"NUMB" ................ USHER

  Just like a simple maths equation calories in + calories burned = weightloss.

It seemed simple enough, but I just never put it all together. It also equalled something else I was changing physically but my mindset was changing forever.

Every time I stepped onto the scales every Wednesday I knew it was going to be a loss, and quite frankly , it didn't matter the amount. Had you asked me before 12WBT, what would I be thrilled at?  I would have told you nothing less than a kilo, oddly enough I never did under 1 kilo, for the whole 12 weeks but it just didn't matter, because I would jump off the scale, enter the number and say, right new day, new week, I didn't even bother looking at the percentage or how many accumulative kilos I had lost, it just didn't seem as important anyway, because the equation was there and it was only getting easier. What wasn't getting easier was that I could no longer text Jen because she was finding it hard to respond to every text that came in, she just put all the phones in the draw because her news, was never going to get better.

So I threw myself into exercising even more, because this was me, "coping", the only way I could. I felt like I had been living in a whirlpool for the past few months.

whirl·pool/ˈ(h)wərlˌpo͞ol/

Noun:

A rapidly rotating mass of water in a river or sea into which objects may be drawn, typically caused by the meeting of conflicting currents. A turbulent situation from which it is hard to escape.

 I had my sister very unstable and I had my bestfriend dying, and like whirlpools, I was always getting dragged in and out and searching for calmer waters, I have no idea how I managed to get through it, I guess just having my eyes wide open and keeping it real contributed to my calmness.

Planning ........ Planning, that's what I do best, so I planned my workouts, I planned my menu's and I was planning for our first family holiday to Queensland.

I just couldn't work out this crazy thought in my head, How do I tell Michael that our luggage must contain the kitchen scales and the bathroom scales. I planned all the meals and I thought, how can I make this work for me?

And when I wasn't busy, how the blood hell was Jenny?

Finally Jenny calls me, she's been put into a rehab centre, as her spine is so fragile, it's a beautiful hospital she tells me, calm, peaceful, it's perfect, it's palletive care, BUT don't worry, I'm not dying, NOW,  YOU NEED TO SEE ME  ..........I NEED YOU.  She said.

It took 5 months but finally she has requested me,  ( instead of me insisting on seeing her)    god those words matched what I had been thinking for the longest time, with every text with every phone call, she needs me.

I would never get there because 2 days later after that phone call she is heavily medicated and dying. We recieve the phone call from her husband 12 hours before we are to fly out to Queensland. As we drive to pick up our boys , it seems every song on the radio is horrible, but it's Kate Miller-Heidke - Last Day on Earth, that makes my husband pull over because we are both crying, a perfect anniversary celebration, has now been disolved in this moment because nothing really matters but wrapping my arms around my precious children.

I am exhausted when we get home, but as I've been accustomed to do I sit and do my check list, it's Sunday night, there's a new 12 WBT video to watch & a new weekly challenge, when I read through the challenge, I think, I really kicked myself I didn't do that collage of my motivation, so this one I am going to have to enter. I'm not active on the 12WBT forums, but this is important to me.

I can't tell anyone Jenny's dying, it's late & really,  what can I do but make people sad?  So I respond to the weekly challenge, It's the only forum I can speak to without anyone really asking if I'm o-kay because the truth is I'm not o-kay !!!!!!  Why or what is motivating you to succeed. Week 9.  This is what I write at 1pm in the morning :

 We all struggle with something. My sister has attempted suicide twice and it's a daily battle for her to find something positive to live for, my best friend is currently dying of cancer ( and I mean hours/days to live). Prior to 12WBT, I would have punished myself with food as that was my coping mechanism, neither of these things are in my "control". It was time to stop punishing myself and " LIVE LIFE" because my organs are functioning & mind is focussed, so I needed them to see that the fight is worth it ..... LIFE .... is important. My struggle is my weight & I won't be beaten anymore. I just may loose them both but I'll be damned if I loose myself too, I need to honor not only their lives but more importantly my own. Perhaps if my sister sees me fighting to loose 40 kilos, then maybe she may see I am winning my battle. Quitting is not an option, living my life to the fullest of my potential, absolutely is.


I wake up 2 hours later, to pack my family to Queensland, I had planned and prepared for everything, everything but my girlfriend dying.

Through the fog of the morning and the excitement of 2 little boys I remember ,"Oh god, I actually did it, I'm a mad woman, I'm an obsessed mad woman". My carry on bag as it glides through the scanner has my menu folder, shopping list, heart rate monitor, knee brace, ipod nano, kitchen scales, cajun spice, and bathroom scales, yes the cajun spice was very important, yes officially mad !!!!!

