Hall of Fame- The Script.

It might be the second phone call I've had from my sister today, which seems to be a bit low, for the amount of times, she usually calls, but that's o-kay because each time I hang up I am reminded at how far we have come in 12 months ago. 12 months ago I almost didn't have her in my world.

It has to be the hardest thing,  to beg someone to live, when they really just don't want too. I stepped away from the hospital remembering the look in her eyes she was so desperate and so empty. When I asked her if the overdose was"accidental" or whether it was an honest attempt on her life?  her reply was ....... " I'm so embarrassed to be alive", I want to be dead.

I don't know whether it was pure selfishness on my behalf because I needed my sister or I just wanted her to believe in herself, but begged for her to stay with me.

 How do you to tell someone that because you love them, they need to hang on, when they don't see a damn thing worth loving in themselves, in the first place?

 I understood completely, by that stage,  I had heard her  !!!!!   I wanted to discuss the possibility of her wearing a no re-suss bracelet, just in case this exact situation came up again because I loved her,  I had to explore this as a very real option.  Painful, oh so painful, but I understood the deeper meaning of love.

Dad was holidaying and I was the only person that could make any call on her well being.  I had to make sure she accepted all the help that was offered. Such a gentle line you have to walk, the most delicate of delicate eggshells you walk across. That fear of, if I say the wrong thing, what could happen?

 It helps to listen, and to keep your ears open,  when I spoke to the counsellor at the hospital I was able to tell them EVERYTHING about her life, I didn't leave ANY details out, just in case I gave them that one piece of information that could trigger that recovery for her.  I remember her face as I was speaking, and so exhausted she whispered, "wow you care, you were listening to everything I said, you really care about me".

When the hospital released her, she had to live at dads apartment, the police had to break through her door to get to her because she was unconscious, it was an old building, they had discovered asbestos in the lining of the door, therefore she had to be evacuated and was not allowed onto the premises. 

We sat in dad's apartment, I had made her oodles of food, so she didn't have to think about going out into the public, she had all the groceries done and we had a mountain of clothes and shoes to sort through. I had arranged for Diabetes Australia to do a pick up in a couple of days and I was making her de-clutter and remove everything from her life that she had been holding onto.

With each clothing I told her what size are you? Do we only keep the clothes that fit you now ?

With each piece of clothing, I pulled out , I asked keep or toss?  If she said keep, I asked why?  See ..... I had no emotional attachment to these clothes, so it was easy for me to be brutal. She sat in the middle of the room her left shoulder was toss, the right of her shoulder was to keep. If she even hesitated and paused to "think" of the reason or the excuse why she needed it  ........  I tossed it.

If it was a quick explanation and she didn't need to think about it, I opted to keep it.

I had a re-think pile too - a come back to , a little bit too hard and we will think about it.

It was such a huge process because I could see a weight was being lifted. We cleared out 9 garbage bags. She was a hoarder and was still holding onto things that she had as a teenager, it was time to let it all go.

The only normal thing at that time was coming home to Michael and the boys. He was so amazing he didn't once question me for my time, we needed to move Simone into a new apartment so he did it, he put together book cases, moved boxes, drove from one end of Richmond to another and he just treated her with so much love and respect, he never judged her, he never said an ill word of her, he just loved her because she is family.

Like clock work I knew when rock bottom was coming from Simone, ( we had so many downs in a space of 3 months)  she was so consistent with her behaviour, like being stuck on a roller coaster I was riding that daily but I could never seem to get off. I could encourage the support of the C.A.T team, working with psychologists, her doctors, her counsellor, but the one thing I was silently begging for her to get under control was alcohol.  I can't help but think, the root of most of this evil was the binge drinking, and that was a huge factor but I also understood this was also learnt behaviour from both our mother and to a certain extent my father.

I consider myself a non drinker, if I have one , it would be perhaps 1 drink every 2 years, and I literally mean 1 drink. It's all too hard of a concept for me ....... yet my, "silent"  addiction was eating.

With alcohol, it's mind altering, it alters your behaviour, your decision making but it can also affect others in the cross fire of any of those altered states you may have , sometimes that was me ..........    a sober me, in the line of fire !!!!

My poison was my food, was I hurting anyone else? NA , it was only me, I was only ever hurting myself   ........ I was telling myself I was totally fine, I was happy, I was happy being a mum and I was just plain happy solving everyone elses problems and upholding the role. Funny how it was as clear as mud what MY happiness was 12 months ago, I was just going through the motions too, same as Simone but just on a different level. I just happened to be looking after everyone else but myself.

Oh and was food hurting anyone else besides myself?  ........ um ...... yeah  ....... my family. They were missing out on a lot because I wasn't available to them, I was tired, everything seemed too hard and I just couldn't be bothered. I was exhausted physically and emotionally.

It got to the point where I just kept taking the phone calls and messages from Simone, each time I knew she was alcohol affected but I just couldn't tell her you have a problem, I kept relating it to myself. How would I feel if each time I ate food, someone told me your fat because you only have yourself to blame. It's an awful thing to think. I was too sensitive nor was it anybody elses business what I did with my own private life , I was "happy" ( in denial)   ............ In my opinion I could not over step the line too much because then I would be forced to have a look at my backyard,  I wasn't too keen on that, I was putting on a really good face besides ........ everyone was counting on me.

So I had made the decision to join 12wbt, I needed to regain control, and having a good hard look at myself in that before photo, was so vital because that's exactly what I needed Simone to do but I also realised as hard as that was, that was MY process, not anybody elses, that kind of clarity can not be told, or demanded from anyone else........  that's something you need to go through for YOURSELF and not only that you need to see it and feel it too.

I stepped away and I exercised and I forgot to think about Simone after she slammed the phone in my ear and accused me of not caring for her and putting my family first, and she wished she could swap places with Jenny. I thought that was the cruelest thing to say.  What an insult on every level   !!!!!    I realised she was sick but I couldn't argue or fight with her any more.  I thought, what will be will be but I am on my own path, I'm not sure what 12wbt will bring me but god isn't it worth a try?  I need to just space myself from everyone and everything there was nothing more important, than me.

Those months flew and I have next to zero contact with Simone, I actually don't miss her either because I am assuming she is finding her own feet,  she will call me when she needs me, my birthday comes and goes in the October, I hear and see nothing of her, and for once I actually don't even worry.

It's not until just before Christmas,  that we are finally o-kay, and she is busting to see me. We have a really nice Christmas,  she is still really tense, the medication is better, she is moving like a zombie in slow motion but she is almost attempting a conversation, which sounds like madness but when you go through what we had been through ..... It's an improvement.

When she sees me , she bursts into tears, " I can't believe you've done it, you look completely amazing".

Sometimes actions do speak louder than words and I had to trust that I had done enough for her to see that, food was an enormous challenge for me, it was my addiction, it was my emotional puller, it was always my plan  A, B & C, it was my only option and for a longest time that's who I always thought I was ever going to be.

It was time to fix me and make me stronger too, but if that meant that she could also draw strength from me, then it was a win, win.

I remember walking away from Christmas begging to the higher powers, please let that be enough for her to realise that she's done a lot of hard work, that we've been through the worst. I feel really wonderful, please .....  please let 2013 be her year because 2012 has certainly been my year of rediscovery.

