and junk food and zero planning and no realistic goals and I had too adjust a new lifestyle  (THAT I LOVE)   and I just can't ever do THAT again !!!! It's a whole different sort of pain when I was 120 kilo !!!!

What if I never had that conversation with Nina on the side of the pool deck about 12wbt?

What if I never realised that the weight could mask something bigger like cancer, like Jenny's lung cancer started as "a sore back"  therefore I needed to work bloody hard to get me into a healthy functioning body?

I shudder to think where I would be, I would still be in denial and unhappy but most of all I would not have the tools and the mindset that tells me I am going to be o-kay because it's all up to me, to make it happen, which is all 12 wbt.

I think one of the greatest things about 12wbt is the SSS. When I did that 1000 calorie burn for the first time and it took me over 3 hours, it gave me a whole new perspective on the worth of the calorie.

There is no doubt that 12wbt has made who I am today but I have had the most amazing support with fitness friends, with the D30 group, with my own support network and more importantly within my 4 wall with my husband also becoming aware of how important this new life is.  So next round when I am not doing 12wbt, ( because I will have had surgery) I know I have taken everything from 12wbt and it's changed me completely !!!!

 I have never been happier, and it's not because I'm under 100 kilos . It's actually the way I feel about myself  and the way I treat people around me and that's all because I am happier with who I am in my own skin, which no doubt has been affected by the weight loss not THE AMOUNT I have lost .

I don't worry and dwell about the small unimportant stuff anymore, and my phone bill is cut in half because I'm not on it complaining all the time. I don't look at Facebook to feel validated & important anymore.

I will still continue my gym and assessments and reviews every 4 weeks, I am still concentrating on my Dexa Scan. I just won't be doing it under the 12wbt official.

But I've reached my measurement,  that is important to me, I've found my happiness.

Weight wise I still see my goal weight measurable to my Dexa Scan at 69-72 kilos and I will get there, I'm just not racing in the "weeks" to get there and my knee ( and my doctor)  has told me so too, I am taking a detour first to get these knee's stronger, again, can't say I like it but what else can I do?  Go eat cake and pizza?     

HARDLY !!!!!!!!!!  


DON'T GIVE UP BECAUSE YOUR EXCUSE IS IT'S TOO HARD OR YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED .

Make that body stronger and healthy so when that big "something" comes, you have the right tools and mindset to get through it in a positive way.

Waterloo

I will always maintain that no matter shape or size you are ....... ugly on the inside is always ugly on the inside. Anyone can change their appearance by loosing weight but if you are a  negative, ugly, nasty, unkind person .... well that will always remain.

When it's my time to go beyond this life of mine, I want to be remembered as a kind, caring, thoughtful person.  Will they say at my funeral ......  and it's really important for you to know that she currently weighted 88.7kgs and her measurements were ........  well  ...... NO.  It's your overall health that's important not the shape you see in the mirror but geez it's gotta help,  if you are living a healthier and happier lifestyle before your time is up.

I was a very spoilt girl growing up, my father as I have mentioned over compensated by not being there emotionally by giving us money.

I was raised by him with the rule of  ....... rights with responsibilities, we had the right to do anything we wanted as long as we were responsible. At anytime I would have somebody over to sleep, male or female, they were to stay in my bedroom and I had to look after them, feed them, and make them feel welcomed in our house.

At the age of 14 my best friend was Michael, he was my squash partner, we toured around the states playing squash, he was just my friend, no different to a girl ....friend. Michael and I surfed and played squash for years together and not once, was it anything else, my best friend just happened to be a boy. It would take me another 5 years to discover the other meaning of  "boys".

If there was a party I wanted to go to as an underage drinker, I could drink, and my father would buy me my alcoholic beverage, he would buy me 2 UDL's. He would drive me to the party, drop me off and would pick me up at the time I told him. Sometimes I said," there will be drugs smoked here, I might have a cigarette but I won't do anything else, can you pick me up at 12? " Just as I had promised I would only drink the 2 cans for the night, and sometimes I would just give away a can and walk around holding the other because I just never really got drinking, I stayed true to that commitment I made to him and there he would be picking me up at 12.

I was to NEVER go home with someone I didn't know, and if I ever got separated from people I went out with,  I was to call at whatever time it was and get him to pick me up and if my plans changed I was to always call and tell him.

Never did I ever do anything beyond these very wide boundaries ......  I had the right to do anything but I needed to be responsible therefore I never disrespected this great trust he gave in me, I never wanted to disappoint him. Funny how with all this space I was given, I always respected his worries, his thoughts and his opinions too. If he asked something of me, I just did it without question because the communication ran both ways and I always respected he was my father and what he said, went.

I went to an all girls school in Geelong and watched many girls get pregnant, and they would "sneak" out,  then be grounded for a lifetime because they disobeyed their parents. I just didn't get it. Why would I ever piss off my father?
Because of this trust he installed in me, I just never knew how to tell him that one night when I was 7 years old, while he and mum were having their "cards night" after baseball,  I was molested and sexually assaulted by an 18 year old boy, nephew of the people who's house they were in. I figured as long as the adults were o-kay, then I guess this was ..... well whatever it is.  I was 7,  and nothing made sense other than I know this is wrong.

My mum in her madness of the childhood she lived told me, " if anybody interfered with me, we would become retarded'. You have no idea , how many times when I sat in class and I didn't understand a maths equation, I kept thinking, Oh that's because THAT happened , so I told NO ONE !!!!!  For a really long time.

So when we are at high school in a very sexually charged up school girls are talking about boys, I just don't get it. How can that ACT be even remotely nice? Even thinking about it,  I would feel sick in the stomach.

Around about this time in High School, my mother wants to embrace her Aboriginality, and wants to become a performer. So we are dragged into this very well known acting group, who want to act out The William Buckley Story, where we are cast as the Aboriginal tribal people. We went out camping through the bush together and we made huts out of bark and we were taught traditional tribal dancing from elders, which was the most amazing experience. I was cast as a lead actor, as a blind boy and had to work very closely with  the male "actor".

We did many scene together and were alone a lot of the time. We spent months and hours together. For some reason I just felt awful in the guts about this male actor, he would rub me in the most inappropriate places when we were alone and because we wore very little attire I just felt terrible, but again I had this in my head, someone interferes with me, I am stupid.

So I begin a very different type of friendship with another actor, she is the most gentle, caring, beautifully talented person I have ever met. I ask her to come and watch over my performance & rehearsals ( I am actually just asking for another adult to be present because I DO NOT TRUST him ) 

She becomes my everything, it's a lot more than a friendship it's something I have never experienced before, she gives me this amazing strength of okayness, she becomes my protector and she is a lesbian. I totally dote and adore her, and I'm in love with her. Our friendship is just something I still can't explain, it's like she was just there to make me feel loved again. I would often spend week ends at her house, have breakfast and then walked to school as she lived only a couple of blocks away. I would often sit there and just have these amazing conversations about the week end we had just spent in Melbourne with all these famous people, at the set of neighbours, quite often over breakfast with her flatmate Rachel.

