Everyone's Waiting & The Two of Us ....... Missy Higgins

EVERYONE'S WAITNG

 

                                           " I know all the lines to say
                                           The part I’m expected to play
                                     But in the reflection I am worlds away."
                                                   "Missy Higgins"

How can I be fooling everybody that I was o-kay? I had been doing it for so long, was this how I was suppose to be?  Please listen to your heart Anth, please listen to your heart. Why are you doing everything for everyone else. Where am I ?
                               Breathe, exhale,   it won't be long   ......................

So where do I start ?  

I start "pre-season" at around the 2 weeks before it goes live, I figured, it can't be too hard, I'm a bit of a pro at this weight loss business, god knows I've spent many dollars trying to get there, what makes this so different anyway? Just give me those menu's, shopping list and exercise plan and see whether I think I can do it.

O-kay, pre-season stuff, I click through them, can probably miss that little task thingy, I see the heading, I think I know what that's all about. I've come into pre-season ever so late, so I'll get back to that and fill it in later. Don't they just want weight and measurements to compare? Nut's and bolts, isn't it about in 12 weeks, you have a "BODY TRANSFORMATION" ? That's the most important thing to look good right, so people stop judging you by your weight?

Then I realise hmmmmmmm.  I've never seen a weight loss program through EVER, perhaps it was time to start and finish and let every process speak for themselves.

So I allocate a good 45 minutes in the day to do the pre-season tasks because this is important. I put my head phones in without any distraction from my 2 boys because if that's what I had to do, to not missing anything, then that's what I had to do. Clearly she knows what she's doing because I watch The Biggest Loser every year, and I understand she must know a few things or two , I've seen the tv show.

"Getting Real" Task

I put the headphones on and listen, god 19 mins this goes for, do I really have 19 minutes?

I have housework to do, I have dinner to prepare, what if the boys need me? So I whip through it, and once again I'll get back to that writing it down later. So yes I go straight back to what I know how to do, that role I play, get those dinners, getting everyone settled for bed then go to work.

It's at work I can't help but think of Jenny. She's just not coming at 9pm, She's sick, she's soooooo sick, but she's still smiling and she's still texting, so she's going to be o-kay. At work I just have too many "thoughts".

When Jenny was first diagnosed with lung cancer, I would set my alarm clock, same time everyday to remind myself to text her, no matter how busy I was, I was sending her my love it was a simple love heart but she knew it was always coming.

We work for Woolworths and around about this time the company commits to a jingle, " Monday, Tuesday,Wednesday, Thursday, Friday , Saturday I love you". Once again another song that comes with meaning.

Why can I hum this song, and have soft teardrops for my girlfriend, yet I can not seem to give myself the time to truly love myself ?  I am reminded every time the song comes on at work, these 2 things.

So I go home at midnight. Now finishing at midnight, I would go home armed with shopping bags, filled with groceries ( which would cost me a fortune in one hit $30-60 a night) for tomorrows meals, and usually snack foods to eat while catching up with the ever so important tv shows that I had missed out on, chips, nachos, ice-creams, dips, salami, was never too fussed as long as I ate because that's what I do when I'm alone. I don't go home to watch the taped tv shows, I now have that 19 minutes of QUIET ALONE time to watch those snippets. The things in the videos that just resonates with me are

1)  What are your excuses that you've been telling yourself, that everybody else around you are believing
2) Are you busier than a prime minister
3)  She can't not exercise, it's like not having a shower ( clearly she's insane, and that's her "job" anyway)

But it's the spinning the BS that everyone around you believe it and you've convinced yourself that it can't be done that just seems to stick.

I then happen to find another hour, another 3 times in those couple of days.  I watch those clips because I see her talking directly to me, yes it's into the camera, but just like Mister Cellophane, I get it.

I know taking a before photo is coming, I see many people posting their photos, but I can't do that, why would I want to share that with anyone else, hell I don't even look at myself in the bathroom mirror , perhaps to brush my teeth but anything else, na !!!! The bathroom mirror is the length of shoulder to top of the head, that's enough of me every day, be damned if I stop to look into a full length mirror YUCK !!!!!

So quietly I process theses pre-seasons tasks, I don't share any of it with my husband, it's become a time where I am silent. I am thinking I am processing, my excuses, god, I have them all.