Well since Christmas she has began working and taking on her role at work, she is managing and partaking in everything, she is becoming this opinionated, thought provoking person, who is now goal setting, she is discovering herself again yet, it's still one step at a time. The most pleasing thing is she, all by herself as admitted that alcohol is an evil for her and is now in AA but that she came to all by herself and I couldn't be more prouder.

She does not "need" me anymore and it's the greatest feeling that I had to blindly let go, ( with my mind wide open) but it was a risk worth taking.

What if ....... what if  she could do it all by herself ? Once again this was ANOTHER USHER NUMB - YOU NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU LET GO. Not only for her, but also for me. I had been "mothering" her for a very long time !!!!

What fascinates me about this whole 12wbt process, and I'm not sure if it's THIS program, but it's everything that goes with it that has made me trust and believe in myself in a whole new way.

A few weeks ago, I was unable to participate in my regular aqua class. That instructor is a maniac, I call it my Manic Monday, aqua then Cxworks, it's my guaranteed 600 calories and I LIVE for Monday's ( as well as my SSS).

When I was turned away, I was furious that I could be dismissed and my loyalty meant , well..... not a great deal that night ( of course the sensible Anthea does realise it's a business decision and that's just the way it is)  I went through the emotions of, well I can go back to cx and still see "the nice instructor", I can go home via the restaurant and go and buy cake and have my own pity party and believe that it was a complete personal attack on ME,  ( poor victim Anthea)  or I could go home and walk/run until I hit 400 calories, because I know that's how much I would get out of the class. So I came home and I went for a run.

My run is a walk with intervals, run for 30 seconds then heart rate to 140 then walk it down to 120, then run again for 30 seconds, this night was hot, it was 32 degrees & my heart rate was high to begin with, whether that was because I was pumped, not sure.  So I decided to just get out and bloody do it. I ran for 60 seconds on, heart rate at 170 then dropped it to 145, and ran again for 60 seconds. I ended up burning 550 calories in 45 minutes, INSANE but I just needed to do it.

When I was warming down I had come to the biggest breakthrough and ended up thanking the centre of this gift of clarity ............. I no longer needed the "safety net" of the aqua classes, it had served me well and not only gave me my healthy outlook and desire, it also gave me a good friend in Nina, but I could do this on my own, actually, I've been  making amazing decisions on my own for awhile now, and I really trust that this is who I am, I don't hold onto any fears anymore. The FEAR OF BEING FAT IS NO MORE.

I don't fear rejection anymore, what if I can't get to my class ? HEY I NEED A PLAN A, B & C ......... that's going to work for me !!!!!!!

The next day I walked into my gym assessment that was pre-booked, with Jamie.  Jamie has had me from the start (3 years)  and I just wanted to really show off , how well I've been been going but Jamie was not in, so I had to see Paul, who is the new gym manager. This was my first time I met Paul.

He asks me, do I mind if it's him who does the assessment. I looked at him like he was completely bonkers, of course I don't care, I just want a good workout. Now it's not his reaction that surprises me, it's my own, I actually don't care about who thinks what of my body, I want it to become stronger and leaner and I want to explore and push myself to a brand new level. OMG, I can't believe that 6 months ago I had no idea how to scan the bar code to get into the gym, I didn't know how to use a locker, and what if everyone looked at me BECAUSE OF THIS BIG OBESE BODY  ????????     I just don't care to give it a thought anymore, I just want to get in there and do it.

So I sit down with Paul . He asks me what is it that I was looking for. I explain that I have lost 37kgs since last year and just looking for "something new"  because I have had a Dexa Scan done and this is now my new focus.

He is most interested in what information the Dexa Scan gives and we look through the information. He asks me, to write down what my week looked like in that first 12 weeks, so I did and he looked at me and said, " You are a freak, if that's how much effort you've put in, no wonder you have got the results but we are flipping it on his head and pushing your body to a whole new level".

This is exciting to me, here I have an enthusiastic person, who wants to develop and change my whole outlook in a whole new direction. I now discover that this is refreshing, and exactly what I was looking for.

  
                                                     
                              I am doing squats on bosu, yes I can and I love it.

                                              

 

 



                                 Ab crunches on a fit ball, yes I can and I love it too.



I am still doing my aqua classes, but I don't rely on them, I don't "need" them to push me, it's not the only thing I can do because that's all my body allows me to do. I can ask my body to do new things, and it's the most exciting thing.

I was asked was my PT, sexy?    I had to think  ........ clearly very fit, but I have to answer, yes ......... he is gorgeous because he is passionate and enthusiastic and excited about pushing me and my body for results on that Dexa Scan, anyone who is passionate about what they do ........ that is sexy !!!!!


So today when I hang up the phone for the first time in almost 12 months I actually forget about , "whatever" it was Simone wanted to discuss because I know we weathered the all bloody hurricane that was ripping through our lives and today I step on the scales that was my own personal hurricane  and I actually don't really care what the number of weight I have lost or haven't lost because I am finally really happy and content.

When I began my 12wbt my goal was 85kgs from 120kgs, I sit 2kgs away from that goal. I'm not "stopping", I'm just not pushing for THOSE numbers anymore, within a "time limit" .  I eventually want to get to 69 because that's my Dexa Scan measured goal weight but I also want to be made up of leaner muscle mass too but I'm just not rushing through "the weeks" to get there because I see my longer term goal, which is manageable and the LIFEstyle ahead of me, that's very achievable and within arms reach.

I am feeling fitter, stronger and healthier but more importantly I am just living and loving my life and I'm excited about my life, something 12 months ago seemed like an impossible dream for me & for my sister.

I think Simone's going to be o-kay, actually for the first time I honestly  believe, she has found herself again   ............. and I know I'm really thriving and striving, and I feel very content and for once I can say I'm really  happy to be me, I just hope she feels the same way too ........... You can find your way to your own .......... Hall Of Fame.

"Hall Of Fame"(feat. Will.I.Am)

Yeah, you can be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the King Kong banging on your chest

You could beat the world
You could beat the war
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

You can throw your hands up
You can beat the clock (yeah)
You can move a mountain
You can break rocks
You can be a master
Don't wait for luck
Dedicate yourself and you gon' find yourself

Standing in the hall of fame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

You can go the distance
You can run the mile
You can walk straight through hell with a smile

You could be the hero
You could get the gold
Breaking all the records they thought never could be broke

Yeah, do it for your people
Do it for your pride
How you ever gonna know if you never even try?

Do it for your country
Do it for your name
'Cause there's gonna be a day...

When you're standing in the hall of fame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

Be a champion, be a champion, be a champion, be a champion
On the walls of the hall of fame

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers
(Yeah)

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions
Be truth seekers

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions

Standing in the hall of fame (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah, yeah, yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

(You can be a champion)
You could be the greatest
(You can be a champion)
You can be the best
(You can be a champion)
You can be the king kong banging on your chest

(You can be a champion)
You could beat the world
(You can be a champion)
You could beat the war
(You can be a champion)
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

(You can be a champion)
You can throw your hands up
(You can be a champion)
You can beat the clock
(You can be a champion)
You can move a mountain
(You can be a champion)
You can break rocks

(You can be a champion)
You can be a master
(You can be a champion)
Don't wait for luck
(You can be a champion)
Dedicate yourself and you gon' find yourself
(You can be a champion)

Standing in the hall of fame

Alicia Keys- Brand New Me

I was flicking through all my cards in my wallet, banking cards, license, medicare, this shop, that shop's loyalty card,  in my head I was thinking, god why do I say yes to all this, so they can bombard me with emails?  Next card, ....  next, card, Where's that damn card I want in the first place?   Then I saw it, the card that would make me stop everything my thoughts ....... my working with children's card.