It was such a wild time, performing and getting standing ovations , being in awe of another human being and just living in a moment. After the show finished I still saw my girlfriend and we had regular contact but it just all of a sudden stopped and then she packed up and left. I was lost, what on earth has just happened? I was so happy? In a world that made no sense, a family that was sooooo dysfunctional, yet this was my happiness ????? Why oh why was this ripped away from me? Why can't I just have some stability and love in my life?

So back to school I went, not knowing where she went, then we had a performance group come through school and boom there she was, and when I saw her we just hugged and cried but she then explained, " this is it Anth, I have no idea when I will see you again, I said yes to this schools performance because I at least wanted one last time to explain that this is the way it has to be".

Here is Ushers Numb again ..... I only believe in what I feel, and she felt right to me !!!!

I would see her perform on tv show and also regularly on Steve Vizard up late show. She would always sing me Annie Lennox songs and I guess that's another reason why I have such an attachment to Eurthymics.

I somehow muddle through Year 12, with mum going off the rails and my family in a mess, I just didn't seem to have my own place in the world. Still wondering, when this lesbian thing will kick in ???? Surely in an all girls school somebody has to find me attractive. Through this terrible time, I'm finding so much comfort in food, the canteen and a wage goes hand in hand. I pile on the weight, no ones watching, no ones really caring about me and this was my comfort, I also have this truly deep rooted feeling that if I am "attractive" then I might have to explore boys and, yuck, just yuck.  Being fat and unattractive and invisible sits pretty okay with me. I'll leave all that to the popular girls.

Haley is no longer at school so I have a spare seat next to me on the bus, there's a girl with short hair, her name is Danielle and she's just started back at Geelong Grammer, I'm not sure if she remembers me but we use to go horse riding together in primary school and we use to hang out together too, but then she left suddenly for Melbourne. I pray and hope that she sees the vacant seat next to me and she does. From that moment she is my friend, without Haley for the past year I am just lost, but Danielle brings this intelligence and self confidence and finally I think I have found my lesbian crush I have been looking for.

Every week end is spent with Danielle, she is a few months older than me, so she drives the car to school and we hang out together a lot more, I have ZERO confidence, to express an opinion, that's just impossible but we smoked and drank coffee together, I would watch her study, make her coffees and just love being on her farm, just another escape from my messed up family life. Dan goes to nightclubs every week end, and has perfected the hair flick,  god she looked so good when she danced. She taunts me all week after I turn 18, now am I driving you night clubbing? Oh god the thought, terrifies me, public place, I have no confidence and I am soooo overweight and there is nothing attractive about about me !!!

God somehow ......  I have no idea how she did it but I finally go out dancing, and Depeche Mode, Come On Eileen, I just can't get enough seem , to be the songs that drag me onto the dance floor because of her extreme confidence she would pick one guy out in the whole nightclub and usually hands down the most attractive guy and wham work her magic and she would be kissing them by the end of the night. I just couldn't believe the confidence one person could have. 

One night when driving home, she asks, why do you not "pick up Anth?" I reply, "Why would anyone find me attractive?  Besides if something like that happens to me, I'm already damaged goods". "What on earth do you mean?", Then I told her about my molestation, she was dumbfounded, and in a whisper she knew too because she had gone through the same thing, hence why she had to leave for Melbourne, yet it gave her false confidence and she was masking her pain in a whole different way, she choose the rebellious sexual lifestyle, I choose to hide behind food and no confidence.  Eventually I got bored with going clubbing and only watching her go off with ANOTHER new guy. So I would kiss a random guy here gosh maybe 3 in total?  But afterwards, I  would go and vomit in the toilet because I would hate it !!!!!!!  It totally discussed me !!!!! Not only was I discussed, so was she, " Anth, seriously set some goals, these guys are not attractive, you need to start wearing your glasses or buy contacts ". So I met her half way, I bought the contacts and kissed no guys.

So this lifestyle of smoking, drinking, partying, playing enormous amounts of squash, surfing and occasionally working was pretty damn fine when your 18 and legal. Dan ,would see me wear the same clothes every week end and then say," I don't think you realise how much weight you've lost", but I need to get you a make over. So we go into Myer and buy my first pair of Levi's 501's. I remember her bringing in the sizes and I say NA, I'm not a 16, "shut up and put them on", as only Dan could and they are too big on me. So a size 12 , I am, then a body suit, are you kidding me? That's putting it out there, but I guess I just have to trust her.

So I lost 25kgs and a size 12, I felt amazing but I couldn't careless about, "finding" a boyfriend. For all my junior squash years, I saw boys every week end, and competed with them and against them, I was just their team mate.

All of a sudden they wanted to take notice of me, not because I was Anthea, but because I was an "acceptable" shape, all of a sudden I WAS attractive. I felt it so immensely frustrated,  I was good enough to talk to .......... now, they offered to buy me drinks and wanted to "dance" with me at the night clubs, when once the were happy to ignore me at tournaments for years. It just blew my mind, that these same guys who over looked me for YEARS all of a sudden,  change their behaviour because I change my shape?  I'm the same person, I'm the same person on the inside, same heart, same thought process's but I was now "worthy" of THEIR attention ?

I became more confident and begin to go out with different people and not always with Danielle. I begin going out with my new school friends that I was studying childcare with , I had never been out with these girls. We went to The Eureka, which was a great bar with a dance floor. For some reason Alison, whom I was staying with saw a guy she went to school with and he tagged along with all of us girls. then this song came on .

Omg I love this song, and I dump all my stuff, purse, cigarettes on this poor guy, don't know him but yeah, boys don't dance, so he follows us around for the night, he is not over the top confident with the girls, he has nice conversations and he's interesting, and not really that interested in me, which was actually really nice, because in the body suit and enormous boobs, I seemed to attract a lot of attention.

I drove home and thought about that boy, hmmmmm.  I couldn't stop thinking about a guy that I barely knew, but he was polite, and kind and just really interesting and a bit spunky.

So the next night I did something I just never thought I could ever do, I drove back into Geelong, all by myself and I went back to the nightclub I last saw him, with the intention of seeking him out and only him out and  if I did ......  great, if I didn't , gee it was worth the attempt because for the first time I was flying solo on a thought and a feeling that I had never had before. I knew what I wanted and I was going to at least give this confidence thing ago.

I found him and I hoped I could at least read a sign that perhaps it was worth every little bit of instinct. By the end of the night, he walked me out to my car, and for the very first time it had dawned on me, that every boy I had ever kissed, I never enjoyed. I never said no , I just felt because they wanted it, I had to respond, to them because that's what I thought I had to do. ( it's strange how something that happens to you when you are seven can give you such a mental block, even when you can be so smart in other areas of you life and you are now an adult) . I thought I owed everybody everything because I felt so little for myself .

That walk to the car I stood him in the gutter, because he was tall, I looked at him and I said, " You know it's polite to ask a girl if you can kiss them ........ Do you think you,  you might have a question for me?   He asked ever so cheekily ....... May I kiss you?  And I realised he was the first boy I had ever invited and wanted in my world, it was MY CHOICE to ask, and his choice to say yes or no and it was the most beautiful and amazing friendship, that was developed in the gutter. :) and finally a physical love for a male was created with such a tenderness that I still think wow about because he changed my world once again for the better.

