Better Than - The John Butler Trio

I heard my girlfriend say to me, the other day " You know, I think I might be able to find the time to exercise, if only , I wasn't so busy ...........  I just think,  I like my life this way because MAKING OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY .........MAKES ME HAPPY.

It was like I was having an outer body experience, I was observing but rewinding to 5 months ago. This was me, that was my standard line ......  Making other people makes me happy.

I still love being spontaneous and the reaction of people feeling amazing if I have made them happy, but there is a completely different pay off and it doesn't cost me anything ..... anymore.

For the longest time I was forever trying to please people, to do the right thing, to say the right thing, even if I was so super tired from not sleeping the night before, I would be the good friend, the good helper, but I was so empty. I was running on empty all the time, I never knew how to say to myself, stop and recover and only take on what you can because you are just as important.

In my first round, I powered through, my weeks, I had too.  I actually was in survival mode but when the round was coming to a grinding end, I just wanted to push myself that little bit extra to hit 25kgs, oh the pressure I put on myself.

When I saw that loss on the last Wednesday, I could have just dropped on the floor like they did in, " The time warp", from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I made it.  Had I done enough for Top 20?  I certainly surpassed any expectations I might have had, I actually just wanted to loose 5-10 kilos, but I just felt empty again.

I didn't celebrate me at all, I actually just cried. I've never had such mixed emotions, I was so enormously proud of my commitment to myself and my strength, yet I missed Jenny.
 
Because I went so hard, for such a long time, I thought I would give myself a couple of days off between rounds and "live/ relax". I did no exercise (for 4 days) and had one meal out.

That was OMG, to me, I was living on the edge, I dare not have a soft drink though, that's just too far out of the comfort zone I had now created.

So it's no surprise now when I look back at my first round that I did not start well. It's not that I did anything wrong, I just didn't do everything right.

So when this round was coming to an end, I put NO weight requirement on myself, I set my other non-weight goals, and ticked all of them off, and when I got my 15% email & finished off my blog, I thought. I'M DONE. I'm looking after me in a whole different way.

For a week and a bit, I caught up with girlfriends, I went out for meals, I was on a weeks holiday from work, to settle my preppie into his first year of school and I am just removing myself from 12wbt. It was planned but I just needed to back off.

I certainly didn't go out and eat pizza and soft drink and ice-cream ...... everyday :)

My biggest splurge was a bowl of mixed sorbets & I ate chocolate before I went to bed.

Let me tell you before I ate those chocolate bars before bed, I felt like I was punishing myself. Like nan forcing me to eat brussel sprouts, when I knew it was the last thing on earth I wanted to do, but I knew why I was doing it. I did NO exercise ( for 7 days)  and I felt sooooooo awful, it was planned, I completely knew that's what I wanted to feel. Controlled awfulness.

This was the way I choose to lead my life for so many years, I never knew what a calorie was, little more than burn a calorie?  I ate before bed and never had a good nights sleep. That's where I wanted to push myself, I want to push myself back to feeling revolting.

I went shopping and I could not concentrate on anything, I was sluggish, I couldn't hold a conversation, absolutely had no concentration. All I wanted to do was go to bed and stay there. My body was just rebelling. I needed to feel this way, I needed to remember all the emotional feelings I had with not respecting myself. I even wore my big clothes, and my old undies. Terrible, I felt terrible.

It was a hard week when blood tests from my son had come back that he needed further testing to see if he was diabetic, so in & out of hospital I would go too.  

As well as planning this, I planned my FULL medical check-up. Perfect timing to remember because it's in between rounds. The nurse and doctor were amazed at my progress and they also made up treatment plan for my 12 weeks.

I asked for my birth control ( IUD)  change over, for my bloods to be taken and to have my breasts checked. Just like that car, I am in empty and I was pulling in for a full service.

The doctor cleared my right breast,  that was painful  one that I was worried about but she found a lump in my left breast, which is completely amazing because I can't feel it. Looks like in this week, I am to have 2 hospital visits, 2 ultrasounds and a mammogram.  All of these were add ons, to a week that was suppose to be unplanned.

What I was most looking forward to was the Dexa Scan , which I had booked in November, for the end of the round ( February).

Michelle Bridges had recommended getting one and I thought, I would love that, as its a totally new measurement, other than kilos and cm's and something to base this new round on. Come and hit it from a different angle and a whole new measurement for me, to combine with the full medical from the doctor too.

It took about 5 minutes for the scan to move over my body. I just lay there still, as he explained what the scan was introduced for, it began as a bone density measuring tool for mainly to  detect osteoporosis in the bones, but is used a lot in the fitness industry now, especially body builders and athletes.

When I hoped off he then explained area's of information that the scan revealed. It was totally mind blowing. I was only wishing that I had seen him in August. He was just amazed at my weight loss, but when he went through my body make-up, it become really clear why my body had reacted the way it had, to the program.

The beauty is that the scan weighs every part of your body, what your fat mass is, what are the leaner parts of your body and where your muscles lay.

It tells me to the exact kilos and target weight I should be aiming for and based on all my own personal body make up, how many calories I should use in a day to burn fat from my body and my exact calorie intake, to maintain that weight. Which was exactly what I was after. How do I make it,  that this is ME for the rest of my life?  With this type of scientific information I know exactly what makes me tick. I will under go this process another 2 times to compare changes in my make-up.

So for now, it's still about stripping off the fat layers which is all the yellow/ orange layers, then to turn what's remaining into shades of pink and purple. So for the moment it is about still calories in and calories out. The rest is my longer term goals but this gives me higher goals to aim for and just a brand new measurements.

                                      What a leaner, fat reduced body looks like



So yes I have had an enormous 2 weeks of internal and external testings. Taj was cleared of juvenile diabetes, my birth control is in, awaiting results from the breast scans, and surprisingly my blood pressure is spot on.

I can't help but wonder, how much 12wbt has played in all this?   If it wasn't between rounds, would I have insisted on having all of these tests & measurements done?

Would she have felt my lump if I had all that extra layer of fat there?

Would I still have my IUD in,  it really should have been taken out 5 year ago, but I was "too busy".

Why did I leave all these things? I suspect because I was telling myself that my happiness was making other people happy but re-doing everything wrong for that week and a bit, only proved to me how bloody important I am, and my OWN happiness should be just as important  !!!!! Bigger picture, my own HEALTH IS PARAMOUNT !!!!!

I am thinking through my passed 2 weeks I am still tired, I've had a range thoughts but I just don't entertain any negatives and what if's?  Until we know what we are dealing with. 

What's the point?   Just sit back and relax & don't look back on life and only see tragic.  ( Better Than) .   I now prefer to set those goals for life and I will achieve them !!!!!