I remember that day, I was in such a flurry because I really wanted the paperwork done.  I was desperate to help out at school, but needed "clearance" first. My background check of course would be perfect, but I didn't want to get a photo taken, that photo, that image of me was far from perfect !!!!  I sure didn't like what I saw in the mirror, why would I want to have that image forever?

Well I had too, my child was more important to me, if I was to be there for important excursions, then I just had to stand there , this is me, I suppose. I wasn't to smile and that was fine, I didn't feel like smiling anyway, I felt nothing but revolting !!!

 I am naturally getting a lot of compliments,  37 kilos is a lot of weight to loose in a year. I am very measured in what my response is. Especially who it is too. I've watched people's reaction to me, some people want to discuss it, some people don't know how to approach the topic. I am very mindful of people who are over 100 kgs and what their response might be, yes I'm an over thinker when it comes to the way other people may feel. I'm not going to preach at them. Weight loss is a very personal and emotional process, we all have different reasons for loosing the weight, but our wants and desires are the same,  basically just to live a healthy, comfortable and functioning lifestyle and it's a change FOR LIFE, that's what I want anyway.

When I began loosing the weight, one mother walked home with me after school drop off and fired all the questions at me, as I answered her, I could see the expression on her face, hmmmmmm.  She said to me, " I just don't think I could do it", I said, " Yes .......but have you even tried? .....  What if you just could? Isn't it worth at least exploring if  the pay off is feeling so amazing?"

So it was no surprise to me that the next day I saw her out running around the block. I tooted & woof whistled at her. The smile on her red face was priceless. I thought, YES, that's what I'm talking about !!!!!   JFDI .  At the end of the school year I saw her husband. I said, " I saw your wife out running a few times now", and his reply was, " I think you set a fire in her, after your talk she said, I'm just going to try".  I've watched her, and I just feel so proud of her, she has changed, she has lost 15 kilos since December, and supports a brand new "modern" hairstyle. She has done all the hard work but I can't help but feel super proud for her.

I'm also really proud of my blogging and my sharing, I share mostly with my D30 group and a handful of friends in my "real" world. This week I was able to sit down with my beautiful girlfriend Clare, it seems such a lot has changed in our parallel worlds and the time just melts away, between visits.  But when I can sit on a couch and just listen and talk , I feel like I have found exactly where I need to be, in that moment in time. I've changed so much in 6 months, but Clare and I remain the same.

6 months ago I was 120kgs, my best friend was dying of cancer and my sister was questioning everyday whether she wanted to live in this world and I was lost, and I was SOOOO  tired,  I was tired of everything that was beyond my control, being OUT OF CONTROL.  So I took back all the things I could have control over, my food, my exercise and my attitude.

So I open right up to her about my blogging and I read her my " mothers group" blog, Respect Yourself.  I would never have had the clarity to articulate what my emotions were , face to face but through blogging I am able to express to her my entire thinking.

For those 8 years Clare had no idea the full extent of my unhappiness, and in one blog, I am able to share the real me. We cry, but I feel like a weight has been lifted because I can now just be a friend to her, I don't care for any one of those mothers,  any more ....... only her.

I am surrounded by so many people who give me so much than they will ever realise and for that I feel so blessed, to be living in my world right now .

I am a people watcher, I love people responding to me, I guess I just like a happy world. My school community is a wonderful environment. None of those mothers have ever made me feel worthless,  truth was, I was doing a pretty good job of that by myself, because of this wonderful environment , I needed that working with children's card, to be apart of this community.

They see the changes in me and tell me often but those who love me regardless are also quick to tell me, they love me no matter what size I am.

So as I sit in McDonalds  (at a children's party) yesterday.  YES it still blows my mind that I can sit there and it's just a building, no longer the place I NEED to have a Big Mac. I sit with those lovely mums. It's funny how when they ask what I did for morning, I don't tell them I've spent 3 hours exercising, I just say great morning, people don't need to hear about it all the time. Yet they want to apologise for eating McDonald's. It just goes over my head, if they enjoy themselves, that's got nothing to do with me. Odd place to be, they owe me no explanation, I am doing this for me. I don't expect anything from anyone, this 12wbt is about me and me only.

I then smile at these gorgeous women, who have said, " We never saw you as big, Anthea, you're just Anthea but clearly you are happier. I needed to share with them my photo, that I found on my working with children's photo.

As I passed it around, one mum actually gasped and just said, "Wholly hell Anth, that's friggin  unbelievable". I never, ever saw it, there's no way I can even remember you like that. CRAP. Totally different person and I thought, yep I don't even know that person in the laminated card.

So thinking yesterday about those mothers and my morning with Clare, I drove home thinking now 12wbt is giving  a "new body ", but I am finding a whole brand new me.

BRAND NEW ME- Alicia Keys.

It's been awhile,
I'm not who I was before
You look surprised,
your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you,
but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new kinda of me
Can't be bad,
I found a brand new kinda of free

Careful with your ego,
he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God know something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need, why you mad?
It's just the brand new kind of me
Never bad, I found a brand new kinda of free

It took a long , long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised
Don't be surprised

If I walk a little taller,
if I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller I been under you too long
If you notice that I'm different, don't take it personally
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new kind of me
Never bad,
I found a brand new kinda of free

It took a long, long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised oooh, see you look surprised
If you were a friend you wanna get to know me again
If your were worth a while you would be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry, I'm too busy trying to find myself
I've got this, I've found me I've found me yeah

I don't need your opinion, I'm not waiting for your okay
I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave
Now my heart is open, and I can finally breathe
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new kinda free
That ain't bad,
it's just a brand new kinda of me
Don't be mad,
it's just a brand new time for me
Songwriter(s): Noah Shebib
Copyright: Roncesvalles Music Publishing

Better Than - The John Butler Trio

I heard my girlfriend say to me, the other day " You know, I think I might be able to find the time to exercise, if only , I wasn't so busy ...........  I just think,  I like my life this way because MAKING OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY .........MAKES ME HAPPY.

It was like I was having an outer body experience, I was observing but rewinding to 5 months ago. This was me, that was my standard line ......  Making other people makes me happy.

I still love being spontaneous and the reaction of people feeling amazing if I have made them happy, but there is a completely different pay off and it doesn't cost me anything ..... anymore.

For the longest time I was forever trying to please people, to do the right thing, to say the right thing, even if I was so super tired from not sleeping the night before, I would be the good friend, the good helper, but I was so empty. I was running on empty all the time, I never knew how to say to myself, stop and recover and only take on what you can because you are just as important.

In my first round, I powered through, my weeks, I had too.  I actually was in survival mode but when the round was coming to a grinding end, I just wanted to push myself that little bit extra to hit 25kgs, oh the pressure I put on myself.