I am ever so fortunate to have had that honesty and openness that was ingrained in me from my dad, because it was not easy for me tell that beautiful boy that I was thinking of another boy 18 months later but I think he knew that Michael had more time with me and our paths were moving in different directions, in different towns, me living in Melbourne and he living in Ballarat.  Hardest decision but also the right decision. Nothing had happened with Michael but I was fighting a very strong attraction to Michael too !!!!

I would remain friends with him, even to a point where Michael would play basketball in Ballarat where he was living and we would have lunch together, then I would be watching Michael playing basketball and my previous boyfriend sitting next to me in the grand stand. The most bizarre situation but it just worked.

Again this honesty and trust and always having the good, right, kind intentions but that's also a testament on the type of person those two males were because they loved me, it worked?

I lost contact with the first boy I ever let kiss me .... probably, for about 15 years but we have just reconnected over the past 5 years and I enjoy our conversations, I am so glad his life has turned out so well because he sure has had his fair share of  heartache but I am so glad he is married to the most divine looking girl ...... I would expect nothing less, and he is living in his own beautiful bubble, which makes me ever so happy.

Sometimes I feel like the luckiest person to be able to still have these amazing friendships , especially the one I share with my husband.

With that one other missing love of my life ...... my actress.

When I was 23, we went through another really rough patch as a family.  My sister's ex boyfriend had stalked her and us, for years and finally attempted to kill her. I say finally because  when you are caught in this situation, there's not a great deal you can do, with court orders , unfortunately they can not do anything until they physically hurt you ...... then ....... the police will act. Well that's the position we were put in.

Finally he was sentenced for time in a facility and I even think dad paid money for him to get help. Just to put an end to it all. We were in a pub in Richmond and it was a very serious moment, I thought it was all about Simone and dad and his new partner sat me down and dad had a confession to make to me.

I just had no idea, it felt really serious what had I done wrong ? He then explained how hard he had tried to protect Simone from this creep but felt like he had failed her, yet it was a behaviour that he had repeated and he wanted to apologise to me.

He called my actress all those years ago and told her, hurt Anthea, and I will treat you like a male,  don't hurt her. I was dumbfounded !!!!!!   This kind of talk , I just cant fathom coming from his mouth. I just looked at him, you don't understand dad. I loved her, I needed her, she protected me and she loved me, she was my comfort in a time that nothing made any sense to me .......... all because I didn't know how to tell you that I was molested at 7 years of age.

So finally at 23, I tell him the most awful truth . Not that I was loved by another female, but my innocence and life changed forever over a pack of cards and alcohol for the adults.

His partner just held him as he cried and he apologised but he could have never known because I never told him but once again I am floored at this openness.  He then said, "because I knew this was so wrong, I have found her and I have paid for 4 tickets for us to go to  a performance she is doing Rochford winery, with Linda and Vikka Bull.

So we went, and I knew I had dad's partner, dad and Michael's watching my every move that day. I sat there watching her perform it was gut wrenching and beautiful after she played her set, she moved towards the back of the crowd to sign autographs.  I lined up thinking crap, crap, crap, what If she has no idea who I am?

I didn't even say hi, and she jumped up and wrapped her arms around me, "Oh Anth", she excused herself from signing and yelled, I'm taking a break .......  then she grab my hand and ran me around the back, and she just looked at me. We didn't even say much, but said everything,  it was just a moment of finally putting the pieces together. We sat there holding hands, she had met this most amazing man and was a mum, and was ever so happy. I then filled her in on Dad & Michael then took her out to meet them all.

She panicked when I said, dad was out there,  she looked worried, I said. " No , it's all good,  I know EVERYTHING !!!! Finally my puzzle pieces were together.

It was so important for me to do that, for dad, too. He needed to wish her well !!!

So yes I have lived through some really complicated stuff in my life but somehow I managed to get through them and become even stronger, I trusted my gut instincts, once I knew to listen to them.

I didn't want to be in an alone situation with the male actor because I knew his actions weren't right, that's why I needed my girlfriend - lesson learnt.

I began the most amazing friendship with her, who taught me, you can be loved in the most magical way and it was o-kay to allow that to happen. Love shouldn't have boundaries regardless of your gender.

Dan persisted with me to keep dancing and keep trying new things,  to get out of my comfort zone, get out of the size 20 jeans and wear levi's size 12. She also gave me the confidence to seek that beautiful boy out that night.  When I realised that , I had choices, to say YES to a great boy not  yes to yuck ones and that I had to take the reins of my own life. I had to perhaps make the good things happen.

Dad taught me rights with responsibility and own my own actions. He also taught me, even if you think you made all the decision in that moment it's o-kay to say, I'm sorry , I did the wrong thing.

Those boys from squash, made me see, no matter what size someone is, to look beyond the shape because there are so many other things that make people "attractive" other than a shape and a size and nothing shines more than inner beauty because that will always remain !!!!

But through all of these things,  Ive always hidden behind my weight.  That was my escape from all things real. I think this weight loss process is a WHOLE lot more than just a numbers and formula, and my no means is it that easy.

 It's about EVERYTHING else that has made you who you are and how you choose to cope with things.  I wanted to believe the fat would keep me unattractive for anyone to ever love me, I am always learning about this bigger process of weight gain, weight loss and life, even now I am challenged everyday and my weight.

I have loved 3 times in my life before my 2 boys came into my world.

I hope to teach them all I have learnt and continue to learn, and I just might tell them, the mornings mummy had breakfast with the flatmate of mum's girlfriend ........  Rachel Griffths.

You're So Vain- Carly Simons.

I often put a lot of thought into my blog before I have even published it, it can take days to get what I want onto the page, and many read throughs to see if I have nailed what I wanted to say and even then,  I see so many mistakes and grammers when I re-read them for the umptenth time, but in full content and context ,  I feel really happy with what I have shared and each time I feel a sense of  ..... Ah done.

When I look and read through them, I think is that too much information for people to be bothered reading or even caring ? I also think ...... does that even matter ? Because this blogging process has been more for myself and my own process but I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear people comment that they enjoyed it and feel they can push on, I think gosh it's worth all those hours I put into it.

So it suprises me that I am sitting here and writing again. I have no idea what song I want to put to it. I usually know what song I want but to this blog ..... hmm not sure.

So what's this blog about?

My son's itouch has been "misplaced", for quite sometime and he was thrilled that when we moved his big solid bed, there it was.

So I wacked it on the charger, last night.  I've been so thrilled he has found it because we really didn't want to replace it for his birthday which is in a couple of weeks, this wasn't the only reason, I knew that he is a keen little photographer like me and often follows me everwhere.

I've been busting to get to his photo library, I knew there were candid photos of me, daunting and exciting. I was ready to look through them.

What I found was holding my breath stuff. This is how my beautiful son saw me. He knew no different, I'm just his mum.

What I see ........   I really can't even explain, it's more this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I showed Michael and we just stared at them.

He asked what do you see, I said, "its funny I just published my blog on how happy I am  today...... then I look at these photos and I'm feeling so sad for THAT Anthea. I was so lost, tired  and I was not happy and it shows in every aspect."