"Better Than"

All you want is
What you can't have
And if you just look around man
You see you got magic
So just sit back relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life man and only see tragic

Because you could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better

All the time while you're looking away
There are things you can do man
There's things you can say
To the the ones you're with
With whom you're spending your today
Get your gaze off tomorrow
And let come what may

Because you could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better

All I know is sometimes things can be hard
But you should know by now
They come and they go
So why, oh why
Do I look to the other side
'Cause I know the grass is greener but
Just as hard to mow

Life's not about what's better than.

All you want is
What you can't have
And if you just look around man
You see you got magic
So just sit back relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life man and only see tragic

Because
You could be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than now
Life's not about what's better than

 

Queen. It's a kind of magic

I heard the other day, that it was over 20 years ago, that the world was in complete shock that one of  " The superstars", of the game of basketball, Magic Johnson, had declared his sudden announcement he was retiring because he had contracted, HIV.

Which got me thinking about my next blog, do I ......  don't I ?   I wasn't going to but it does help my thought process and people respond to my blogging ..... and that I love.

So I am thinking about this song choice, for this blog ?  Yes I have to have at least one Freddie. I had such an obsession with the different performers, Elton John, David Bowie, Prince, Freddie Mercury.

 Why?  Because they dared to be different. They didn't care what people thought of them .... perhaps they did, but to the world, they dared to be proud & original. I completely admired their fearlessness, as a young person, discovering the world, I had no idea who I wanted to be, but I knew I liked strong people.

At the time of all the HIV hysteria, I was still very young, all I really knew about HIV, was very little and that scary, scary advertising campaign of the grim reaper, bowling the bowling ball down the alley. 

How much little information we knew, yet it was an awful time. Around about this time I would watch over and over again, my very black, deaf, homosexual uncle who battled to remain sober, be beaten many times because he choose a different lifestyle.

Fighting for his life in hospital. just became the norm. I really couldn't understand any of it. He was my beautiful, beautiful uncle, how could people be so ugly?  So what if he loved another man? I just didn't get it. I guess I feel very fortunate to have actually lived that because it did teach me unconditional love.

He was actually very intelligent but being Aboriginal he never really had much opportunity to excel at anything, he didn't trust his ability.

Does that sound a bit familiar?  He could be the biggest supporter & cheerleader to everybody else, yet never saw his own ability and what could be possible for himself.  Hmmmmm ??????

He was always one of my biggest supporters and really encouraged me to come up to Melbourne to study a Year 12 equivalent at Monash University. During my High school Year 12, my mum decided to go AWOL and is it no wonder I failed miserably.

I would live with him at my grandma's house. every morning we would sit there beaming and discussing our day ahead. He was the student co-ordinator & I was one of his students.  One morning he woke up and he was most odd, I couldn't put my finger on it, I asked but he said, " I want to tell you something, but not yet", "O-kay, when you're ready , I will be here", was my reply . I waited a few more days, that odd hesitant look  ...... but nothing. I waited.......Until it came out, from nowhere.

" Anth, will you still love me if I tell you something?". " Roderick, of course I will, I've loved you all my life."  ........ " I need you to know I have HIV".

I can't remember anything but getting up from my chair and wrapping my arms around him and bursting into tear, my tears were because he trusted me, what a secret, but he trusted me, and I needed him to know, I would still have physical contact with him, the disease he carried but he was not the disease !!!!!

I would carry that around with me, and to tell you the truth, I actually forgot, it wasn't even important to me, he was just my Uncle.

At the beginning of the (Uni) school year. I would tart myself up because the "office boy", was rather delicious. I would put contacts in my eyes, which would always look red raw by the end of the day, I would wear make up which gave me panda eyes  all to impress this boy. The office boy was so shy, that I doubt he ever popped his head up to notice.

Then the office boy had to take us for a tour of the campus. Oh wow, here is my one and only opportunity to get him to notice me, so I thought all morning, make sure you say something that makes you outstanding to him. So I approach him, thinking, intelligent, sophisticated, amazing, that's what you need to be. As I open my mouth to ask him the question, all that came out of my mouth was ........ Can I take an apple with me ???????  Ha, WHAT  ????????  I just turned my back and begged the world to open up swallow me. I had that moment to shine, to weave my own type of magic but epic FAIL !!!!!!

Roderick and I laughed, and laughed all the way home. What a fool I was, meticulous planning and that's what it all amounts to was a question about an apple.

I went through and made great friendships with the staff and when I needed help, I asked for it. I studied, Law, Biology, English, History. To achieve your pass mark you had to pass everything by 75%  to get your Year 12 and acceptance into Uni. I had never applied myself with my education and being so far away from home was perfect, because it was all about me, I was so proud of myself. I managed to still hold my week-end job running the deli department in Ocean Grove and study all at 21.

I received really great marks and was accepted into an Arts degree, I went to a few classes but thought, great topics, history, sociology & anthropology, but what to I do at the end of it? I would then try hospitality as well and pass that, but I eventually become a Deli Manager, something I was always good at, and at the end of the day I LOVED it.

I haven't stopped to count the years that have passed but 20 sounds like a hell of a lot, since that Magic Johnson press conference. I got married, had two beautiful boys and I would watch Roderick overcome his alcohol addiction and become one of the first recipients of a cholera ear implant, which would CHANGE his world FOREVER, and my god, he soared and painted the sky with rainbows with his new found freedom and confidence.

It was a massive shock when Roderick died on December 13th , 4 years ago, it wasn't the HIV, it was a heart attack, he was healthy, he was living and skipping through life. It would be at his funeral that I would address my entire family. I was unhappy that he was not being honoured for his achievements, yes he liked to party and had a drink too many but that's the way they knew him, I KNEW him. He was MORE than that.

As I addressed them, I thanked him for, for believing in me and for teaching me all about unconditional love. He saw the magic in me,  he gave me the opportunity that he never had as a teenager in the form of my education, sure I was given the tools but I did all the hard work.

That's what this 12Wbt is all about. There is no magic pill, no magic wand that you wave around and say, am I there yet?  It's hard work and it's about remaining true to yourself, no matter what life throws your way !!!!!  You may not know your potential ..... yet.

Dare to be different, be your own Freddie, Bowie, Elton John, Prince. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN KIND OF MAGIC !!!!!  Believe in yourself !!!!!!


The last thing I thanked Roderick for in front of his grave was the chance to take that apple ........... because that apple gave me that "office boy"  ....  Michael ......  & my two beautiful boys ......... who love me unconditionally. 



IT'S A KIND OF MAGIC

It's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic
A kind of magic - no way

One dream, one soul, one prize
One goal, one golden glance of what should be
It's a kind of magic

One shaft of light that shows the way
No mortal man can win this day
It's a kind of magic
The bell that rings inside your mind
Is challenging the doors of time
It's a kind of magic

The waiting seems eternity
The day will dawn of sanity
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Is this a kind of magic?
It's a kind of magic
There can be only one
This rage that lasts a thousand years
Will soon be done

This flame that burns inside of me
( From: http://www.elyrics.net )
I'm hearing secret harmonies
It's a kind of magic
The bell that rings inside your mind
Is challenging the doors of time

It's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic

This rage that lasts a thousand years
Will soon be, will soon be, will soon be done
This is (this is) a kind (a kind) of magic (yeah)
There can be only one one one one
This rage that lasts a thousand years
Will soon be done - done

Magic - it's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic
Magic magic magic (magic)
Ha ha ha haa - it's magic
Ha haa
Yeah yeah
Wooh
It's a kind of magic

Some Nights - Fun

I don't remember too much about the my first 12 weeks, I just put my head down, and did the same thing everyday, I burnt the calories I needed to and I ate PERFECTLY !! 