When I saw that loss on the last Wednesday, I could have just dropped on the floor like they did in, " The time warp", from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I made it.  Had I done enough for Top 20?  I certainly surpassed any expectations I might have had, I actually just wanted to loose 5-10 kilos, but I just felt empty again.

I didn't celebrate me at all, I actually just cried. I've never had such mixed emotions, I was so enormously proud of my commitment to myself and my strength, yet I missed Jenny.
 
Because I went so hard, for such a long time, I thought I would give myself a couple of days off between rounds and "live/ relax". I did no exercise (for 4 days) and had one meal out.

That was OMG, to me, I was living on the edge, I dare not have a soft drink though, that's just too far out of the comfort zone I had now created.

So it's no surprise now when I look back at my first round that I did not start well. It's not that I did anything wrong, I just didn't do everything right.

So when this round was coming to an end, I put NO weight requirement on myself, I set my other non-weight goals, and ticked all of them off, and when I got my 15% email & finished off my blog, I thought. I'M DONE. I'm looking after me in a whole different way.

For a week and a bit, I caught up with girlfriends, I went out for meals, I was on a weeks holiday from work, to settle my preppie into his first year of school and I am just removing myself from 12wbt. It was planned but I just needed to back off.

I certainly didn't go out and eat pizza and soft drink and ice-cream ...... everyday :)

My biggest splurge was a bowl of mixed sorbets & I ate chocolate before I went to bed.

Let me tell you before I ate those chocolate bars before bed, I felt like I was punishing myself. Like nan forcing me to eat brussel sprouts, when I knew it was the last thing on earth I wanted to do, but I knew why I was doing it. I did NO exercise ( for 7 days)  and I felt sooooooo awful, it was planned, I completely knew that's what I wanted to feel. Controlled awfulness.

This was the way I choose to lead my life for so many years, I never knew what a calorie was, little more than burn a calorie?  I ate before bed and never had a good nights sleep. That's where I wanted to push myself, I want to push myself back to feeling revolting.

I went shopping and I could not concentrate on anything, I was sluggish, I couldn't hold a conversation, absolutely had no concentration. All I wanted to do was go to bed and stay there. My body was just rebelling. I needed to feel this way, I needed to remember all the emotional feelings I had with not respecting myself. I even wore my big clothes, and my old undies. Terrible, I felt terrible.

It was a hard week when blood tests from my son had come back that he needed further testing to see if he was diabetic, so in & out of hospital I would go too.  

As well as planning this, I planned my FULL medical check-up. Perfect timing to remember because it's in between rounds. The nurse and doctor were amazed at my progress and they also made up treatment plan for my 12 weeks.

I asked for my birth control ( IUD)  change over, for my bloods to be taken and to have my breasts checked. Just like that car, I am in empty and I was pulling in for a full service.

The doctor cleared my right breast,  that was painful  one that I was worried about but she found a lump in my left breast, which is completely amazing because I can't feel it. Looks like in this week, I am to have 2 hospital visits, 2 ultrasounds and a mammogram.  All of these were add ons, to a week that was suppose to be unplanned.

What I was most looking forward to was the Dexa Scan , which I had booked in November, for the end of the round ( February).

Michelle Bridges had recommended getting one and I thought, I would love that, as its a totally new measurement, other than kilos and cm's and something to base this new round on. Come and hit it from a different angle and a whole new measurement for me, to combine with the full medical from the doctor too.

It took about 5 minutes for the scan to move over my body. I just lay there still, as he explained what the scan was introduced for, it began as a bone density measuring tool for mainly to  detect osteoporosis in the bones, but is used a lot in the fitness industry now, especially body builders and athletes.

When I hoped off he then explained area's of information that the scan revealed. It was totally mind blowing. I was only wishing that I had seen him in August. He was just amazed at my weight loss, but when he went through my body make-up, it become really clear why my body had reacted the way it had, to the program.

The beauty is that the scan weighs every part of your body, what your fat mass is, what are the leaner parts of your body and where your muscles lay.

It tells me to the exact kilos and target weight I should be aiming for and based on all my own personal body make up, how many calories I should use in a day to burn fat from my body and my exact calorie intake, to maintain that weight. Which was exactly what I was after. How do I make it,  that this is ME for the rest of my life?  With this type of scientific information I know exactly what makes me tick. I will under go this process another 2 times to compare changes in my make-up.

So for now, it's still about stripping off the fat layers which is all the yellow/ orange layers, then to turn what's remaining into shades of pink and purple. So for the moment it is about still calories in and calories out. The rest is my longer term goals but this gives me higher goals to aim for and just a brand new measurements.

                                      What a leaner, fat reduced body looks like



So yes I have had an enormous 2 weeks of internal and external testings. Taj was cleared of juvenile diabetes, my birth control is in, awaiting results from the breast scans, and surprisingly my blood pressure is spot on.

I can't help but wonder, how much 12wbt has played in all this?   If it wasn't between rounds, would I have insisted on having all of these tests & measurements done?

Would she have felt my lump if I had all that extra layer of fat there?

Would I still have my IUD in,  it really should have been taken out 5 year ago, but I was "too busy".

Why did I leave all these things? I suspect because I was telling myself that my happiness was making other people happy but re-doing everything wrong for that week and a bit, only proved to me how bloody important I am, and my OWN happiness should be just as important  !!!!! Bigger picture, my own HEALTH IS PARAMOUNT !!!!!

I am thinking through my passed 2 weeks I am still tired, I've had a range thoughts but I just don't entertain any negatives and what if's?  Until we know what we are dealing with. 

What's the point?   Just sit back and relax & don't look back on life and only see tragic.  ( Better Than) .   I now prefer to set those goals for life and I will achieve them !!!!!





"Better Than"

All you want is
What you can't have
And if you just look around man
You see you got magic
So just sit back relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life man and only see tragic

Because you could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better

All the time while you're looking away
There are things you can do man
There's things you can say
To the the ones you're with
With whom you're spending your today
Get your gaze off tomorrow
And let come what may

Because you could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better

All I know is sometimes things can be hard
But you should know by now
They come and they go
So why, oh why
Do I look to the other side
'Cause I know the grass is greener but
Just as hard to mow

Life's not about what's better than.

All you want is
What you can't have
And if you just look around man
You see you got magic
So just sit back relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life man and only see tragic

Because
You could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than

 

Queen. It's a kind of magic

I heard the other day, that it was over 20 years ago, that the world was in complete shock that one of  " The superstars", of the game of basketball, Magic Johnson, had declared his sudden announcement he was retiring because he had contracted, HIV.

Which got me thinking about my next blog, do I ......  don't I ?   I wasn't going to but it does help my thought process and people respond to my blogging ..... and that I love.

So I am thinking about this song choice, for this blog ?  Yes I have to have at least one Freddie. I had such an obsession with the different performers, Elton John, David Bowie, Prince, Freddie Mercury.

 Why?  Because they dared to be different. They didn't care what people thought of them .... perhaps they did, but to the world, they dared to be proud & original. I completely admired their fearlessness, as a young person, discovering the world, I had no idea who I wanted to be, but I knew I liked strong people.

At the time of all the HIV hysteria, I was still very young, all I really knew about HIV, was very little and that scary, scary advertising campaign of the grim reaper, bowling the bowling ball down the alley. 