I can't remember too much about the morning, it was a blur, walking onto the tarmac I thought brrrrrr.  Melbourne weather what is Queensland like? Before I know it my cold knees are flying up the stairs to board, What? How? When did that happen, when could I do stairs? I have arthiritis, and I have terrible knees. The only other time I though about me knees in this 12 WBT experience was about week 5.

Nina and I had done an aqua gymstick class, ( which only gave me 200 calorie burn as it's more toning & strengthening) I need my 600 calorie burn for the day, so we go to the quarry . I've never done the quarry , so I thought I would give it a whirl, very steep inclines on the outside of the quarrie, which is in the middle of a new housing estate, well the quarrie was there first, they have just landscaped and built a new housing estate around it. It's really lovely

There are a few excercise stations around, very well known in the area for the super keen, I feel really comfortable, this is the first real time Nina and I have had "alone" together we are usually either in a class, or with other people, it also helps Nina is trained in the fitness industry so I nit pick her brain about this and that. Nina's fitness levels is so much higher than mine, so as she's doing the sqwats I'm doing the very easy push ups on the bar, right lets move onto the next station. Nina points at the stairs, steep stairs. I'm going to run up these and you can work on your balance on these rocks on the bottom, edging the garden, that will build your balance and strengthen you knees, because you knees are too weak", and with that I reply, "that's right I don't do stairs".

 

As I am balancing on the rocks and Nina is half way up the stairs, I see one of  my biggest fears, a snake, it's a snake, OH NO , I DON"T DO SNAKES, and with that I have flown up the stairs and leave Nina in the middle looking up at me because, I've hit the higher ground quicker than I had ever imagined. "Why are you doing stairs?". " I yell back, I sure as hell don't do snakes !!!!!!"   Like,  I've just announced there's a fairy at the bottom of the garden Nina skips down to find it, " SERIOUSLY  NINA, I'm scared, IT'S A BLOODY SNAKE !!!!"   Nina, " Oh it's cold, they aren't active, I love reptiles", and with that moves in close enough to take this photo.

Higher ground I shall stay !!!!! Nina looks at me and said, " Anth, I wouldn't do it if I didn't know what I was doing and I will look after you". I should have known at that moment that she was going to look after me, it would take me another 7 weeks to realise just how far we had come.

YES , those stairs ..... I looked back down onto the tarmac and back over Melbourne. " Oh god, Jen, please don't leave me"

As I sit there in the plane I don't want to make eye contact, I'm tired, exhausted, and I'm suppose to be rested, then I look up at the attractive girls doing their demonstrations,  if the plane should fall out of the sky ?  Then another OMG moment, I didn't even consider asking for an extender belt ?????  Usually I try not to make eye contact, in the fear that they might sultley ask me if I require one, perhaps I am loosing weight that people don't notice me, but in a good way, now. WOW and with that thought we take off.

It's still so early in Queensland, made even earlier with the fact that they are not in daylight savings time, and we gain ANOTHER HOUR,  it is the longest morning ever. I am still expecting my phone to recieve a text from Jen but I just know it's not coming, I try and get into the holiday spirit, and Michael asks, what do you want to do? I said" walk & exercise", I need my headspace back, insane,  that's my request, so we head for Tamborine Mountains to a waterfall and for once I am ready to surrender my camera to my husband, I don't want to be absent from this holiday, it's going to be a holiday to remember, I just need it to be balanced, I need photos of this moment, especially this moment !!!!!  

 

 

We've had our walk, I feel better, I've finally had my photo taken, still hiding behind the boys, and sunglasses because that's just a habit I will never get over, we get into the hire care and I check Facebook, suprised I even get reception on a mountain I see Jenny's sister has tagged her in a post RIP, the only thing that makes this barable is the fact that she's resting with the angles and with that I crumble into the heap that was always coming, I grab the handle of the roof support and I sink into the seat belt, " No Michael , this isn't the way it was suppose to happen, she needed to she me skinny, I'm 100 kilos, I needed to be under 100 kilos and we were suppose to be happy together, NO, MICHAEL , NO, just no, I won't believe it until Brett calls me. Somehow we make it to the appartment in Surfers, we are so exhausted and all the boys want to do is swim. Yep, me and my water, seems to be the perfect place, so we go to the pool, of course me with my heart rate monitor, and the stupid things that go through your head, yes I see my heart beating you stupid thing, it's like an insult. So I go into the water and I do everything I know to get my heart rate up. I've done enough classes now I  could probably take one myself. The pool is situated on the 13th floor and we look over the city, I lay on my back and I float, with the reflections of the suns rays bouncing off the water I see shimmers of white on the roof , it's calm, it's peaceful, it's my home, and I can now ....... LET GO, SHE'S RESTING THERE IS NO MORE BATTLE,  THERE'S NO MORE PAIN  ................. IT'S TIME TO LET GO .