What I did remember though was doing pre-season and the question, What were my mini goals, and what did I want to achieve?

Gosh I had so much in that blank box .... um ......Loose weight ? That's all I wanted to do.  Didn't care what the number was, just as long as I didn't see 120 kgs on the scales and climbing.

By the first week, I thought, Oh I know what I want.  I want to do my buttons on my work shirt, without the fear of busting out of it. I would wear a Cami underneath my work clothes, in fear of busting out and I was so comfortable in every movement I made, always pulling at my top wishing it would stretch longer, to cover over my hips,  I just wanted to be comfortable.

As I set out for walks around the lake, I would strap my knee up in a brace, perhaps, it might be nice to not have to put on a brace, and have that niggling thought, is this the day my knee buckles?

So when the round finishes up , I don't really celebrate the 25 kilo weight loss, I'm proud of my effort, but I'm not over the top with it. I am happy but just know how much further I need to go until I am "happy" with my weight.  ( which I now see as 65-75kilos)   ......  Oh and no knee brace, that's gone from my essentials list too :)

I was so hesitant whether I was going to tackle the next round because of it's timing, Christmas, school holidays and EVERYTHING that goes with it, but I thought, no if you remain honest to yourself and just go with the flow and don't put expectations on yourself,  I will be all good, I'm not dropping my bundle, I'm just being realistic.

I know what my long term goal is, this isn't a race, this is a my own marathon. It's taken 18 years to get here, I know what sort of commitment it takes to do the hard work, and reaped the benefits of that. Just get the kids back to school , then you can hit the ground running again. I also just needed some time to adjust too.

Everywhere I go, especially at school, people want to comment all the time and I just needed to be mum and Anthea again, not the ever shrink Anthea. Anthea, the mum, the wife, who likes her own space.  Don't get me wrong it's lovely people are noticing and commenting but I kind of like being under the radar.

So when I sat down and wrote out my "objectives and goals" for this current round I made them not weight related because I actually didn't care about loosing weight.

Sounds ridiculous but I just wanted to "back myself" in other ways. It still makes me feel amazing, empowered and focused but just not dwelling on "the" number.

So what I wanted to do this round was to try different things, step out of my comfort zone. I wanted to test my body, I wanted to see if I could goal set and achieve in all area's.

Knowing that was my approach, I thought I would start blogging, to get the thought processes I have been having and feelings out, which I have found to be so rewarding. I really wondered if it was a bit self indulgent, but thought, what if other people can relate and see they aren't " alone", with the emotional side and the weight gain ?  I've been able to really work through a lot internally and accepting every thing that has happened, and still be stronger for going through the motions. So begin blogging,  TICKED & ACHIEVED.

Next thing - Wanting to try different things and pushing my body into things I never thought was possible, lets do the Cross trainer. Well that's now my choice of poison, I LOVE it, a bit addicted really, that by Christmas I will have one at home to combat that school holiday let down , that' I've had.  Trying something else also involved classes other than water, so I trusted my aqua instructor on a Monday night called Di.

Di takes many different classes & after aqua, zooms into CXworxs. Hmmmm how interesting, should I give this a go? Naturally I do ( because I trust her)  and the first night we do it outside in the open air, yet get bitten by mozzies, that doesn't stop me from making that a "regular" class after aqua. Then Di announces that she will be missing from CX, but will be taking body balance instead the following week.

Figured, well Anth, tick another box on the "something new".  This was very early into the start of the second round. I am amazed that every time I look into these mirrors, that are everywhere, I actually don't mind my reflection. Di keeps saying ask more from our body, stretch that body, take it to places you've never been before. I'm a bit lost and amazed in the moment, these bends and stretching just blows my mind. 14 weeks ago, I couldn't even bend, in my sit and reach I started at -27 and now I reach plus 5. I've never really "asked" my body to help me, nor have I truly respected my body, like I do right in this moment. Body balance is between Pilate's and yoga, no high intensity at all, yet you are pushing your limits. This is exactly what I was looking for, I wanted to be pushed out of my comfort zone. For the last 20 minutes, you are encouraged to meditate and let everything go, she plays this haunting music, and I am lost to my emotions. I put a towel over my head, anybody watching me would see my breathing is not right because I am sobbing underneath that towel. I am so enormously happy and proud of myself and how far I have come.  After the class Di asks, " Are you o-kay?"

My answer .......  no I'm not & I finally have that complete meltdown that was always coming and I just cry again. But I've done it & I am beyond proud of myself. Just that complete realisation that I'm going to be o-kay, and boy it was so nice to share that with someone who has also seen a big changes in me, another one of those breakthrough moments.

New classes CxWorx & Body Balance TICK & ACHIEVED.

I have 3 other things I want to do before the end of the round,  ride The aqua racer, TICK,  & climb 1000 steps twice.

So I drive myself over to 1000 steps in the wee hours of the morning and with my iphone I use that as my torch to shine my way up those steps at 5.15am. I want to do it , so I can still be home before my family wakes up. Without a care in the world, like I've been doing this forever, it is done, TICKED & ACHIEVED.

 

These are all really enormous things that before 12WBT, I could have never done. I physically and mentally could have never gone there. I suffered from depression, anxiety, trapped in an obese body, hell that was me locked away for 4 years, paralysed but here I was asking myself to push a bit more. It's not about weigh for me, it's about creating this whole amazing outlook for life

So every Wednesday before I step on the scales I know I haven't done enough to ask for a 1 kilo plus lost, I did that in my first round instead, I have just been wrapped that when I get on the scale I don't see a 1 kilo gain every 3 days because that was actually my reality before 12WBT.

Funny though, it's not the loosing a huge amount of weight, I've missed, it's the exercising. CRAZY, but I miss the exercise more than the weight loss.

So when Saturday rolls around I am hitting that SSS, with such grunt, I can't wait to sleep Friday night, just to do it !!!!

So a couple of weeks ago I asked my body, can you push just a little extra ?

Hmm appears about 14kms of walking/running and 2 aqua classes I can.


My gosh I shake my head and wonder who the hell am I?  This is not who I've ever been . Actually I am becoming that version of me that I've always wanted to be !!!!

My morals, values and loves are still there but I am actually just pretty o-kay with myself.  I'm more than o-kay. I'm fantastic !!!!!!

When I go to bed I no longer toss & turn and worry, all  that's gone and it's a really nice place I find myself in.