How much little information we knew, yet it was an awful time. Around about this time I would watch over and over again, my very black, deaf, homosexual uncle who battled to remain sober, be beaten many times because he choose a different lifestyle.

Fighting for his life in hospital. just became the norm. I really couldn't understand any of it. He was my beautiful, beautiful uncle, how could people be so ugly?  So what if he loved another man? I just didn't get it. I guess I feel very fortunate to have actually lived that because it did teach me unconditional love.

He was actually very intelligent but being Aboriginal he never really had much opportunity to excel at anything, he didn't trust his ability.

Does that sound a bit familiar?  He could be the biggest supporter & cheerleader to everybody else, yet never saw his own ability and what could be possible for himself.  Hmmmmm ??????

He was always one of my biggest supporters and really encouraged me to come up to Melbourne to study a Year 12 equivalent at Monash University. During my High school Year 12, my mum decided to go AWOL and is it no wonder I failed miserably.

I would live with him at my grandma's house. every morning we would sit there beaming and discussing our day ahead. He was the student co-ordinator & I was one of his students.  One morning he woke up and he was most odd, I couldn't put my finger on it, I asked but he said, " I want to tell you something, but not yet", "O-kay, when you're ready , I will be here", was my reply . I waited a few more days, that odd hesitant look  ...... but nothing. I waited.......Until it came out, from nowhere.

" Anth, will you still love me if I tell you something?". " Roderick, of course I will, I've loved you all my life."  ........ " I need you to know I have HIV".

I can't remember anything but getting up from my chair and wrapping my arms around him and bursting into tear, my tears were because he trusted me, what a secret, but he trusted me, and I needed him to know, I would still have physical contact with him, the disease he carried but he was not the disease !!!!!

I would carry that around with me, and to tell you the truth, I actually forgot, it wasn't even important to me, he was just my Uncle.

At the beginning of the (Uni) school year. I would tart myself up because the "office boy", was rather delicious. I would put contacts in my eyes, which would always look red raw by the end of the day, I would wear make up which gave me panda eyes  all to impress this boy. The office boy was so shy, that I doubt he ever popped his head up to notice.

Then the office boy had to take us for a tour of the campus. Oh wow, here is my one and only opportunity to get him to notice me, so I thought all morning, make sure you say something that makes you outstanding to him. So I approach him, thinking, intelligent, sophisticated, amazing, that's what you need to be. As I open my mouth to ask him the question, all that came out of my mouth was ........ Can I take an apple with me ???????  Ha, WHAT  ????????  I just turned my back and begged the world to open up swallow me. I had that moment to shine, to weave my own type of magic but epic FAIL !!!!!!

Roderick and I laughed, and laughed all the way home. What a fool I was, meticulous planning and that's what it all amounts to was a question about an apple.

I went through and made great friendships with the staff and when I needed help, I asked for it. I studied, Law, Biology, English, History. To achieve your pass mark you had to pass everything by 75%  to get your Year 12 and acceptance into Uni. I had never applied myself with my education and being so far away from home was perfect, because it was all about me, I was so proud of myself. I managed to still hold my week-end job running the deli department in Ocean Grove and study all at 21.

I received really great marks and was accepted into an Arts degree, I went to a few classes but thought, great topics, history, sociology & anthropology, but what to I do at the end of it? I would then try hospitality as well and pass that, but I eventually become a Deli Manager, something I was always good at, and at the end of the day I LOVED it.

I haven't stopped to count the years that have passed but 20 sounds like a hell of a lot, since that Magic Johnson press conference. I got married, had two beautiful boys and I would watch Roderick overcome his alcohol addiction and become one of the first recipients of a cholera ear implant, which would CHANGE his world FOREVER, and my god, he soared and painted the sky with rainbows with his new found freedom and confidence.

It was a massive shock when Roderick died on December 13th , 4 years ago, it wasn't the HIV, it was a heart attack, he was healthy, he was living and skipping through life. It would be at his funeral that I would address my entire family. I was unhappy that he was not being honoured for his achievements, yes he liked to party and had a drink too many but that's the way they knew him, I KNEW him. He was MORE than that.

As I addressed them, I thanked him for, for believing in me and for teaching me all about unconditional love. He saw the magic in me,  he gave me the opportunity that he never had as a teenager in the form of my education, sure I was given the tools but I did all the hard work.

That's what this 12Wbt is all about. There is no magic pill, no magic wand that you wave around and say, am I there yet?  It's hard work and it's about remaining true to yourself, no matter what life throws your way !!!!!  You may not know your potential ..... yet.

Dare to be different, be your own Freddie, Bowie, Elton John, Prince. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN KIND OF MAGIC !!!!!  Believe in yourself !!!!!!


The last thing I thanked Roderick for in front of his grave was the chance to take that apple ........... because that apple gave me that "office boy"  ....  Michael ......  & my two beautiful boys ......... who love me unconditionally. 



IT'S A KIND OF MAGIC

It's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic
A kind of magic - no way

One dream, one soul, one prize
One goal, one golden glance of what should be
It's a kind of magic

One shaft of light that shows the way
No mortal man can win this day
It's a kind of magic
The bell that rings inside your mind
Is challenging the doors of time
It's a kind of magic

The waiting seems eternity
The day will dawn of sanity
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Is this a kind of magic?
It's a kind of magic
There can be only one
This rage that lasts a thousand years
Will soon be done

This flame that burns inside of me
( From: http://www.elyrics.net )
I'm hearing secret harmonies
It's a kind of magic
The bell that rings inside your mind
Is challenging the doors of time

It's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic

This rage that lasts a thousand years
Will soon be, will soon be, will soon be done
This is (this is) a kind (a kind) of magic (yeah)
There can be only one one one one
This rage that lasts a thousand years
Will soon be done - done

Magic - it's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic
Magic magic magic (magic)
Ha ha ha haa - it's magic
Ha haa
Yeah yeah
Wooh
It's a kind of magic

Some Nights - Fun

I don't remember too much about the my first 12 weeks, I just put my head down, and did the same thing everyday, I burnt the calories I needed to and I ate PERFECTLY !! 

What I did remember though was doing pre-season and the question, What were my mini goals, and what did I want to achieve?

Gosh I had so much in that blank box .... um ......Loose weight ? That's all I wanted to do.  Didn't care what the number was, just as long as I didn't see 120 kgs on the scales and climbing.

By the first week, I thought, Oh I know what I want.  I want to do my buttons on my work shirt, without the fear of busting out of it. I would wear a Cami underneath my work clothes, in fear of busting out and I was so comfortable in every movement I made, always pulling at my top wishing it would stretch longer, to cover over my hips,  I just wanted to be comfortable.

As I set out for walks around the lake, I would strap my knee up in a brace, perhaps, it might be nice to not have to put on a brace, and have that niggling thought, is this the day my knee buckles?

So when the round finishes up , I don't really celebrate the 25 kilo weight loss, I'm proud of my effort, but I'm not over the top with it. I am happy but just know how much further I need to go until I am "happy" with my weight.  ( which I now see as 65-75kilos)   ......  Oh and no knee brace, that's gone from my essentials list too :)

I was so hesitant whether I was going to tackle the next round because of it's timing, Christmas, school holidays and EVERYTHING that goes with it, but I thought, no if you remain honest to yourself and just go with the flow and don't put expectations on yourself,  I will be all good, I'm not dropping my bundle, I'm just being realistic.