I have often said that I can't comprehend the "amount" of weight, I have lost. When I look in the mirror I see that I am physically changing but the spacial difference is a hard thing to wrap my head around, when all I've ever seen is an image I CHOOSE not to see.

 A mirror and a good deep hard look in it was never a past time I CARED to invested in.  I did my hair, and brushed my teeth in a mirror and that's about it.

Now here they are ...... and here I am , through the eyes of my son.

 

 

 

Now here I am through 2 & a bit :)  rounds of 12wbt.

 

 

 

 

Wow, do you think I might enjoy the mirror a bit more and having my photo taken ? 

 

My nan use to joke with my pop, that he was the vaniest man she ever knew and would sing a song. " Your so vain", because he couldn;t walk past a mirror without looking at himself. I loose at least 5 minutes, perhaps even more, because the refection is one I am proud of and I've worked hard to achieve. I am so glad that I have kept these photos. It is who I am , it is still me but I am just totally different. So ask me right now, do I see a difference ....... HELL YEAH. Has it been worth every choice I've made !!!!!!!

 

My son still knows no difference, I'm still his beautiful mother but I do.

 

 

 

Hall of Fame- The Script.

It might be the second phone call I've had from my sister today, which seems to be a bit low, for the amount of times, she usually calls, but that's o-kay because each time I hang up I am reminded at how far we have come in 12 months ago. 12 months ago I almost didn't have her in my world.

It has to be the hardest thing,  to beg someone to live, when they really just don't want too. I stepped away from the hospital remembering the look in her eyes she was so desperate and so empty. When I asked her if the overdose was"accidental" or whether it was an honest attempt on her life?  her reply was ....... " I'm so embarrassed to be alive", I want to be dead.

I don't know whether it was pure selfishness on my behalf because I needed my sister or I just wanted her to believe in herself, but begged for her to stay with me.

 How do you to tell someone that because you love them, they need to hang on, when they don't see a damn thing worth loving in themselves, in the first place?

 I understood completely, by that stage,  I had heard her  !!!!!   I wanted to discuss the possibility of her wearing a no re-suss bracelet, just in case this exact situation came up again because I loved her,  I had to explore this as a very real option.  Painful, oh so painful, but I understood the deeper meaning of love.

Dad was holidaying and I was the only person that could make any call on her well being.  I had to make sure she accepted all the help that was offered. Such a gentle line you have to walk, the most delicate of delicate eggshells you walk across. That fear of, if I say the wrong thing, what could happen?

 It helps to listen, and to keep your ears open,  when I spoke to the counsellor at the hospital I was able to tell them EVERYTHING about her life, I didn't leave ANY details out, just in case I gave them that one piece of information that could trigger that recovery for her.  I remember her face as I was speaking, and so exhausted she whispered, "wow you care, you were listening to everything I said, you really care about me".

When the hospital released her, she had to live at dads apartment, the police had to break through her door to get to her because she was unconscious, it was an old building, they had discovered asbestos in the lining of the door, therefore she had to be evacuated and was not allowed onto the premises. 

We sat in dad's apartment, I had made her oodles of food, so she didn't have to think about going out into the public, she had all the groceries done and we had a mountain of clothes and shoes to sort through. I had arranged for Diabetes Australia to do a pick up in a couple of days and I was making her de-clutter and remove everything from her life that she had been holding onto.

With each clothing I told her what size are you? Do we only keep the clothes that fit you now ?

With each piece of clothing, I pulled out , I asked keep or toss?  If she said keep, I asked why?  See ..... I had no emotional attachment to these clothes, so it was easy for me to be brutal. She sat in the middle of the room her left shoulder was toss, the right of her shoulder was to keep. If she even hesitated and paused to "think" of the reason or the excuse why she needed it  ........  I tossed it.

If it was a quick explanation and she didn't need to think about it, I opted to keep it.

I had a re-think pile too - a come back to , a little bit too hard and we will think about it.

It was such a huge process because I could see a weight was being lifted. We cleared out 9 garbage bags. She was a hoarder and was still holding onto things that she had as a teenager, it was time to let it all go.

The only normal thing at that time was coming home to Michael and the boys. He was so amazing he didn't once question me for my time, we needed to move Simone into a new apartment so he did it, he put together book cases, moved boxes, drove from one end of Richmond to another and he just treated her with so much love and respect, he never judged her, he never said an ill word of her, he just loved her because she is family.

Like clock work I knew when rock bottom was coming from Simone, ( we had so many downs in a space of 3 months)  she was so consistent with her behaviour, like being stuck on a roller coaster I was riding that daily but I could never seem to get off. I could encourage the support of the C.A.T team, working with psychologists, her doctors, her counsellor, but the one thing I was silently begging for her to get under control was alcohol.  I can't help but think, the root of most of this evil was the binge drinking, and that was a huge factor but I also understood this was also learnt behaviour from both our mother and to a certain extent my father.

I consider myself a non drinker, if I have one , it would be perhaps 1 drink every 2 years, and I literally mean 1 drink. It's all too hard of a concept for me ....... yet my, "silent"  addiction was eating.

With alcohol, it's mind altering, it alters your behaviour, your decision making but it can also affect others in the cross fire of any of those altered states you may have , sometimes that was me ..........    a sober me, in the line of fire !!!!

My poison was my food, was I hurting anyone else? NA , it was only me, I was only ever hurting myself   ........ I was telling myself I was totally fine, I was happy, I was happy being a mum and I was just plain happy solving everyone elses problems and upholding the role. Funny how it was as clear as mud what MY happiness was 12 months ago, I was just going through the motions too, same as Simone but just on a different level. I just happened to be looking after everyone else but myself.

Oh and was food hurting anyone else besides myself?  ........ um ...... yeah  ....... my family. They were missing out on a lot because I wasn't available to them, I was tired, everything seemed too hard and I just couldn't be bothered. I was exhausted physically and emotionally.

It got to the point where I just kept taking the phone calls and messages from Simone, each time I knew she was alcohol affected but I just couldn't tell her you have a problem, I kept relating it to myself. How would I feel if each time I ate food, someone told me your fat because you only have yourself to blame. It's an awful thing to think. I was too sensitive nor was it anybody elses business what I did with my own private life , I was "happy" ( in denial)   ............ In my opinion I could not over step the line too much because then I would be forced to have a look at my backyard,  I wasn't too keen on that, I was putting on a really good face besides ........ everyone was counting on me.

So I had made the decision to join 12wbt, I needed to regain control, and having a good hard look at myself in that before photo, was so vital because that's exactly what I needed Simone to do but I also realised as hard as that was, that was MY process, not anybody elses, that kind of clarity can not be told, or demanded from anyone else........  that's something you need to go through for YOURSELF and not only that you need to see it and feel it too.

I stepped away and I exercised and I forgot to think about Simone after she slammed the phone in my ear and accused me of not caring for her and putting my family first, and she wished she could swap places with Jenny. I thought that was the cruelest thing to say.  What an insult on every level   !!!!!    I realised she was sick but I couldn't argue or fight with her any more.  I thought, what will be will be but I am on my own path, I'm not sure what 12wbt will bring me but god isn't it worth a try?  I need to just space myself from everyone and everything there was nothing more important, than me.