So yesterday I think, man you've made top 15%, which was a massive surprise, How about that wedding dress?

                                                YEP I CAN DO THAT TOO



I might not have that "weight loss" that most people might think is the most important thing. I have developed a really strong sense on who I am, what I want to achieve and I'm ticking off my own boxes.

So blogging was for this round, not sure if I will continue but thanks for following me, I'm going back to basics because the boys are back at school and I'm ready to work hard again, next round. I'm already in the process of making my goal list too.

Keep your mindset on that marathon, we are all going to run it differently, we all had the same starting point and we will cross that finish line when we are good and ready.

I still don't know what I stand for , I'm just learning each day,  where I've come from, where I'm going and who I want to be .

What I do know though is I've never been more balanced and happy, capable of goal setting and achieving and I'm o-kay with that .......... actually I'm really fantastic with that.

Ellie Goulding- Anything Could Happen

                                    June 2012- My grandparents me at 125kilos



" I'm proud of you"  Were the words ringing through my head when I hung up the phone. I felt really angry . How dare you be "proud of me ?"


Only proud in this moment?  I am so much more than a weight or a shape. There's a whole lot more to Anthea, than an "imagine" to see, if you really want to open you eyes and your mind.

My grandfather has always had an undertone in his voice and I could feel the disappointment in his eyes whenever he looked at me , I am 100 % sure because of my weight.  Fact was, I do love him but it's reserved, he has done things that I don't agree with and I too look at him with tainted the eyes.

My grandmother has taken over the void that my mother has left. I call her daily and for a very long time, I have held a lot of her advice as gospel and tried to live by her "approval" , but I always knew in the back of my mind that I did not agree with a lot she spoke of and that's apart of growing up too.  It's because he has looked after her and still remained with her that I love him and she adores him.

I speak of Frank & Grandma as if they are my natural grandparents, it never occurs to me that we are not of the same blood because the connection is there, they ( and my fathers parents) are the only grandparents I have ever known.

Grandma come from a very privilege background, very upper class, I still find it hard to believe she is from great standing from "back then" because she's just my grandma.

Her father was a politician for The State Parliament and was also being groomed for National status, he was also founder of LePines funeral parlour in Victoria and was given a state funeral when he passed and grandma laughs at the afternoon they had to host The Queen, on one of her Royal visits. My Nan ( dad's mother)  would always say, "you know she's very well to do". As a child I knew they lived in a fancy house but it didn't mean a great deal to me.

Money was never an issue for her family so grandma became a missionary, spreading her love of human kindness and keeping to the "upstanding", in the community.

(Funny she still does, we don't get presents we get a "donated" gift that goes to doctors without borders, and that's quite fine by me)

They were one of the first families to have cars and she would be chauffeured around to do her charity work.  To "uphold" the public image. In the 1950's she was taken down to Gippsland to Lake Tyres, an Aboriginal Mission, where they would check on the children's health.

This is where she made contact with my mother's family. 7 out of the 11 children were deaf, due to ear infections. When she saw my mother, her ears were closing over and she instantly fell in love with my mum.

So she asked permission for Helen to come to Melbourne so Gwyn could take care of her medical needs and save her hearing. There after, mum would go on school holidays with Gwyn.

When mum's family were moved to Aarat from the mission in Lake Tyres things got really messy, alcohol and violent abuse was introduced. My biological grandfather was killed in a hit run accident, and my biological grandmother, Mariah began drinking very heavily, such a dire mess for those 11 children to grow up in ( their story has been published by one of my Aunties and currently receiving awards around the country)

It was because of the children's welfare that they were all removed from my biological grandmother's care, every child was put into orphanages around the state, and I mean babies-16 year old, my mother was the only one who went into a "family" environment and she was fostered by Gwyn & Frank.

So fortunate that she had established a relationship with this "white" family, they had 3 boys, yet opened their hearts to my mother. One of their son's mates Tony, took a liking to mum and would eventually become my father.

Mariah, my biological grandmother never recovered from the grief of having her babies removed a wandered life aimlessly drunk and alone, until she was murdered, just after my mother and father had married, in 1972.

By this stage my mother too had very little to do with Mariah, I guess that's history repeating itself and it took me a really long time to understand that I wanted a relationship with "a mother" but how could I ever have that, if she never knew how to be one, when she never had it herself?

I understand who Helen (my mother ) is, I understand why she has her inner demons, but I just could not have that intense fighting and blame on me anymore.

I think I love my mother, I just can not have everything that comes packaged with her.

Stepping away sometimes is the easy way out but believe me it was a very emotional and gut wrenching, but really necessary for me to become a healthy, loving and strong wife for my husband and more importantly,  mother to my babies.

Generations of non mothers needed to stop !!!!  That was not going to be me, therefore I work everyday to love those babies of mine and to give them a mother I hope they they are PROUD of & THAT I AM PROUD OF !!!!!!!

So this word ...... PROUD ?

Why was I stumped for it to be coming from Frank?

I've really mulled over it, I actually felt like saying, bugger off , shouldn't you always be proud of me? Regardless of my weight?  But because I am "capable" of loosing weight, I am all of a sudden "worthy", of you attention, and your praise?

As a mother, I feel that every night I go to bed, sure those boys drive me banana's beyond belief, but I am a proud mother.

So it got me thinking about Nathan Buckley....... (yes so out of left field)  .  I am an Essendon Supporter, but have a great appreciation for AFL football as a whole. Michael is Collingwood, so I bought him Nathan Buckley's book. He has always intrigued me, his mother worked with my mother-in-law for a short time and they spent a lot of time around indigenous people.

In his preface he writes

" I don't care what you think of me. Never really have. If you like me, fine. If you don't, I won't loose sleep over it. I'm sure you have an opinion- perhaps a very strong one - but simply doesn't register with me because I've always had the perfect antidote: a thick skin it's almost impossible to penetrate.

Actually, let me qualify that. I care about what some people think of me - the people who know me - who I've worked closely with, and who I respect."

Ah that was it, people who know me and that I truly love and respect , that's who's opinions , I care about too.

When my first round finished and I had lost 25.2 kilos,  I felt so lost and overwhelmed. I had done it, I had achieved something I had never dreamt possible, and I did it. Had I done enough for top 20? Which I've explained my reasoning with Jenny, but overall I just stopped, I didn't exercise, I didn't have too.  I should have had all this energy but I had been running at full intensity that I couldn't even make the beds and I had also realised that during these final 2 weeks, I didn't stop and grieve Jenny.

Then there was a knock on my door, my girlfriend Lisa standing there.

Lisa employed me 16 years ago at Safeway, and has become one of "my girls", she has always just dropped everything for me, when I've needed her. When Zayd was born 6 weeks prem, Lisa was there, when Taj had surgery, Lisa was there. We don't necessarily spend a of time together but my gosh she is there when I need her and I love her immensely for caring for me.