I know what my long term goal is, this isn't a race, this is a my own marathon. It's taken 18 years to get here, I know what sort of commitment it takes to do the hard work, and reaped the benefits of that. Just get the kids back to school , then you can hit the ground running again. I also just needed some time to adjust too.

Everywhere I go, especially at school, people want to comment all the time and I just needed to be mum and Anthea again, not the ever shrink Anthea. Anthea, the mum, the wife, who likes her own space.  Don't get me wrong it's lovely people are noticing and commenting but I kind of like being under the radar.

So when I sat down and wrote out my "objectives and goals" for this current round I made them not weight related because I actually didn't care about loosing weight.

Sounds ridiculous but I just wanted to "back myself" in other ways. It still makes me feel amazing, empowered and focused but just not dwelling on "the" number.

So what I wanted to do this round was to try different things, step out of my comfort zone. I wanted to test my body, I wanted to see if I could goal set and achieve in all area's.

Knowing that was my approach, I thought I would start blogging, to get the thought processes I have been having and feelings out, which I have found to be so rewarding. I really wondered if it was a bit self indulgent, but thought, what if other people can relate and see they aren't " alone", with the emotional side and the weight gain ?  I've been able to really work through a lot internally and accepting every thing that has happened, and still be stronger for going through the motions. So begin blogging,  TICKED & ACHIEVED.

Next thing - Wanting to try different things and pushing my body into things I never thought was possible, lets do the Cross trainer. Well that's now my choice of poison, I LOVE it, a bit addicted really, that by Christmas I will have one at home to combat that school holiday let down , that' I've had.  Trying something else also involved classes other than water, so I trusted my aqua instructor on a Monday night called Di.

Di takes many different classes & after aqua, zooms into CXworxs. Hmmmm how interesting, should I give this a go? Naturally I do ( because I trust her)  and the first night we do it outside in the open air, yet get bitten by mozzies, that doesn't stop me from making that a "regular" class after aqua. Then Di announces that she will be missing from CX, but will be taking body balance instead the following week.

Figured, well Anth, tick another box on the "something new".  This was very early into the start of the second round. I am amazed that every time I look into these mirrors, that are everywhere, I actually don't mind my reflection. Di keeps saying ask more from our body, stretch that body, take it to places you've never been before. I'm a bit lost and amazed in the moment, these bends and stretching just blows my mind. 14 weeks ago, I couldn't even bend, in my sit and reach I started at -27 and now I reach plus 5. I've never really "asked" my body to help me, nor have I truly respected my body, like I do right in this moment. Body balance is between Pilate's and yoga, no high intensity at all, yet you are pushing your limits. This is exactly what I was looking for, I wanted to be pushed out of my comfort zone. For the last 20 minutes, you are encouraged to meditate and let everything go, she plays this haunting music, and I am lost to my emotions. I put a towel over my head, anybody watching me would see my breathing is not right because I am sobbing underneath that towel. I am so enormously happy and proud of myself and how far I have come.  After the class Di asks, " Are you o-kay?"

My answer .......  no I'm not & I finally have that complete meltdown that was always coming and I just cry again. But I've done it & I am beyond proud of myself. Just that complete realisation that I'm going to be o-kay, and boy it was so nice to share that with someone who has also seen a big changes in me, another one of those breakthrough moments.

New classes CxWorx & Body Balance TICK & ACHIEVED.

I have 3 other things I want to do before the end of the round,  ride The aqua racer, TICK,  & climb 1000 steps twice.

So I drive myself over to 1000 steps in the wee hours of the morning and with my iphone I use that as my torch to shine my way up those steps at 5.15am. I want to do it , so I can still be home before my family wakes up. Without a care in the world, like I've been doing this forever, it is done, TICKED & ACHIEVED.

 

These are all really enormous things that before 12WBT, I could have never done. I physically and mentally could have never gone there. I suffered from depression, anxiety, trapped in an obese body, hell that was me locked away for 4 years, paralysed but here I was asking myself to push a bit more. It's not about weigh for me, it's about creating this whole amazing outlook for life

So every Wednesday before I step on the scales I know I haven't done enough to ask for a 1 kilo plus lost, I did that in my first round instead, I have just been wrapped that when I get on the scale I don't see a 1 kilo gain every 3 days because that was actually my reality before 12WBT.

Funny though, it's not the loosing a huge amount of weight, I've missed, it's the exercising. CRAZY, but I miss the exercise more than the weight loss.

So when Saturday rolls around I am hitting that SSS, with such grunt, I can't wait to sleep Friday night, just to do it !!!!

So a couple of weeks ago I asked my body, can you push just a little extra ?

Hmm appears about 14kms of walking/running and 2 aqua classes I can.


My gosh I shake my head and wonder who the hell am I?  This is not who I've ever been . Actually I am becoming that version of me that I've always wanted to be !!!!

My morals, values and loves are still there but I am actually just pretty o-kay with myself.  I'm more than o-kay. I'm fantastic !!!!!!

When I go to bed I no longer toss & turn and worry, all  that's gone and it's a really nice place I find myself in.

So yesterday I think, man you've made top 15%, which was a massive surprise, How about that wedding dress?

                                                YEP I CAN DO THAT TOO



I might not have that "weight loss" that most people might think is the most important thing. I have developed a really strong sense on who I am, what I want to achieve and I'm ticking off my own boxes.

So blogging was for this round, not sure if I will continue but thanks for following me, I'm going back to basics because the boys are back at school and I'm ready to work hard again, next round. I'm already in the process of making my goal list too.

Keep your mindset on that marathon, we are all going to run it differently, we all had the same starting point and we will cross that finish line when we are good and ready.

I still don't know what I stand for , I'm just learning each day,  where I've come from, where I'm going and who I want to be .

What I do know though is I've never been more balanced and happy, capable of goal setting and achieving and I'm o-kay with that .......... actually I'm really fantastic with that.

Ellie Goulding- Anything Could Happen

                                    June 2012- My grandparents me at 125kilos



" I'm proud of you"  Were the words ringing through my head when I hung up the phone. I felt really angry . How dare you be "proud of me ?"


Only proud in this moment?  I am so much more than a weight or a shape. There's a whole lot more to Anthea, than an "imagine" to see, if you really want to open you eyes and your mind.

My grandfather has always had an undertone in his voice and I could feel the disappointment in his eyes whenever he looked at me , I am 100 % sure because of my weight.  Fact was, I do love him but it's reserved, he has done things that I don't agree with and I too look at him with tainted the eyes.

My grandmother has taken over the void that my mother has left. I call her daily and for a very long time, I have held a lot of her advice as gospel and tried to live by her "approval" , but I always knew in the back of my mind that I did not agree with a lot she spoke of and that's apart of growing up too.  It's because he has looked after her and still remained with her that I love him and she adores him.

I speak of Frank & Grandma as if they are my natural grandparents, it never occurs to me that we are not of the same blood because the connection is there, they ( and my fathers parents) are the only grandparents I have ever known.

Grandma come from a very privilege background, very upper class, I still find it hard to believe she is from great standing from "back then" because she's just my grandma.

