" I can see clearly now the rain has gone " ...... Jimmy Cliff version

 

 

 

 

We flew in at 6am in the morning from Queensland, I looked at my boys who had wide beautiful eyes, they have returned with the greatest memories from their holiday.

 

 Taj dare not enter the toilet, as he learnt that on his first flight, turbulence and an unsteady hand was not a good combination for an 8 year old, great amusement to me, exactly what I need a damn good laugh.  They knew mummy was sad, but the also knew every day that each time I looked at them, I was just ever so thankful.

 

It's funny you know, right at the start of Jens pain, and we had no idea what was to come, I texted her, "please get better, I miss you", her reply,"glad someone does". LOL.   As it progressed so did my visits. I would see all her cards, and flowers in her bedroom, the study now resembled a small pharmacy & the freezer could not hold anymore food because of all the kind people bringing over meals. She would always giggle, smile and say, " I rather like all this attention, I had no idea I was this loved !!!"

 

I would say, "Jen, I just have no idea who would step up for me, I have a good father but he  is a little self absorbed, and my sister isn't coping with life herself, and my mother is absent, besides Michael, I just have no idea, who would really ..... really love me enough to put their life on hold", she said, "I have no idea, it's just happened and I thank everyone for making me feel wonderful."

 

Besides my husband I have 4 friends that know my history, know my struggles and adore me unconditionally, Tara, Haley, Lisa & Jenny.

 

It takes me some time  for me to accept "friends", but I trust in those feelings I have in what makes a good friend. When you have hurt, like I have hurt, it really is a self preservation, and that's actually the way I like it.

 

So when Jenny died, and a felt so far away, I was once again reminded, "Anth you have no idea who will step up to the plate", and soon after I was receiving text messages, and phone calls from people who just cared about me, and she was right, people do have a natural ability to just care. 

 

I have the most amazing In-Laws, sure we've had our run ins but the bigger picture is they are good, kind, caring people, who have raised an exceptional son and they were here to look after the boys while we went to the funeral

 

I had been dating and living with Michael for 8 years before he proposed, he doesn't race into anything too quickly, I wasn't going anywhere, I knew a good thing when I was on it. Three years before we eventually got engaged, he said .....     

(at Christmas time !!!!)

I am not sure whether I will put your present under the tree, because if you see the box , you'll know what it is, it's something you've been asking for ..... I might put it in another box so you wont know what it is"   DRRRRRR how dumb does he think I am , my ring is coming, I told some girlfriend stay close to your phone because I think it's "happening"  Christmas time, we see all the family, it's perfect, it's here, 5 years and it's here. I opened ever present slowly leaving "THE BIG ONE", till last. Finally the moment had come and I open it, to reveal a bloody electric cooking WOK, A BLOODY WOK, A FRIGGIN COOKING APPLIANCE ???????????    I WANTED A RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ROCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Pretty safe to say that went down as a pretty shitty day, as we drove home I saw every blade of grass along the freeway, staring out the window in disbelief. It is now one of the funniest things, but geez, come on !!!!!    Lead me up the garden path.

 

So when we find ourselves handing over the boys on that Monday,  for Jenny's funeral it's hard to capture any smile, please let us be o-kay it's been a long 7 days & frankly I just don't want to do it. It makes all those other things I couldn't be "bothered" doing before 12WBT  really insignificant, too tired can't go to the gym, I'll drive to pick the boys up because it's just 15 minutes wasted, can't be bothered cooking lets get take away....... This ...... saying good bye forever, NA, REALLY don't want to do it.

 

Crap, what do I even wear?  I usually like to wear some kind of colour to "celebrate" life, I have nothing to celebrate, I just want it over. I put on the same top and clothes I wore to a funeral in April, I remember buying the shirt because it was cheap, and the only size that fitted me a size 24, and I mean I was uncomfortable and busting out of it, why did it matter as long as I was there. This time, 6 months later, I had to wear something underneath it because it was far too big.

For once I couldn't careless who had noticed that the shirt was far to big for me, I just didn't want to be noticed at all!!!!!!

 

 When we got there, Brett hugged me and said, " Oh Anth, thank god you're here,  I began to crumble, he held me and whispered in my ear, "Pull it together, if you start I'm going to,  so please , hold it together". And I did, Michael and I walked into the chapel and took a seat, I just didn't want to stand. As the service began, I looked over and clutching my handbag was Michael. Oh crap, Michael !!!! He had worked with Jenny for 9 years, it never occurred to me he was hurting as much as me, in my handbag were tissues, and like that Michael was the one lost in his emotions. As I looked around the chapel, I saw the bakery boy, the security guard of the shopping centre, workmates, school parents, sisters & families, and you just have no idea how many people you impact until you are gone. For as long as can remember,  if I love and appreciate someone I tell them, if they have a haircut,  if they are wearing nice clothes compliment them, you just never know when you might make a difference to someones day, you may change someones moment, someones day just by a compliment, costs you nothing but is worth everything !!!!   And you only get one shot at life so keep it positive, positive for you and positive for them.

 

When we got home, I had the usual sorting out off clothes, washing, mail, messages, and life just moves on. There was one thing I NEEDED to do though, my aqua class at 7pm, it's always a high intensity class, I just needed to get into the zone. I had not done a class for over a week, so I went harder, harder than I ever had. I usually get about 280-300 calorie burn a class, this night I did my PB- 407 calories.  I got out of the pool exhausted, I'm done, that was a tough day, and as tough as it is , at least I go to bed knowing there's nothing more I can do, for myself, or for Jenny . I ticked off every box and I'm o-kay, I'm going to be o-kay.