Here she stood with a beautiful arrangement of flowers. My house was A MESS, I WAS A MESS, the front lawn had daisy's growing through it. WHAT? 

With a simple message, I just buckled in her embraced and I cried and I cried  for myself & I cried for Jenny.

It was just an enormous moment.

Now that made me feel like it came from the heart, from a special place because she knows me   !!!!!     Yes I felt and knew she was PROUD of me.

Before I stop and write my blogs , I think I know what I want to  be" themed", this one was to be about being "PROUD"  & what meaning it has to you, and who do you respect?

And my answer to both was the same ...... I am PROUD and I RESPECT .....     MYSELF.  

Such a simple concept but ever so hard to achieve & more importantly to "accept"


Once again my mind ticking over. Why?  ..... Why now?   ....... Why can this happen now ?  Why is it working now?   Why is this different to any other time?

Then I found this & it nailed  EVERYTHING FOR ME

 

 

And with that I am ready to embrace the next round with The Boys back at school

 

 

WHAT WILL YOU BE PROUD OF ?

 

With the right ATTITUDE

 

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN

 

                                                      January 2013 at 88kilos

LIFE & You Gotta Be - Des'ree

 

Life - Des'ree

 

So after all is said and done
I know I'm not the only one
Life indeed can be fun, if you really want to

Sometimes living out your dreams,
Ain't as easy as it seems
You wanna fly around the world,
In a beautiful balloon

 

 

 

 

 

I just don't think I can do it, I just don't think I really can do this is what I told myself with everything I did, especially with weightloss.

 

Why bother, when anything I've ever done in relation to weight loss has ever failed me?

The programs don't work. Am I just wasting my money?  ( well Michael's money, he's the "main" provider)   I know me, I 've never stuck to anything, life just gets too busy and I need to be here, I need to be there, I'm tired and I guess, this is who I am . I am Anthea, I'm no-one really important, I'm just pretty empty actually.

I know my children love me, and I think my husband loves me.  It's not that he has said or done anything wrong, he is a wonderful man, but I am just not living up to my end of the bargain. This is not the wife and mother I imagined I would be. I am trapped inside an ugly, fat, repulsive, revolting body. It wouldn't surprise me, if one day he turns around and said, " I just don't find you attractive anymore, I think I love you but you are unattractive" .......    Do you know why?  Because that's what I saw every time I looked into the mirror, everyday when I was carrying 125 kilos. I was an unattractive person, when you tell yourself that, you live it, you breathe it, you walk it, with your head down and you're trying to move  but it's so hard to move when to feel like you are cemented into a place you know, you don't want to be, but I'm stuck !!!! It was a bloody hard place to be.

There's no escaping the obvious, yet I was escaping the responsibility. IT WAS ALL MY DOING. I WAS THE ONLY PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERY CHOICE, EVERY ACTION  .........THAT WAS ME !!!!!

My husband told me he loved me, just as my father told my mother but I just couldn't convince myself  that he could because I didn't like me too much either.

Like I have said before I was physically there with my family, but Michael was the "fun" parent, he was the one ABLE to do things with them.

My body & my attitude never allowed me to be "present". All those excuses, they were ringing loud and clear in my head like an echo.

It would take 21 weeks of 12WBT for me to tell you, I have re-joined my family, and that's what this blog is about it's about two amazing songs from Des'ree called Life & You Gotta be.

It felt like a hard slog in those first 8 weeks, still that self doubt I had no idea where it would lead me, I just knew it was perfect for me because I'm a planner, I have my systems. If we have a trip to take, I would make a list a few days before, tick everything off as I packed it, the car was filled with petrol the night before & cash was in the purse just in case something came up.

So 12 WBT absolutely fitted my tendencies to have a method. Even when I was doing weight watchers, I would plan every meal and have my snacks ready. If I didn't do this I WASN"T DOING IT, I was all or nothing ........ that's why it previously never worked because of Michelle Bridges simple saying ..... Failing to plan is planning to fail.

It's not like I woke up and boom I was loosing weight, I have worked damn hard to get my results.  I was doing all the right things, it just works.  I just did the same thing every week, I menu planned at the same time, I shopped at the same time and I made sure I hit those calorie burn.

Over 100 kilos - I would burn 600-800 calories for 5 days a week, with a rest day & SSS at 1000 calories

Under 100 kilos- Between 400-600 a day for 5 days a week, with a rest day & SSS at 1000 calories.

Plus eating my allocated calories, it simply works. Oh & one other MAJOR thing, my internal thought process has changed, this is not a diet, this is a complete  ( Des'ree) "LIFE' changing attitude, this is who I am , this is what I need to do, I need to do this  EVERY HOUR , EVERY DAY, EVERY WEEK.  If I want this process to work. I need to be consistent.

I really encourage people to write down a wish list of things they would like to do. Set some non-weight challenges, my first round challenge was to climb the 1000 steps.( At the end of this round I want to do those stairs twice)

My challenges for this round, was to try things I've never done before  which I have done.  I have discovered an obsession with the Cross trainer, a piece of equipment I could NEVER see myself using,  ( nor had I stepped on one until this round, once again, I just don't think I can do it but I do)  I am doing CXWorks, Body Balance, I am doing interval running ( all things I have NEVER done before this round)   &  I want to fit into my wedding dress (saving that for week 12 ). These were my challenges for this round,  it was not about a KILO weight loss, it was about setting challenges and achieving them .

I truly believe I was so successful in my first round because I didn't care about the number, I cared about Jenny & just getting myself right. For me , it's not about THE NUMBER, it's about hitting those challenges & those numbers.

So on Thursday I began planning that road trip. After doing to much reflection on my childhood and especially my friends, it was time to go home to Ocean Grove, I needed to see Tara and I needed to forefill a commitment to myself, this was all about the aqua racer.

When we were in Queensland, I was sitting just above 100 kilos, in October 2012. I sat there watching my family in the glorious sunshine. I was feeling pleased with myself for having almost lost 20kgs, but the thought of climbing those stairs, all the way to the top, if I think too much, heights could actually scare me, then to get to the top and kneel down on top a mat. God the fear of my knees buckling under my weight,  I had already replayed the scene over and over my head a thousand times of what could & would go wrong. So I sat there thinking , yes I've come a long way but I have such a long way to go and once again I wasn't apart of my families fun. That I can still leave to Michael but at least I am getting there, I am, and I will do that. If I remain focused and consistent, I will be doing that.

As we walked through the gates at Adventure Park, 3 months after our QLD holiday,  all I could think about was doing it, I had to just do it. I don't care that it's not hot yet, I'm here to do one thing, I am here to climb that aqua racer.