 

 

I THEN SING THE SONG THAT BECOMES MY EVERYTHING

 

NUMB - USHER      

 

  

 

 

I make my way up to the appartment and I have 4 messages from, Jenny ..... well Jenny's phone and it's her husband, I make the call.  I don't want to make this phone call but we have the most amazing conversation because we are relieved that it's all over, the fight, the pain, the battle is over, he just needs to know when we are home, so then he can arrange the funeral, hoping we can make it  (we do. We fly in on the Monday early, and we are sitting in front of her in the afternoon.)

 

I go to sleep almost immediatley it was a massive 12 hours, emotionally spent as I drift off to sleep, I think to myself of those reflections on the roof and how I just felt her with me floating in that pool, it felt so peaceful, I had two options

1. Eat crap, feel like crap, not excercise ..... nothing changes and Jenny's dead or

    2. Eat clean, feel o-kay, excercise  ......everything changes and Jenny's dead.

 

 

 

Under 100 kilos was were I want to be when I got home, if I can do a grand final, my birthday, anniversay and death for my best friend, geez I can bloody do anything, I set my mind to so I switch on, to get that under 100 kilos !!!!!

 

I woke up at 4.30am every morning, which isn't that hard when it's daylight and I walked 12 kms everyday. As I walked to the sun coming up,  I thanked the higher powers that I ever had her, it was my alone time, my reflection time,

 

 

 

 

 I actually really needed the space. As sad as it was, I couldn't have been in a better place, we were busy everyday, at the theme parks. I was well and truly aware that we only had one crack at life, so we were here, there was nothing more I can do, just create beautiful memories for my boys because they have no idea, nor should they, this was their first holiday, so lets make it count.

 

When we were at the theme parks, you get random photos taken of you if you are on the rides. I am not a rides person, but wanted to appear o-kay with it for the boys sake.  I was mortified of the photos that came out, I was still a very large girl, and it was a reality check, in where I still needed to go, I needed to be focussed, and determined.

 

I was o-kay in my bathers at Wet N Wild, I'm in my bathers anyway at aqua aerobics, so it wasn't a big deal, but I just didn't feel like getting wet. I'm still not there with the full confidence with my body, I'm still 100 kilos.

 

I was waiting for my family to come down the aqua racer, when the ride to the side of that, had a weight requirement 120 kilos. You couldn't wipe the smile off my face, not that I want to line up for the ride, I really wanted to line up to jump on the scales and do a big hip hip hooray for myself because 7 weeks ago, I would not have been able to go on the ride, big REJECTED, would have been stamped on my head.

 

 

   ( right of the wet'n'wild sign in the fencing is the scales, I've never been so thrilled

                                                to see scales in all my life)

 

So I possed for every photo, I created those amazing memories with my boys and it was a great break away, a  holiday that will be remembered for so many reasons.  

 

When I got home, this was waiting for me. I had been selected as a winner of the weekly prize. 

 

 

But the biggest memory would be the song that has changed everything ...........

NUMB BY USHER.

 

The film clip is stunning, trapped in a glass box and needing to break through the barriers, something I've tried so hard to do, whilst everyone is watching you, but then there's the lyrics.

 

"They say life is a battlefield I say bring it on"

 

Keep on doing the same old thing and you expect to change?

Well is that really insanity or just a loosers game?

I only believe in what I feel, some may say that's strange.

You better realise what is real because forever is alone, lone,lone,lone,lone, time.

 

 

 

YOU NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU LET GO

 

It really was time to let go of all the excuses and every negative thought I had ever had.

 

Once again we all have our stories, which make up of history but don't let it define who you are or the spririt within, let it all go because you just might find that inner peace you've been searching for & isn't that a risk so worth taking?  If you are on your way to amazing? 

 

YOU NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU LET GO. 

 

 

R.I.P my girl & thank-you for a gift I never saw coming.