Those months flew and I have next to zero contact with Simone, I actually don't miss her either because I am assuming she is finding her own feet,  she will call me when she needs me, my birthday comes and goes in the October, I hear and see nothing of her, and for once I actually don't even worry.

It's not until just before Christmas,  that we are finally o-kay, and she is busting to see me. We have a really nice Christmas,  she is still really tense, the medication is better, she is moving like a zombie in slow motion but she is almost attempting a conversation, which sounds like madness but when you go through what we had been through ..... It's an improvement.

When she sees me , she bursts into tears, " I can't believe you've done it, you look completely amazing".

Sometimes actions do speak louder than words and I had to trust that I had done enough for her to see that, food was an enormous challenge for me, it was my addiction, it was my emotional puller, it was always my plan  A, B & C, it was my only option and for a longest time that's who I always thought I was ever going to be.

It was time to fix me and make me stronger too, but if that meant that she could also draw strength from me, then it was a win, win.

I remember walking away from Christmas begging to the higher powers, please let that be enough for her to realise that she's done a lot of hard work, that we've been through the worst. I feel really wonderful, please .....  please let 2013 be her year because 2012 has certainly been my year of rediscovery.

Well since Christmas she has began working and taking on her role at work, she is managing and partaking in everything, she is becoming this opinionated, thought provoking person, who is now goal setting, she is discovering herself again yet, it's still one step at a time. The most pleasing thing is she, all by herself as admitted that alcohol is an evil for her and is now in AA but that she came to all by herself and I couldn't be more prouder.

She does not "need" me anymore and it's the greatest feeling that I had to blindly let go, ( with my mind wide open) but it was a risk worth taking.

What if ....... what if  she could do it all by herself ? Once again this was ANOTHER USHER NUMB - YOU NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU LET GO. Not only for her, but also for me. I had been "mothering" her for a very long time !!!!

What fascinates me about this whole 12wbt process, and I'm not sure if it's THIS program, but it's everything that goes with it that has made me trust and believe in myself in a whole new way.

A few weeks ago, I was unable to participate in my regular aqua class. That instructor is a maniac, I call it my Manic Monday, aqua then Cxworks, it's my guaranteed 600 calories and I LIVE for Monday's ( as well as my SSS).

When I was turned away, I was furious that I could be dismissed and my loyalty meant , well..... not a great deal that night ( of course the sensible Anthea does realise it's a business decision and that's just the way it is)  I went through the emotions of, well I can go back to cx and still see "the nice instructor", I can go home via the restaurant and go and buy cake and have my own pity party and believe that it was a complete personal attack on ME,  ( poor victim Anthea)  or I could go home and walk/run until I hit 400 calories, because I know that's how much I would get out of the class. So I came home and I went for a run.

My run is a walk with intervals, run for 30 seconds then heart rate to 140 then walk it down to 120, then run again for 30 seconds, this night was hot, it was 32 degrees & my heart rate was high to begin with, whether that was because I was pumped, not sure.  So I decided to just get out and bloody do it. I ran for 60 seconds on, heart rate at 170 then dropped it to 145, and ran again for 60 seconds. I ended up burning 550 calories in 45 minutes, INSANE but I just needed to do it.

When I was warming down I had come to the biggest breakthrough and ended up thanking the centre of this gift of clarity ............. I no longer needed the "safety net" of the aqua classes, it had served me well and not only gave me my healthy outlook and desire, it also gave me a good friend in Nina, but I could do this on my own, actually, I've been  making amazing decisions on my own for awhile now, and I really trust that this is who I am, I don't hold onto any fears anymore. The FEAR OF BEING FAT IS NO MORE.

I don't fear rejection anymore, what if I can't get to my class ? HEY I NEED A PLAN A, B & C ......... that's going to work for me !!!!!!!

The next day I walked into my gym assessment that was pre-booked, with Jamie.  Jamie has had me from the start (3 years)  and I just wanted to really show off , how well I've been been going but Jamie was not in, so I had to see Paul, who is the new gym manager. This was my first time I met Paul.

He asks me, do I mind if it's him who does the assessment. I looked at him like he was completely bonkers, of course I don't care, I just want a good workout. Now it's not his reaction that surprises me, it's my own, I actually don't care about who thinks what of my body, I want it to become stronger and leaner and I want to explore and push myself to a brand new level. OMG, I can't believe that 6 months ago I had no idea how to scan the bar code to get into the gym, I didn't know how to use a locker, and what if everyone looked at me BECAUSE OF THIS BIG OBESE BODY  ????????     I just don't care to give it a thought anymore, I just want to get in there and do it.

So I sit down with Paul . He asks me what is it that I was looking for. I explain that I have lost 37kgs since last year and just looking for "something new"  because I have had a Dexa Scan done and this is now my new focus.

He is most interested in what information the Dexa Scan gives and we look through the information. He asks me, to write down what my week looked like in that first 12 weeks, so I did and he looked at me and said, " You are a freak, if that's how much effort you've put in, no wonder you have got the results but we are flipping it on his head and pushing your body to a whole new level".

This is exciting to me, here I have an enthusiastic person, who wants to develop and change my whole outlook in a whole new direction. I now discover that this is refreshing, and exactly what I was looking for.

  
                                                     
                              I am doing squats on bosu, yes I can and I love it.

                                              

 

 



                                 Ab crunches on a fit ball, yes I can and I love it too.



I am still doing my aqua classes, but I don't rely on them, I don't "need" them to push me, it's not the only thing I can do because that's all my body allows me to do. I can ask my body to do new things, and it's the most exciting thing.

I was asked was my PT, sexy?    I had to think  ........ clearly very fit, but I have to answer, yes ......... he is gorgeous because he is passionate and enthusiastic and excited about pushing me and my body for results on that Dexa Scan, anyone who is passionate about what they do ........ that is sexy !!!!!


So today when I hang up the phone for the first time in almost 12 months I actually forget about , "whatever" it was Simone wanted to discuss because I know we weathered the all bloody hurricane that was ripping through our lives and today I step on the scales that was my own personal hurricane  and I actually don't really care what the number of weight I have lost or haven't lost because I am finally really happy and content.

When I began my 12wbt my goal was 85kgs from 120kgs, I sit 2kgs away from that goal. I'm not "stopping", I'm just not pushing for THOSE numbers anymore, within a "time limit" .  I eventually want to get to 69 because that's my Dexa Scan measured goal weight but I also want to be made up of leaner muscle mass too but I'm just not rushing through "the weeks" to get there because I see my longer term goal, which is manageable and the LIFEstyle ahead of me, that's very achievable and within arms reach.

I am feeling fitter, stronger and healthier but more importantly I am just living and loving my life and I'm excited about my life, something 12 months ago seemed like an impossible dream for me & for my sister.

I think Simone's going to be o-kay, actually for the first time I honestly  believe, she has found herself again   ............. and I know I'm really thriving and striving, and I feel very content and for once I can say I'm really  happy to be me, I just hope she feels the same way too ........... You can find your way to your own .......... Hall Of Fame.