We walked around to suss out what was where. What I could see , were a lot of over weight people sitting under the shade and they looked uncomfortable, they looked sad, hot and uncomfortable, I walk past them thinking, I so know who you are because you are me, 4 months ago. ( It's funny how I have this need to want people to feel like me but I also know it has to come from within the individual too)

We head to the " Lazy River" first, and the tubes come floating down, then I think oh crap, at wet and wild, I couldn't even fit the tube over my wait, I had to lay on my tummy & kick, because I just didn't fit. Well the damn thing goes over without any easy. But it's the balance and I try to over correct myself and tip over, legs and bum pointing to the sk, as I look up, Michael ia roaring with laughter at me ( this is a very happy moment because he is smiling and loving me)  .  I eventually jump and flip my legs out and float, just like a skinny person, no one knows that I am any different, I am just blending in.

Then we made our way over to the paddle boats. Ask me 6 months ago, the answer would be NO, but having 2 children now that are at the age , where one understands they will miss out because only one parent will go on the ride with them , is hard to explain. It was really quite bizarre to go over to the life jackets & just put one on, just a "normal" adult life jacket fitted me. I have always come accustomed to going the XXL or it not even fitting me. So off we went paddling around a lake on the paddle boat, it was easy, comfortable,having fun and burning calories, I  was even  able to bare my weight on my knees and legs to get out of the boat onto the jetty all these things that once upon a time stopped me.

Then the sidetracking had been done ....... it was time. 

Michael & the boys had no idea how many thoughts were going through my head. I lined up to grab my mat. My 5 year old screamed, WHAT ? Mum's getting a mat too? I thought YES MATE, I SO am .

 I think I saw every wet footprint on the path going up to the top, and I ensured I got the middle lane, so I couldn't see over the sides, I didn't look at my family, I just concentrated on putting the mat down, holding on and keeping my grip.  I thought it's just a yoga mat like CX, when that buzzer goes, you are doing it.

The buzzer goes and so do I, it doesn't seem that high because I have my eyes firmly on the first bump, then I loose all perspective because I am airborne, OMG, where is that slide ? I can't feel it beneath my body.  It's like I am flying and for the very, very first time, I wished my guts had that 35 kilos on it, to weigh me down. I got to the bottom with the rush of fear and excitement all at the same time. I still had to bounce to my legs, because I had replayed that in my head too, that I would be stuck unable to lift myself off the ground and the running water underneath my feet. I did that without any care in the world.

I asked Michael, what my face was like when it had finished and he said, "Anth, you looked really scared, but then you smiled. I just didn't realise , that was so hard for you, but you still did it".

And wasn't that the truth ....... this whole wishing to be different, to be in an improved body, to begin something and finish it, it is so scary, it is so hard, but by god isn't it all worth it, just to smile again .......  to be apart of my family again. It was worth every self doubt and it was worth every hard step.  This is the 12WBT, this a whole new "LIFE" for me


YOU GOTTA BE

THIS IS ME HAVING A MOMENT OF WOWNESS & THIS IS MY DAY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

Girl On Fire - Alicia Keys

When I think of incredible people, I look at a mother who is still fighting a battle to save young lives from suicide after her son has left her side taken by the same curse, my husband's father who is a double amputee, a foster mother who has 3 down syndrome adult children. All people who grace my world.

I don't think I'm special , no different to the next person, I am just me, trying to look after me.

My upbringing wasn't too far from the middle, certainly not "typical" but there are a lot more people out there, who have lived with bigger struggles.  I just had to cope with a fair bit in a space of a couple of years and in reflection it was more about other people's actions and how could I make the situation better ?  I was just trying to find a better way, and in doing so creating a better me.

The thing was, I appeared to be coping and saying all the right things but clearly if people wanted to have a deeper look, that wasn't the case, I was eating and abusing my body, I was immensely unhappy ..........  unhappy with myself.

So once I clicked into the motions of 12WBT, I basically did the same thing everyday, I knew each day I had a calorie burn I needed to achieve. Everyone was doing 50 Shades Of Grey, I attempted the first book and the 1st chapter of the second ..... pass, my time was too precious to be wasting it on that !!!! But what I found so funny was, strap on my heart rate monitor and it became my master.  I was doing my own 50 Shades of Me  ..........    Like putting a bridal & saddle on a horse to say lets do it, lets flog this race.  That's what my routine was.

My sand shoes were apart of my "kit", previously my sand shoes were basically my every time ...... everyDAY shoes because my knee were so painful, that it was out of necessity , that was my only option. I would mow the lawns with them, I would wear them to school drop off & pick ups, to a parties,yep all day, everyday footwear.  I had convinced myself it was ALL because of my knees.

Having played so much junior squash, I had triggered a lot of damage in my cartilage and early onset of  osteo-arthiritis. It was never about my weight because that would be admitting and taking responsibility that it was actually this enormous amount of weight I was carrying around and the intense pain I was ramming through them every time I took a step, when I got out of the car, hell even when I got out of the toilet !!!

So my kit would be set up for me, every morning ....... ipod with my workout soundtrack,  I would welcome the beats of FloRida, Usher, Timomatic. Rhianna, Nikki Minaj, David Guetta,  anything with a quick fast beat, those sand shoes, my knee brace, sunglasses, and my amazing heart rate monitor.

As soon as the calories burned ticked over, I'm done, done, done.

Huge tick, now what else to do with my day?  The crazy thing was , I work til late and don't go to bed late, which has always been the case, but I can operate on only 4 hours solid sleep, then get up again to exercise in the gym at 5.30am, yes I'm tired but I just seem to have a lot my energy to be able to do.

When I am just doing it, I feel like I have found my home, exactly where I need to be and when I haven't done it I know through my bones that something is completely missing in my day. My body craves the hit, like an addiction, it has become a need, a want. I'm now not happy if I haven't exercised.

Like fuel on a fire that's me, that's how I feel, I feel Alicia Keys , This girl is on fire. I just set the goal and I do it. If I plug in 40 minutes on the cross trainer that's what I do, if I want to walk 2 laps of the 6.5km lake, that's what I am doing, if I commit to doing it, that's what I'm doing.  No matter how little or if I think I couldn't do it, that's what I was doing. (only once I decided to aim for 3 laps of the lake but it was getting dark & my phone was running out, so 2 it was)

I've always been like that, in everything and I do, start with the little things.

 I don't like tupperware parties, yet I seem to get invited to them, instead of making up an excuse, I've double booked, I don't feel well, I have work commitments, well the answer is, thank you for the lovely invite but I will pass, Tupperware is not my thing but have a great time.

I haven't lied, I haven't crapped on, no excuses, it is what it is.

I have a really basic principal within myself, I am very honest ( as well as mindful) but sometimes, it is what it is. I would much prefer to be hurt with the honest truth, than be hurt with a lie because a  Iie means someone has thought and tried to manipulate the situation. If you are straight up honest, then it is what it is.  Sure I might feel hurt and disappointed but I am not furious  ...... if I know it's a lie, a lie is deceitful !!!! I can always get over the disappointment if it's wrapped up as being honest, might take some time but I do work through it and I also come out respecting that because you've respected me enough, to give me the truth. 

Honouring a person of their word, that's what I respect.