Her father was a politician for The State Parliament and was also being groomed for National status, he was also founder of LePines funeral parlour in Victoria and was given a state funeral when he passed and grandma laughs at the afternoon they had to host The Queen, on one of her Royal visits. My Nan ( dad's mother)  would always say, "you know she's very well to do". As a child I knew they lived in a fancy house but it didn't mean a great deal to me.

Money was never an issue for her family so grandma became a missionary, spreading her love of human kindness and keeping to the "upstanding", in the community.

(Funny she still does, we don't get presents we get a "donated" gift that goes to doctors without borders, and that's quite fine by me)

They were one of the first families to have cars and she would be chauffeured around to do her charity work.  To "uphold" the public image. In the 1950's she was taken down to Gippsland to Lake Tyres, an Aboriginal Mission, where they would check on the children's health.

This is where she made contact with my mother's family. 7 out of the 11 children were deaf, due to ear infections. When she saw my mother, her ears were closing over and she instantly fell in love with my mum.

So she asked permission for Helen to come to Melbourne so Gwyn could take care of her medical needs and save her hearing. There after, mum would go on school holidays with Gwyn.

When mum's family were moved to Aarat from the mission in Lake Tyres things got really messy, alcohol and violent abuse was introduced. My biological grandfather was killed in a hit run accident, and my biological grandmother, Mariah began drinking very heavily, such a dire mess for those 11 children to grow up in ( their story has been published by one of my Aunties and currently receiving awards around the country)

It was because of the children's welfare that they were all removed from my biological grandmother's care, every child was put into orphanages around the state, and I mean babies-16 year old, my mother was the only one who went into a "family" environment and she was fostered by Gwyn & Frank.

So fortunate that she had established a relationship with this "white" family, they had 3 boys, yet opened their hearts to my mother. One of their son's mates Tony, took a liking to mum and would eventually become my father.

Mariah, my biological grandmother never recovered from the grief of having her babies removed a wandered life aimlessly drunk and alone, until she was murdered, just after my mother and father had married, in 1972.

By this stage my mother too had very little to do with Mariah, I guess that's history repeating itself and it took me a really long time to understand that I wanted a relationship with "a mother" but how could I ever have that, if she never knew how to be one, when she never had it herself?

I understand who Helen (my mother ) is, I understand why she has her inner demons, but I just could not have that intense fighting and blame on me anymore.

I think I love my mother, I just can not have everything that comes packaged with her.

Stepping away sometimes is the easy way out but believe me it was a very emotional and gut wrenching, but really necessary for me to become a healthy, loving and strong wife for my husband and more importantly,  mother to my babies.

Generations of non mothers needed to stop !!!!  That was not going to be me, therefore I work everyday to love those babies of mine and to give them a mother I hope they they are PROUD of & THAT I AM PROUD OF !!!!!!!

So this word ...... PROUD ?

Why was I stumped for it to be coming from Frank?

I've really mulled over it, I actually felt like saying, bugger off , shouldn't you always be proud of me? Regardless of my weight?  But because I am "capable" of loosing weight, I am all of a sudden "worthy", of you attention, and your praise?

As a mother, I feel that every night I go to bed, sure those boys drive me banana's beyond belief, but I am a proud mother.

So it got me thinking about Nathan Buckley....... (yes so out of left field)  .  I am an Essendon Supporter, but have a great appreciation for AFL football as a whole. Michael is Collingwood, so I bought him Nathan Buckley's book. He has always intrigued me, his mother worked with my mother-in-law for a short time and they spent a lot of time around indigenous people.

In his preface he writes

" I don't care what you think of me. Never really have. If you like me, fine. If you don't, I won't loose sleep over it. I'm sure you have an opinion- perhaps a very strong one - but simply doesn't register with me because I've always had the perfect antidote: a thick skin it's almost impossible to penetrate.

Actually, let me qualify that. I care about what some people think of me - the people who know me - who I've worked closely with, and who I respect."

Ah that was it, people who know me and that I truly love and respect , that's who's opinions , I care about too.

When my first round finished and I had lost 25.2 kilos,  I felt so lost and overwhelmed. I had done it, I had achieved something I had never dreamt possible, and I did it. Had I done enough for top 20? Which I've explained my reasoning with Jenny, but overall I just stopped, I didn't exercise, I didn't have too.  I should have had all this energy but I had been running at full intensity that I couldn't even make the beds and I had also realised that during these final 2 weeks, I didn't stop and grieve Jenny.

Then there was a knock on my door, my girlfriend Lisa standing there.

Lisa employed me 16 years ago at Safeway, and has become one of "my girls", she has always just dropped everything for me, when I've needed her. When Zayd was born 6 weeks prem, Lisa was there, when Taj had surgery, Lisa was there. We don't necessarily spend a of time together but my gosh she is there when I need her and I love her immensely for caring for me.

Here she stood with a beautiful arrangement of flowers. My house was A MESS, I WAS A MESS, the front lawn had daisy's growing through it. WHAT? 

With a simple message, I just buckled in her embraced and I cried and I cried  for myself & I cried for Jenny.

It was just an enormous moment.

Now that made me feel like it came from the heart, from a special place because she knows me   !!!!!     Yes I felt and knew she was PROUD of me.

Before I stop and write my blogs , I think I know what I want to  be" themed", this one was to be about being "PROUD"  & what meaning it has to you, and who do you respect?

And my answer to both was the same ...... I am PROUD and I RESPECT .....     MYSELF.  

Such a simple concept but ever so hard to achieve & more importantly to "accept"


Once again my mind ticking over. Why?  ..... Why now?   ....... Why can this happen now ?  Why is it working now?   Why is this different to any other time?

Then I found this & it nailed  EVERYTHING FOR ME

 

 

And with that I am ready to embrace the next round with The Boys back at school

 

 

WHAT WILL YOU BE PROUD OF ?

 

With the right ATTITUDE

 

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN

 

                                                      January 2013 at 88kilos

LIFE & You Gotta Be - Des'ree

 

Life - Des'ree

 

So after all is said and done
I know I'm not the only one
Life indeed can be fun, if you really want to

Sometimes living out your dreams,
Ain't as easy as it seems
You wanna fly around the world,
In a beautiful balloon

 

 

 

 

 

I just don't think I can do it, I just don't think I really can do this is what I told myself with everything I did, especially with weightloss.

 

Why bother, when anything I've ever done in relation to weight loss has ever failed me?

The programs don't work. Am I just wasting my money?  ( well Michael's money, he's the "main" provider)   I know me, I 've never stuck to anything, life just gets too busy and I need to be here, I need to be there, I'm tired and I guess, this is who I am . I am Anthea, I'm no-one really important, I'm just pretty empty actually.

I know my children love me, and I think my husband loves me.  It's not that he has said or done anything wrong, he is a wonderful man, but I am just not living up to my end of the bargain. This is not the wife and mother I imagined I would be. I am trapped inside an ugly, fat, repulsive, revolting body. It wouldn't surprise me, if one day he turns around and said, " I just don't find you attractive anymore, I think I love you but you are unattractive" .......    Do you know why?  Because that's what I saw every time I looked into the mirror, everyday when I was carrying 125 kilos. I was an unattractive person, when you tell yourself that, you live it, you breathe it, you walk it, with your head down and you're trying to move  but it's so hard to move when to feel like you are cemented into a place you know, you don't want to be, but I'm stuck !!!! It was a bloody hard place to be.