"Hall Of Fame"(feat. Will.I.Am)

Yeah, you can be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the King Kong banging on your chest

You could beat the world
You could beat the war
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

You can throw your hands up
You can beat the clock (yeah)
You can move a mountain
You can break rocks
You can be a master
Don't wait for luck
Dedicate yourself and you gon' find yourself

Standing in the hall of fame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

You can go the distance
You can run the mile
You can walk straight through hell with a smile

You could be the hero
You could get the gold
Breaking all the records they thought never could be broke

Yeah, do it for your people
Do it for your pride
How you ever gonna know if you never even try?

Do it for your country
Do it for your name
'Cause there's gonna be a day...

When you're standing in the hall of fame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

Be a champion, be a champion, be a champion, be a champion
On the walls of the hall of fame

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers
(Yeah)

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions
Be truth seekers

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions

Standing in the hall of fame (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah, yeah, yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

(You can be a champion)
You could be the greatest
(You can be a champion)
You can be the best
(You can be a champion)
You can be the king kong banging on your chest

(You can be a champion)
You could beat the world
(You can be a champion)
You could beat the war
(You can be a champion)
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

(You can be a champion)
You can throw your hands up
(You can be a champion)
You can beat the clock
(You can be a champion)
You can move a mountain
(You can be a champion)
You can break rocks

(You can be a champion)
You can be a master
(You can be a champion)
Don't wait for luck
(You can be a champion)
Dedicate yourself and you gon' find yourself
(You can be a champion)

Standing in the hall of fame

Alicia Keys- Brand New Me

I was flicking through all my cards in my wallet, banking cards, license, medicare, this shop, that shop's loyalty card,  in my head I was thinking, god why do I say yes to all this, so they can bombard me with emails?  Next card, ....  next, card, Where's that damn card I want in the first place?   Then I saw it, the card that would make me stop everything my thoughts ....... my working with children's card.

I remember that day, I was in such a flurry because I really wanted the paperwork done.  I was desperate to help out at school, but needed "clearance" first. My background check of course would be perfect, but I didn't want to get a photo taken, that photo, that image of me was far from perfect !!!!  I sure didn't like what I saw in the mirror, why would I want to have that image forever?

Well I had too, my child was more important to me, if I was to be there for important excursions, then I just had to stand there , this is me, I suppose. I wasn't to smile and that was fine, I didn't feel like smiling anyway, I felt nothing but revolting !!!

 I am naturally getting a lot of compliments,  37 kilos is a lot of weight to loose in a year. I am very measured in what my response is. Especially who it is too. I've watched people's reaction to me, some people want to discuss it, some people don't know how to approach the topic. I am very mindful of people who are over 100 kgs and what their response might be, yes I'm an over thinker when it comes to the way other people may feel. I'm not going to preach at them. Weight loss is a very personal and emotional process, we all have different reasons for loosing the weight, but our wants and desires are the same,  basically just to live a healthy, comfortable and functioning lifestyle and it's a change FOR LIFE, that's what I want anyway.

When I began loosing the weight, one mother walked home with me after school drop off and fired all the questions at me, as I answered her, I could see the expression on her face, hmmmmmm.  She said to me, " I just don't think I could do it", I said, " Yes .......but have you even tried? .....  What if you just could? Isn't it worth at least exploring if  the pay off is feeling so amazing?"

So it was no surprise to me that the next day I saw her out running around the block. I tooted & woof whistled at her. The smile on her red face was priceless. I thought, YES, that's what I'm talking about !!!!!   JFDI .  At the end of the school year I saw her husband. I said, " I saw your wife out running a few times now", and his reply was, " I think you set a fire in her, after your talk she said, I'm just going to try".  I've watched her, and I just feel so proud of her, she has changed, she has lost 15 kilos since December, and supports a brand new "modern" hairstyle. She has done all the hard work but I can't help but feel super proud for her.

I'm also really proud of my blogging and my sharing, I share mostly with my D30 group and a handful of friends in my "real" world. This week I was able to sit down with my beautiful girlfriend Clare, it seems such a lot has changed in our parallel worlds and the time just melts away, between visits.  But when I can sit on a couch and just listen and talk , I feel like I have found exactly where I need to be, in that moment in time. I've changed so much in 6 months, but Clare and I remain the same.

6 months ago I was 120kgs, my best friend was dying of cancer and my sister was questioning everyday whether she wanted to live in this world and I was lost, and I was SOOOO  tired,  I was tired of everything that was beyond my control, being OUT OF CONTROL.  So I took back all the things I could have control over, my food, my exercise and my attitude.

So I open right up to her about my blogging and I read her my " mothers group" blog, Respect Yourself.  I would never have had the clarity to articulate what my emotions were , face to face but through blogging I am able to express to her my entire thinking.

For those 8 years Clare had no idea the full extent of my unhappiness, and in one blog, I am able to share the real me. We cry, but I feel like a weight has been lifted because I can now just be a friend to her, I don't care for any one of those mothers,  any more ....... only her.

I am surrounded by so many people who give me so much than they will ever realise and for that I feel so blessed, to be living in my world right now .

I am a people watcher, I love people responding to me, I guess I just like a happy world. My school community is a wonderful environment. None of those mothers have ever made me feel worthless,  truth was, I was doing a pretty good job of that by myself, because of this wonderful environment , I needed that working with children's card, to be apart of this community.

They see the changes in me and tell me often but those who love me regardless are also quick to tell me, they love me no matter what size I am.

So as I sit in McDonalds  (at a children's party) yesterday.  YES it still blows my mind that I can sit there and it's just a building, no longer the place I NEED to have a Big Mac. I sit with those lovely mums. It's funny how when they ask what I did for morning, I don't tell them I've spent 3 hours exercising, I just say great morning, people don't need to hear about it all the time. Yet they want to apologise for eating McDonald's. It just goes over my head, if they enjoy themselves, that's got nothing to do with me. Odd place to be, they owe me no explanation, I am doing this for me. I don't expect anything from anyone, this 12wbt is about me and me only.

I then smile at these gorgeous women, who have said, " We never saw you as big, Anthea, you're just Anthea but clearly you are happier. I needed to share with them my photo, that I found on my working with children's photo.

As I passed it around, one mum actually gasped and just said, "Wholly hell Anth, that's friggin  unbelievable". I never, ever saw it, there's no way I can even remember you like that. CRAP. Totally different person and I thought, yep I don't even know that person in the laminated card.

So thinking yesterday about those mothers and my morning with Clare, I drove home thinking now 12wbt is giving  a "new body ", but I am finding a whole brand new me.

BRAND NEW ME- Alicia Keys.

It's been awhile,
I'm not who I was before
You look surprised,
your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you,
but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new kinda of me
Can't be bad,
I found a brand new kinda of free

Careful with your ego,
he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God know something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need, why you mad?
It's just the brand new kind of me
Never bad, I found a brand new kinda of free

It took a long , long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised
Don't be surprised

If I walk a little taller,
if I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller I been under you too long
If you notice that I'm different, don't take it personally
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new kind of me
Never bad,
I found a brand new kinda of free

It took a long, long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised oooh, see you look surprised
If you were a friend you wanna get to know me again
If your were worth a while you would be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry, I'm too busy trying to find myself
I've got this, I've found me I've found me yeah

I don't need your opinion, I'm not waiting for your okay
I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave
Now my heart is open, and I can finally breathe
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new kinda free
That ain't bad,
it's just a brand new kinda of me
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new time for me
Songwriter(s): Noah Shebib
Copyright: Roncesvalles Music Publishing

Better Than - The John Butler Trio

I heard my girlfriend say to me, the other day " You know, I think I might be able to find the time to exercise, if only , I wasn't so busy ...........  I just think,  I like my life this way because MAKING OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY .........MAKES ME HAPPY.