So when I say yes, I'm doing it. Well I'm doing it without any other intention of just doing it !!!

Therefore no more "pretending" that the weight didn't matter because clearly it was holding me back and I WAS LYING TO MYSELF !!!! How can I respect myself ?? If LYING is exactly what I was doing. I wasn't fooling anyone that was clearly there for everyone to see. Me I was the fool walking around with my eyes completely shut.

So start with the little things, say no to an invitation if it's something you don't want to do, you are practising being honest with yourself.

Say no to the McDonald's drive through, say no to the bread on the table, so no to the soft drink, they are all changes that get you to the bigger picture of saying yes to the extra water, yes to the early to bed, saying yes to walking to pick up the kids, yes to that extra work out, yes to not eating midnight snacks, everything I did.

Do it with every situation and it can only becomes easier.

And that's what I did, I never really thought about how enormous the number of kilos I was loosing, it actually didn't matter because I was feeling stronger & unstoppable in everything I did, my head was sitting higher on my shoulders, not only because of the weight around my neck and chins were disappearing, but the mindset was lighter, it wasn't a struggle, I was turning this into an internal love of myself.

 

 

I just did, I just operated, I didn't really think about anyone else other than Jenny & Simone, so when the 12 weeks wrapped up and I could "report" to my facebook world that I had managed 25.2 kilos in that 12 weeks, it seemed like I had opened these flood gates.

Everyone one loving me, and congratulating me, words like being you're inspiring and motivating, amazing were words I heard all the time. I was rather wonderful, yet confusing.

It was as if I was walking around with a neon light flashing on my head, " I'm here, look at me by the way do you know I've lost 25 kilos".

It was so overwhelming, I begged to walk past people and just not engage in a conversation because I just wanted to be alone. ( No eye contact Anthea, so odd same behaviour, same body, different shape )  I wanted an invisible Harry Potter cloak. Which was crazy because, here was Mr Cellophane again but in the positive way this time, I wanted it people not to see me.

 The fact was, all I did was exercise after Jenny died, I didn't do anything else, I didn't want to be near anyone else. We had school holidays, then our QLD holiday and Jenny's funeral.  So people saw me from about 110 kilos to 95 kilos, and a very different shape.

To them it seemed instant but I had been plugging at this every day.

I was having "a moment"  one morning after the kinder drop off and a mother said to me, " You look so amazing, but you look out of sorts?". I said, " It's too much attention, I don't know what to do with all these compliments,"  I had realised that I have always given, and given and given, underneath the radar, never front and centre, just a doer, nothing important just in the background ..... just the way I liked it.  Never has it been the other way around, and it was a really weird place to be !!!!

Her answer was perfect, in her Irish accent she said, "Oh no, people are saying well done, on your commitment to yourself, it has nothing to do with your weight, it has everything to do with your passion, and your desire to want the best from yourself.

WOW,  that sat so much better on me, that I can accept.

See I went through the motions more times than I could even remember with my family, the person I punished the most, was myself, and for once, ..... for once in my life I was celebrating me, not only the weight loss but on how far I have come in being able to accept all that had gone before me & what I had in front of me.

It's the most amazing place to be living in & that's what I want for everyone, to find their inner happiness and their inner peace. That's what I would want, if I could touch people and make them believe that through their wants and actions they could have it all too. God it has to be worth it, every single lesson learnt, there has to be a pay off for all that cost, I've been through.

THIS WAS MY LIFE, MY PAST & MY FUTURE !!!!!

                                                        
   BECOME YOUR OWN FIRE & FIND THE FUEL THAT'S GOING TO
                                                 BURN THAT DESIRE.

                                           BECOME THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE

Eurythmics- When Tomorrow Comes

I remember walking along the beach in Surfers Paradise that week Jenny had died, and I was so much in the zone, I couldn't imagine wanting to stray outside of this very regimented and "protective" cocoon I was in, once again self preserving myself. If I ate EXACTLY what I had planned, and hit those numbers, then those scales were going down. It was sooooo easy, and I was totally channelled into my own safe place.

Queensland was where I needed to be, I was away, I was busy, I was focused, I had my moments alone ( which is honestly the safest place for me) and I had my boys & I was going to see one of my longest and beautiful girlfriends in Haley.

Haley and Tara , those 2 girls have always been there for me, no matter what has happened in my world, and I've had both these girls since kindergarten. They have always just loved me unconditionally  ....... even understood my mother & my need to be a mother !!!!!

My mother, really stopped being a "mother" when I was about 14 but physically didn't leave my father and our family until I was 17.

My mother had something on every night, Monday tennis, Tuesday bingo, Wednesday squash, Thursday- "drinks with the girls" & kareoke, Friday-Squash, Saturday-Tennis, Sunday- squash again. 

It helped the I was a very talented squash player, I won many junior tornaments and travelled the states, I also was undefeated for 2 years in the junior squash league. I actually never understood how good I was. I had a feeling I was pretty good, when I was on the court, I had a packed house and people loved watching my natural talent but I just never got overalled by it, I just loved doing it, I just happened to be good at it too.

( Gosh this blogging, really amazes me because I am self reflecting and things just make sense now !!!!! Right in this moment I am working things out that not even therapists could understand)

Mum and I played in the same team together ( from the age of 14-18) . We would be a team of 4 individual players number 1-4, because I was a junior,  I was ranked at about 3/4, my mother .... she was number 1.

We would play our matches and win as a team. Afterwards we would sit down and have a feast, I mean a feast !!!! We would have nachoes, sandwiches, pizza, soft drink, dips, chips, quiches, anything hot was amazing ..... but looking back at this behaviour, I was already being encouraged to play sport, then eat food LATE at night, and I mean midnight, this was during the week, and this was repeated on Friday nights too. Oh and alcohol, I must not forget the alcohol, for the adults not me  !!!!!!

It was rather convinent for mum to have a 17 year old daughter, because I was able to "drive" being on my L Plates, so what did it matter that my mum would sleep, passed out from the grog in the car,when I drove , wasn't that just an extension of playing with the adults?

So we would back that up again on Friday nights too, Friday a little different because that was mixed competition in Ocean Grove, all locals and yes I was very popular with the crowd, I was a bit of an eye opener because of my talent, and it's only now I write this that it's dawned on me, my mother was jealous of me, always has been. This attention towards me and not her? Not that I even cared, I just sat in the corner, after the game had finished, just like Missy Higgins- Everyone's waiting, I've got a role to play, shine but not too much but worlds away is a mother to daughter relationship. ( I've been doing this for so long I could tie the knots behind my back)

While sitting in the corner I would watch my mum "tranform" into this party girl, it wasn't a Friday night if my mother wasn't dancing on a table top or giving her version of a lap dance, to some male.

Why would I ever want to be attractive? Why would I ever want that type of attention? When I was 7, I was molested so my "need" to be attractive or even noticed to the other sex? No thank you. Just repulsed me I'll leave that all up to my mother, she seemed to do all that on her own, quite well.