• My body hurts, my knees are so damaged that walking anywhere with distance is hard,and stairs, I don't do stair, if there's a lift, I'll use it !!!!
• I have arthritis in those knees so they will hurt anyway.
• I work nights so I'm tired. I need to sleep to catch up with the sleep I don't have during the night. I can't exercise.
• I like being apart of the school community and I love volunteering my time. They "need' me
• My husband and kids love me anyway, does it matter what anybody else thinks?
• I can't exercise in the rain, it's wet and cold, and heat ???? So I don't do the heat either.
• I have Poly cystic ovaries syndrome (PCOS) my body is not designed to be processing ,I don't think there's too much I can do about this.
• I've been pre-diabetic for so long that it's just going to get me.
• I have never really been completely committed to anything other than my husband and boys, don't think I can do this.
• and then there's Jenny and my sister, god I have so much on, can I really become selfish, can I really afford time for myself ?

SAYING IT OUT-LOUD - PRE-SEASON TASK.

Just like I am sitting here writing this blog, I know what's running through my head but god , am I really brave enough to share it with everyone? 

But my first commitment was to do everything I am asked if this was going to work,

So I type this : I was going to keep this as a secret, I have joined Michelle Bridges 12 week programme, but apart of my prestart is to be honest and put it out there. (I am not strong enough to give you my number of kilo's I carry, that's clear enough that I carry excess, upon excess & god knows I feel that every night before I go to bed) I am a yoyo dieter, my problem is that I loose perhaps 7 kilos, then stop and put on another 10 kilos. I am unhappy that my body shape does not match the inner beauty I feel. I have to take before & after photos of myself in my underwear, so I bought some nice lingerie, I have never felt so low as I did, taking a good hard REAL look at myself, it was confronting, and I stood in the lingerie shop with tears rolling down my face because it was the realisation that this is who I am physically & I don't particular like that person's shape in the mirror. Today I make a commitment to remain focused, positive, I know it will be challenging but by the 12 weeks, I would like to have lost 10 kilos & feel like I am making progress on becoming the healthy person I know I can be. I don't EVER want to go backwards EVER again. Forwards I shall go.

I ask my husband to sit next to me as I read it out aloud to him, I have no idea when I look up from sobbing whether he is going to be upset with me because I could never say it to him, or will he be proud of me, will he still love me, have I disappointed him, Oh no, please let him love me............. and he does, he's been doing that for nearly 20 years and gives me a hug hugs, and saids," Anth whatever it takes".

So I send this into my Facebook world. It's like my finger hovers over the return/button. It  has a complete NEW meaning, If I hit return- THERE IS NO RETURN, IT"S OUT THERE & I HAVE TO DO IT,  EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO I AM.




                        EVERYONE'S WAITING- MISSY HIGGINS



THE BEFORE PHOTO

I shop for comfortable underwear, perhaps if I feel o-kay in front of the camera, then perhaps, it's not that bad. I think about it all day, it must be done, I need to tick that complete box after the task. I have nice underwear and doesn't that mean you're sexy if you've been in a lingerie shop?

My husband takes the photos of me, front, side back, wishing I could close my eyes, if I close my eyes, perhaps this doesn't make it all real. God hold your breathe Anth, and once again breathe in and exhale. I thought that was the hard bit.

Looking at the photo was the most confronting thing I've ever done, I put it up very large on the computer because I all of a sudden it got very, very real.

I looked at the photo like an out of body experience, As if I was somebody else ......  they didn't know my history, they didn't know my story, they didn't know my excuses, they didn't know anything about my personality, I'm a nice person with a good heart, I care about people. To them I am a fat, revolting person, who clearly doesn't think highly enough of themselves if they have chosen to do this to themselves.  Big , ugly, unappealing , revolting, disgusting, morbidly obese person. That WAS my photo, that WAS ME !!!!!!!!!

I had been lying to the only person who should only matter and that was myself. I had convinced myself this is who I am and that's the way I should be.

Which brings me back to Missy Higgins,   "The special two"
          

Originally written about having an affair, My interpretation is a little different. When I hear this song, I can close my eyes & I can hear myself singing to the person I want to be, I felt alone because I was stuck in a body that I did not love, "and the conscious never lies"  but I knew if I could unite who I felt I was in that moment with who I wanted to be      ...... we could become "The special two once again again"


                 
IF THE TRUTH WAS THE KEY, MY TRUTH WAS , I DON'T LIKE MY BODY SO , I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU & STRIVE FOR YOU.