 

I had 3 weeks left of my 12 weeks, I had made it under 100 kilos, and I was 3 kilos away from 25 kilos in total. So I went really hard. Something inside of me thought, if I can just get to 25 then maybe I might get selected as top 20.

 

I made sure I hit that calorie burn everyday and I ate perfectly. I thought if I got that top 20, I can say to Jenny's family that I did it, I did it for her & it's not a waste of life. 

 

I found the program, very easy and the weight was melting off me, I just took it for granted, if I had done all the work, it was going to happen, I have the luxury of having a lot of free time during the day, as I work nights, so the opportunity was there to do well.

 

As apart as The Dirty Thirtys we record our weight each week, I rarely did as I didn't want it to become a comparisons game, well if she's loosing that much why aren't I ?

 

So I never really put any effort or thought process into the number as long as it was a loss I didn't care. The last week though, I had to loose 1.5 kilos to hit over 25 kilos loss. Let me tell you that WAS the worst week on the whole program because I lived and breathed the number, I even considered setting the alarm clock in the morning to get another workout in CRAZY stuff. I just couldn't wait for Wednesday to be over !!!! I desperately needed the break and I didn't want to carry that burden of the number again. If I had worried about the number from day one I would have been a mental case, and probably not sitting here writing.

 

As the 12 weeks was ending I began to think, Oh god I'm not going to Finale, should I be going?  Finale was never on my radar, the thought of large crowds and dressing up with heels and make-up, I would probably have been vomiting with stress . I suffered from PND after my second child was born, so panic attacks was something I had feared.

 

I had gone though a traumatic time with my mother, who no longer wanted anything to do with  me (which I have accepted and understand now)

 

My baby was born 6 weeks premature, 2 weeks after my mother's episode. He was a footling breach baby, although only weighting 4 pound, he was just beautiful, and healthy, he needed a bit of help but he was healthy !!!!  When you have a baby in special care, you operate like a robot, you do what you need to do, to see that precious little thing get stronger

 

 

 

 

 

 

You get quite accustomed to being at home and the alarm clock goes off, to get up and express your milk, as if you had a baby home. I would place my golden milk into the fridge and esky it the next visiting time. It was just what you had to do, as a mother, there's nothing more important than providing for you newborn child. Zayd came home healthy and ticking all the boxes until he was diagnosed with an inguinal hernia, very common in prem-babies, so at 9 weeks (3weeks corrected)  He needed surgery.  Prior to this news he had been most unsettled I hadn't slept for a weeks, worried and concerned. He was in ENORMOUS pain and would cry for hours. ( once in surgery it would become clear that his pain was caused by his appendix being caught in the hernia & ripping at him, 1 on 100,000 very special little boy who's bits are now in a medical journal somewhere. Zayd is Arabic for warrior at that he has been)

 

The day before he had his surgery , was Kevin Sheedy & James Hird's farewell.  Being an avid Essendon member, I had to be there, so the past 9 weeks, everything was about this baby. I felt guilty leaving him for the very first time, he was sick, but I felt I needed to go for some" me" time as we had surgery the next day. So I took my breast pump with me, so I could still keep producing milk, even though I did not have him with me. At half time I went into the parents room, with my breast pump. As I was heading into the room the security guard asked me to step away and not enter the room. I said, "but I need to do this here, I need to use my breast pump", he said, " Your not a mother, where is your baby? This is for parents". I said again, "please I need to do this, I need to use my breast pump", so he followed me into the room and grabbed me by my arm to drag me out. By then EVERYTHING had caught up to me, my mother, prem baby, sick baby, surgery, and I began to hyperventalate, and collapsed having my first ever panic attack at the MCG, and all I wanted to do was be discreet and use my breast pump. He then realised I was in trouble, got me a chair and called St John's people. I actually had never had that before & it was a terrible feeling. I am a pleaser, I like everybody and everything around me to be calm, happy, and I was none of those in that moment.

 

So an environment like finale up on stage, would just be a bit OMG, please don't let me freak out.

So Top 20 I thought, Oh I must be close to having lost enough weight, to at least make a top 20?  Then I looked through the forums and other peoples numbers and thought gee I just might have this, but what was becoming more obvious when people began "announcing" they had recieved an email that they had not lost the same amount as me but REALLY active on the forums, I had only commented 3 times, one to say my "say it out loud", another to say I enjoyed the shoe laces video, and to enter the motivation competition ...... which I won.

 

When I asked what were the criteria's to being selected,  in the different catergories it became apparent it's not about the weight loss, it's a combination of things. They were really great in their response to me, and I thought they handled my querry so profesionally.

 

Once I knew this,  I felt so much better, the ONLY reason I wanted to be named was I wanted to tell Jenny's family that it was all worth it, my efforts while she was sick was worth it. Which was so bizarre, I said all along it's not about the numbers ...... & it actually has nothing to do with the numbers, I just developed a hang up about the numbers for the week & my effort was so worth it, because I had regained control of my life again.

 

I was right all along it's not about the numbers !!!!

 

 

I can see clearly now the rain has gone, no more pressures, no more tears.

I can see all obsticles in my way.