There's no escaping the obvious, yet I was escaping the responsibility. IT WAS ALL MY DOING. I WAS THE ONLY PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERY CHOICE, EVERY ACTION  .........THAT WAS ME !!!!!

My husband told me he loved me, just as my father told my mother but I just couldn't convince myself  that he could because I didn't like me too much either.

Like I have said before I was physically there with my family, but Michael was the "fun" parent, he was the one ABLE to do things with them.

My body & my attitude never allowed me to be "present". All those excuses, they were ringing loud and clear in my head like an echo.

It would take 21 weeks of 12WBT for me to tell you, I have re-joined my family, and that's what this blog is about it's about two amazing songs from Des'ree called Life & You Gotta be.

It felt like a hard slog in those first 8 weeks, still that self doubt I had no idea where it would lead me, I just knew it was perfect for me because I'm a planner, I have my systems. If we have a trip to take, I would make a list a few days before, tick everything off as I packed it, the car was filled with petrol the night before & cash was in the purse just in case something came up.

So 12 WBT absolutely fitted my tendencies to have a method. Even when I was doing weight watchers, I would plan every meal and have my snacks ready. If I didn't do this I WASN"T DOING IT, I was all or nothing ........ that's why it previously never worked because of Michelle Bridges simple saying ..... Failing to plan is planning to fail.

It's not like I woke up and boom I was loosing weight, I have worked damn hard to get my results.  I was doing all the right things, it just works.  I just did the same thing every week, I menu planned at the same time, I shopped at the same time and I made sure I hit those calorie burn.

Over 100 kilos - I would burn 600-800 calories for 5 days a week, with a rest day & SSS at 1000 calories

Under 100 kilos- Between 400-600 a day for 5 days a week, with a rest day & SSS at 1000 calories.

Plus eating my allocated calories, it simply works. Oh & one other MAJOR thing, my internal thought process has changed, this is not a diet, this is a complete  ( Des'ree) "LIFE' changing attitude, this is who I am , this is what I need to do, I need to do this  EVERY HOUR , EVERY DAY, EVERY WEEK.  If I want this process to work. I need to be consistent.

I really encourage people to write down a wish list of things they would like to do. Set some non-weight challenges, my first round challenge was to climb the 1000 steps.( At the end of this round I want to do those stairs twice)

My challenges for this round, was to try things I've never done before  which I have done.  I have discovered an obsession with the Cross trainer, a piece of equipment I could NEVER see myself using,  ( nor had I stepped on one until this round, once again, I just don't think I can do it but I do)  I am doing CXWorks, Body Balance, I am doing interval running ( all things I have NEVER done before this round)   &  I want to fit into my wedding dress (saving that for week 12 ). These were my challenges for this round,  it was not about a KILO weight loss, it was about setting challenges and achieving them .

I truly believe I was so successful in my first round because I didn't care about the number, I cared about Jenny & just getting myself right. For me , it's not about THE NUMBER, it's about hitting those challenges & those numbers.

So on Thursday I began planning that road trip. After doing to much reflection on my childhood and especially my friends, it was time to go home to Ocean Grove, I needed to see Tara and I needed to forefill a commitment to myself, this was all about the aqua racer.

When we were in Queensland, I was sitting just above 100 kilos, in October 2012. I sat there watching my family in the glorious sunshine. I was feeling pleased with myself for having almost lost 20kgs, but the thought of climbing those stairs, all the way to the top, if I think too much, heights could actually scare me, then to get to the top and kneel down on top a mat. God the fear of my knees buckling under my weight,  I had already replayed the scene over and over my head a thousand times of what could & would go wrong. So I sat there thinking , yes I've come a long way but I have such a long way to go and once again I wasn't apart of my families fun. That I can still leave to Michael but at least I am getting there, I am, and I will do that. If I remain focused and consistent, I will be doing that.

As we walked through the gates at Adventure Park, 3 months after our QLD holiday,  all I could think about was doing it, I had to just do it. I don't care that it's not hot yet, I'm here to do one thing, I am here to climb that aqua racer.

We walked around to suss out what was where. What I could see , were a lot of over weight people sitting under the shade and they looked uncomfortable, they looked sad, hot and uncomfortable, I walk past them thinking, I so know who you are because you are me, 4 months ago. ( It's funny how I have this need to want people to feel like me but I also know it has to come from within the individual too)

We head to the " Lazy River" first, and the tubes come floating down, then I think oh crap, at wet and wild, I couldn't even fit the tube over my wait, I had to lay on my tummy & kick, because I just didn't fit. Well the damn thing goes over without any easy. But it's the balance and I try to over correct myself and tip over, legs and bum pointing to the sk, as I look up, Michael ia roaring with laughter at me ( this is a very happy moment because he is smiling and loving me)  .  I eventually jump and flip my legs out and float, just like a skinny person, no one knows that I am any different, I am just blending in.

Then we made our way over to the paddle boats. Ask me 6 months ago, the answer would be NO, but having 2 children now that are at the age , where one understands they will miss out because only one parent will go on the ride with them , is hard to explain. It was really quite bizarre to go over to the life jackets & just put one on, just a "normal" adult life jacket fitted me. I have always come accustomed to going the XXL or it not even fitting me. So off we went paddling around a lake on the paddle boat, it was easy, comfortable,having fun and burning calories, I  was even  able to bare my weight on my knees and legs to get out of the boat onto the jetty all these things that once upon a time stopped me.

Then the sidetracking had been done ....... it was time. 

Michael & the boys had no idea how many thoughts were going through my head. I lined up to grab my mat. My 5 year old screamed, WHAT ? Mum's getting a mat too? I thought YES MATE, I SO am .

 I think I saw every wet footprint on the path going up to the top, and I ensured I got the middle lane, so I couldn't see over the sides, I didn't look at my family, I just concentrated on putting the mat down, holding on and keeping my grip.  I thought it's just a yoga mat like CX, when that buzzer goes, you are doing it.

The buzzer goes and so do I, it doesn't seem that high because I have my eyes firmly on the first bump, then I loose all perspective because I am airborne, OMG, where is that slide ? I can't feel it beneath my body.  It's like I am flying and for the very, very first time, I wished my guts had that 35 kilos on it, to weigh me down. I got to the bottom with the rush of fear and excitement all at the same time. I still had to bounce to my legs, because I had replayed that in my head too, that I would be stuck unable to lift myself off the ground and the running water underneath my feet. I did that without any care in the world.

I asked Michael, what my face was like when it had finished and he said, "Anth, you looked really scared, but then you smiled. I just didn't realise , that was so hard for you, but you still did it".

And wasn't that the truth ....... this whole wishing to be different, to be in an improved body, to begin something and finish it, it is so scary, it is so hard, but by god isn't it all worth it, just to smile again .......  to be apart of my family again. It was worth every self doubt and it was worth every hard step.  This is the 12WBT, this a whole new "LIFE" for me


YOU GOTTA BE

THIS IS ME HAVING A MOMENT OF WOWNESS & THIS IS MY DAY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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