It was like I was having an outer body experience, I was observing but rewinding to 5 months ago. This was me, that was my standard line ......  Making other people makes me happy.

I still love being spontaneous and the reaction of people feeling amazing if I have made them happy, but there is a completely different pay off and it doesn't cost me anything ..... anymore.

For the longest time I was forever trying to please people, to do the right thing, to say the right thing, even if I was so super tired from not sleeping the night before, I would be the good friend, the good helper, but I was so empty. I was running on empty all the time, I never knew how to say to myself, stop and recover and only take on what you can because you are just as important.

In my first round, I powered through, my weeks, I had too.  I actually was in survival mode but when the round was coming to a grinding end, I just wanted to push myself that little bit extra to hit 25kgs, oh the pressure I put on myself.

When I saw that loss on the last Wednesday, I could have just dropped on the floor like they did in, " The time warp", from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I made it.  Had I done enough for Top 20?  I certainly surpassed any expectations I might have had, I actually just wanted to loose 5-10 kilos, but I just felt empty again.

I didn't celebrate me at all, I actually just cried. I've never had such mixed emotions, I was so enormously proud of my commitment to myself and my strength, yet I missed Jenny.
 
Because I went so hard, for such a long time, I thought I would give myself a couple of days off between rounds and "live/ relax". I did no exercise (for 4 days) and had one meal out.

That was OMG, to me, I was living on the edge, I dare not have a soft drink though, that's just too far out of the comfort zone I had now created.

So it's no surprise now when I look back at my first round that I did not start well. It's not that I did anything wrong, I just didn't do everything right.

So when this round was coming to an end, I put NO weight requirement on myself, I set my other non-weight goals, and ticked all of them off, and when I got my 15% email & finished off my blog, I thought. I'M DONE. I'm looking after me in a whole different way.

For a week and a bit, I caught up with girlfriends, I went out for meals, I was on a weeks holiday from work, to settle my preppie into his first year of school and I am just removing myself from 12wbt. It was planned but I just needed to back off.

I certainly didn't go out and eat pizza and soft drink and ice-cream ...... everyday :)

My biggest splurge was a bowl of mixed sorbets & I ate chocolate before I went to bed.

Let me tell you before I ate those chocolate bars before bed, I felt like I was punishing myself. Like nan forcing me to eat brussel sprouts, when I knew it was the last thing on earth I wanted to do, but I knew why I was doing it. I did NO exercise ( for 7 days)  and I felt sooooooo awful, it was planned, I completely knew that's what I wanted to feel. Controlled awfulness.

This was the way I choose to lead my life for so many years, I never knew what a calorie was, little more than burn a calorie?  I ate before bed and never had a good nights sleep. That's where I wanted to push myself, I want to push myself back to feeling revolting.

I went shopping and I could not concentrate on anything, I was sluggish, I couldn't hold a conversation, absolutely had no concentration. All I wanted to do was go to bed and stay there. My body was just rebelling. I needed to feel this way, I needed to remember all the emotional feelings I had with not respecting myself. I even wore my big clothes, and my old undies. Terrible, I felt terrible.

It was a hard week when blood tests from my son had come back that he needed further testing to see if he was diabetic, so in & out of hospital I would go too.  

As well as planning this, I planned my FULL medical check-up. Perfect timing to remember because it's in between rounds. The nurse and doctor were amazed at my progress and they also made up treatment plan for my 12 weeks.

I asked for my birth control ( IUD)  change over, for my bloods to be taken and to have my breasts checked. Just like that car, I am in empty and I was pulling in for a full service.

The doctor cleared my right breast,  that was painful  one that I was worried about but she found a lump in my left breast, which is completely amazing because I can't feel it. Looks like in this week, I am to have 2 hospital visits, 2 ultrasounds and a mammogram.  All of these were add ons, to a week that was suppose to be unplanned.

What I was most looking forward to was the Dexa Scan , which I had booked in November, for the end of the round ( February).

Michelle Bridges had recommended getting one and I thought, I would love that, as its a totally new measurement, other than kilos and cm's and something to base this new round on. Come and hit it from a different angle and a whole new measurement for me, to combine with the full medical from the doctor too.

It took about 5 minutes for the scan to move over my body. I just lay there still, as he explained what the scan was introduced for, it began as a bone density measuring tool for mainly to  detect osteoporosis in the bones, but is used a lot in the fitness industry now, especially body builders and athletes.

When I hoped off he then explained area's of information that the scan revealed. It was totally mind blowing. I was only wishing that I had seen him in August. He was just amazed at my weight loss, but when he went through my body make-up, it become really clear why my body had reacted the way it had, to the program.

The beauty is that the scan weighs every part of your body, what your fat mass is, what are the leaner parts of your body and where your muscles lay.

It tells me to the exact kilos and target weight I should be aiming for and based on all my own personal body make up, how many calories I should use in a day to burn fat from my body and my exact calorie intake, to maintain that weight. Which was exactly what I was after. How do I make it,  that this is ME for the rest of my life?  With this type of scientific information I know exactly what makes me tick. I will under go this process another 2 times to compare changes in my make-up.

So for now, it's still about stripping off the fat layers which is all the yellow/ orange layers, then to turn what's remaining into shades of pink and purple. So for the moment it is about still calories in and calories out. The rest is my longer term goals but this gives me higher goals to aim for and just a brand new measurements.

                                      What a leaner, fat reduced body looks like



So yes I have had an enormous 2 weeks of internal and external testings. Taj was cleared of juvenile diabetes, my birth control is in, awaiting results from the breast scans, and surprisingly my blood pressure is spot on.

I can't help but wonder, how much 12wbt has played in all this?   If it wasn't between rounds, would I have insisted on having all of these tests & measurements done?

Would she have felt my lump if I had all that extra layer of fat there?

Would I still have my IUD in,  it really should have been taken out 5 year ago, but I was "too busy".

Why did I leave all these things? I suspect because I was telling myself that my happiness was making other people happy but re-doing everything wrong for that week and a bit, only proved to me how bloody important I am, and my OWN happiness should be just as important  !!!!! Bigger picture, my own HEALTH IS PARAMOUNT !!!!!

I am thinking through my passed 2 weeks I am still tired, I've had a range thoughts but I just don't entertain any negatives and what if's?  Until we know what we are dealing with. 

What's the point?   Just sit back and relax & don't look back on life and only see tragic.  ( Better Than) .   I now prefer to set those goals for life and I will achieve them !!!!!





"Better Than"

All you want is
What you can't have
And if you just look around man
You see you got magic
So just sit back relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life man and only see tragic

Because you could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better

All the time while you're looking away
There are things you can do man
There's things you can say
To the the ones you're with
With whom you're spending your today
Get your gaze off tomorrow
And let come what may

Because you could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better

All I know is sometimes things can be hard
But you should know by now
They come and they go
So why, oh why
Do I look to the other side
'Cause I know the grass is greener but
Just as hard to mow

Life's not about what's better than.

All you want is
What you can't have
And if you just look around man
You see you got magic
So just sit back relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life man and only see tragic

Because
You could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than

 

Queen. It's a kind of magic

I heard the other day, that it was over 20 years ago, that the world was in complete shock that one of  " The superstars", of the game of basketball, Magic Johnson, had declared his sudden announcement he was retiring because he had contracted, HIV.

Which got me thinking about my next blog, do I ......  don't I ?   I wasn't going to but it does help my thought process and people respond to my blogging ..... and that I love.

So I am thinking about this song choice, for this blog ?  Yes I have to have at least one Freddie. I had such an obsession with the different performers, Elton John, David Bowie, Prince, Freddie Mercury.

 Why?  Because they dared to be different. They didn't care what people thought of them .... perhaps they did, but to the world, they dared to be proud & original. I completely admired their fearlessness, as a young person, discovering the world, I had no idea who I wanted to be, but I knew I liked strong people.

At the time of all the HIV hysteria, I was still very young, all I really knew about HIV, was very little and that scary, scary advertising campaign of the grim reaper, bowling the bowling ball down the alley. 

How much little information we knew, yet it was an awful time. Around about this time I would watch over and over again, my very black, deaf, homosexual uncle who battled to remain sober, be beaten many times because he choose a different lifestyle.

Fighting for his life in hospital. just became the norm. I really couldn't understand any of it. He was my beautiful, beautiful uncle, how could people be so ugly?  So what if he loved another man? I just didn't get it. I guess I feel very fortunate to have actually lived that because it did teach me unconditional love.

He was actually very intelligent but being Aboriginal he never really had much opportunity to excel at anything, he didn't trust his ability.

Does that sound a bit familiar?  He could be the biggest supporter & cheerleader to everybody else, yet never saw his own ability and what could be possible for himself.  Hmmmmm ??????

He was always one of my biggest supporters and really encouraged me to come up to Melbourne to study a Year 12 equivalent at Monash University. During my High school Year 12, my mum decided to go AWOL and is it no wonder I failed miserably.

I would live with him at my grandma's house. every morning we would sit there beaming and discussing our day ahead. He was the student co-ordinator & I was one of his students.  One morning he woke up and he was most odd, I couldn't put my finger on it, I asked but he said, " I want to tell you something, but not yet", "O-kay, when you're ready , I will be here", was my reply . I waited a few more days, that odd hesitant look  ...... but nothing. I waited.......Until it came out, from nowhere.

" Anth, will you still love me if I tell you something?". " Roderick, of course I will, I've loved you all my life."  ........ " I need you to know I have HIV".

I can't remember anything but getting up from my chair and wrapping my arms around him and bursting into tear, my tears were because he trusted me, what a secret, but he trusted me, and I needed him to know, I would still have physical contact with him, the disease he carried but he was not the disease !!!!!

I would carry that around with me, and to tell you the truth, I actually forgot, it wasn't even important to me, he was just my Uncle.

At the beginning of the (Uni) school year. I would tart myself up because the "office boy", was rather delicious. I would put contacts in my eyes, which would always look red raw by the end of the day, I would wear make up which gave me panda eyes  all to impress this boy. The office boy was so shy, that I doubt he ever popped his head up to notice.

Then the office boy had to take us for a tour of the campus. Oh wow, here is my one and only opportunity to get him to notice me, so I thought all morning, make sure you say something that makes you outstanding to him. So I approach him, thinking, intelligent, sophisticated, amazing, that's what you need to be. As I open my mouth to ask him the question, all that came out of my mouth was ........ Can I take an apple with me ???????  Ha, WHAT  ????????  I just turned my back and begged the world to open up swallow me. I had that moment to shine, to weave my own type of magic but epic FAIL !!!!!!

Roderick and I laughed, and laughed all the way home. What a fool I was, meticulous planning and that's what it all amounts to was a question about an apple.

I went through and made great friendships with the staff and when I needed help, I asked for it. I studied, Law, Biology, English, History. To achieve your pass mark you had to pass everything by 75%  to get your Year 12 and acceptance into Uni. I had never applied myself with my education and being so far away from home was perfect, because it was all about me, I was so proud of myself. I managed to still hold my week-end job running the deli department in Ocean Grove and study all at 21.

I received really great marks and was accepted into an Arts degree, I went to a few classes but thought, great topics, history, sociology & anthropology, but what to I do at the end of it? I would then try hospitality as well and pass that, but I eventually become a Deli Manager, something I was always good at, and at the end of the day I LOVED it.

I haven't stopped to count the years that have passed but 20 sounds like a hell of a lot, since that Magic Johnson press conference. I got married, had two beautiful boys and I would watch Roderick overcome his alcohol addiction and become one of the first recipients of a cholera ear implant, which would CHANGE his world FOREVER, and my god, he soared and painted the sky with rainbows with his new found freedom and confidence.

It was a massive shock when Roderick died on December 13th , 4 years ago, it wasn't the HIV, it was a heart attack, he was healthy, he was living and skipping through life. It would be at his funeral that I would address my entire family. I was unhappy that he was not being honoured for his achievements, yes he liked to party and had a drink too many but that's the way they knew him, I KNEW him. He was MORE than that.

As I addressed them, I thanked him for, for believing in me and for teaching me all about unconditional love. He saw the magic in me,  he gave me the opportunity that he never had as a teenager in the form of my education, sure I was given the tools but I did all the hard work.

That's what this 12Wbt is all about. There is no magic pill, no magic wand that you wave around and say, am I there yet?  It's hard work and it's about remaining true to yourself, no matter what life throws your way !!!!!  You may not know your potential ..... yet.

Dare to be different, be your own Freddie, Bowie, Elton John, Prince. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN KIND OF MAGIC !!!!!  Believe in yourself !!!!!!


The last thing I thanked Roderick for in front of his grave was the chance to take that apple ........... because that apple gave me that "office boy"  ....  Michael ......  & my two beautiful boys ......... who love me unconditionally. 



IT'S A KIND OF MAGIC

It's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic
A kind of magic - no way

One dream, one soul, one prize
One goal, one golden glance of what should be
It's a kind of magic

One shaft of light that shows the way
No mortal man can win this day
It's a kind of magic
The bell that rings inside your mind
Is challenging the doors of time
It's a kind of magic

The waiting seems eternity
The day will dawn of sanity
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Is this a kind of magic?
It's a kind of magic
There can be only one
This rage that lasts a thousand years
Will soon be done

This flame that burns inside of me
( From: http://www.elyrics.net )
I'm hearing secret harmonies
It's a kind of magic
The bell that rings inside your mind
Is challenging the doors of time

It's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic

This rage that lasts a thousand years
Will soon be, will soon be, will soon be done
This is (this is) a kind (a kind) of magic (yeah)
There can be only one one one one
This rage that lasts a thousand years
Will soon be done - done

Magic - it's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic
Magic magic magic (magic)
Ha ha ha haa - it's magic
Ha haa
Yeah yeah
Wooh
It's a kind of magic