At the end of the night I would sit in the car watching my mother being chatted up by another male, who desperatley wanted to have an affair with her. I knew what conversation was going on, I would flash my lights, to get her into the car  ......you  drunk thing, I would think to myself. I need to get you home to dad. My poor bloody father, how the hell did he love her?

So it would come as no suprise that then when Easter rolled around and I was 17, I had, had enough !!!!! I wanted a shot at being a "normal" family. We lived very seperately, I would be going to squash with mum, or Simone and I would be going to The Vineyard with dad.

Dad was a wine maker and would crush the grapes and mix the wine, that was his "hobby". We would spend hours there playing but never anything as a family.

When we got home mum was either out the door, or dad would be stuck in the corner plugging away on the computer, I can't remember any positive communication between them and whenever there was a fight, mum would take off with Simone, never me, always Simone. I had to remain with dad.

Yes, yes,  Easter. Dad had bought this pretty funky little red suzuki, we would pack the dog up in it and we would take it down to the Otways, go off road and just thrash the hell out of it, I'm sure he just loved hearing us girls sqweal in the back,

Mum had walked in the door and I jumped up with this master plan, now remember I'm 17, and I announce, lets get out and take the car out and be a family. My mother's reply, " No , Anthea you don't understand I dont want to be apart of this family, you need to go .... without me".

I shrugged my shoulders, and looked at dad ?????

He said, "lets go girls", so dad took us into the bush and we still managed a good time. We stopped into an ice-cream shop, and went into a park in Torquay and we sat in the middle of a merry- go -round, just dad, Simone and I. Dad said to me, "Thank-you Anthea, I think we can do this".

When we arrived home, mum had packed all her bags , she really didn't have to explain anything , it was obvious, but she did," I'm leaving your father".

I replied, " Well I think that's a good idea, you need time away from this house because at the moment your not a wife, your not a mother, and we aren't a family, I think you need to work out who Helen is first ...... come back ...... come back in a week, a couple of weeks, ..... a month, but you can't be making us all live like this".

I looked at dad, again shrugged his shoulders and walked off.

So out the door she walked, and I had a sigh of relief because I didn't have to cover up for her actions anymore !!!!!   Dad to this day, never knows what I saw.

I become the person who functioned the house, I made all the meals, and did the washing, the shopping ( the menu planning) and I became the main carer of DAD & SIMONE.

So in a small community as Ocean Grove was, everybody had an opinion on why my mother left, and I endured a lot !!!! So hard it was because I thought she was always coming back, my dad told her everytime she entered the house that he loved her and he needed her back, but she was free.

The moment she left , I was trying to figure out, how can she come back, how I could show her that I loved her, I could forget everything I had seen because my father loved her and that was his want !!!! How can I make everyone happy?

I was working at Tuckerbag the local supermarket, in the deli, making $5 something an hour & going to school in Geelong a 45 minute bus ride.

Haley and I both went to the same kindergarten, same primary school, played tennis together, and we were the only 2 girls from our primary school to be accepted into a Girls School in Geelong, therefore our seat was always saved on the bus next to each other.

Haley taught me so much, she taught me how to be strong, when I watched her grieve for a boyfriend who died in a car accident and her 3 week old neice was killed when her sister made a terrible mistake, I was able to hug her and to protect her.

Haley and I also worked at Tuckerbag too, so when our pay went in on a Wednesday we would shop in the supermarket and get a bavarinan dessert and a stick of kabana to eat on the bus home. '

One thing I really admired about Haley was her maturity, she was saving up for her "glory box" for when she moved out of home, she introduced me to laybying.

So I went into Katie's with Haley and I asked her to teach me how to layby. So I searched the store for a beautiful knitted jumper, I can still see it. I thought it was beautiful !!!!

I went in and payed that jumped off weekly, until Mother's Day.

Then I wrapped it up and got dad to drive me to the unit mum was living. I figured, if she could see how much I spent on this jumper she would want to come back and be my mother again.

Dad waited in the car, he knew this was important to me. I clearly, clearly remember handing it to her, perfectly wrapped. I saying, " Happy Mother's Day", She opened it and everything I had rehersed in my head disappeared, when she said, " Oh, it's nice, but you know I can't wear this because I don't want to be your mother anymore, and handed it back to me .....  you need to take this back.

I walked away thinking, I just don't know what else I am to do?

I looked at dad who saw the half opened present in my hand, and he had tears in his eyes. " OH ANTH", I'm not sure if he was crying for me, I had put myself out there and got trampled on by my own mother or whether it was the realisation that she wasn't coming home.

Somehow we just moved on, never a moment passed that dad kept begging her, I stayed away from her and Simone, well , Simone was just very quiet.

Never wanting any attention , especially now everyone knew my families business, I wanted my birthday to just pass, so I was thrilled when a male friend, Simon took me down the coast for a drive for my birthday, perfect !!!!

When we rolled into home, there were a few cars in the street, never occurred to me that when I opened the front door, every person, literally who was in my address book was standing there in my loungeroom. SUPRISE HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY.

God , it was so overwhelming. Old friends, school friends, work friends, squash friends god everyone .... Oh & a stranger who I've never seen,  as  my mothers' "guest" for the night.

This night seems okay, all my friends like me and o-kay it's my birthday, funny I can't remember having birthdays other than my McDonalds Birthday when I was 7 and I got the Nolan sisters record. So it was nice having all these people there just for me.

We are sitting there having a good time, when my mum, clearly intoxicated swings the door open, clearly drunk with this guy behind her groping her, dress was hitched up,  her underwear and stockings ripped. It was obvious that she had just had sex with him outside. I have NEVER seen a party exit so quickly, like someone had passed wind in an elevator ...... QUICK GET OUT OF HERE !!!!!

I was left with 2 friends, sitting on their chairs, Tara & Haley.

They would hear me scream at my mother,  her reply, " You don't care about me, I've thrown you a party and you don't care about me". FOREVER the victim !!!!!!
( I would continue withmum for the next 16 years)

I ended up throwing her car keys in the backyard, as she couldnt drive and I made her walk home. In the heat of the argument, she went to slap me.

Dad, stopped her, and she yelled at dad," hit me, hit me and I'll call the cops". He just cried, and cried, he asked her to leave, because she had pushed too hard this time, she walked back home ...... but he followed her to make sure she was safe ...... but still sitting there was Tara & Haley.

So when I am in QLD, and Jenny has died, it is Tara, who calls me first. " Oh honey, I know you heart is breaking", she asks, " Are you o-kay? and I lay in the bed, I can't talk, I just have nothing but this pain in my throat. I finally tell her, Tara, I'm 100 kilos, next week I will be at 99, Jenny needed to see me at 99, she needed to see me skinny, I needed Jenny to see me skinny. Oh how hard I tried to get to that number for Jenny but she just couldn't hold on for me.

What makes it so bareable is that Haley lives in Brisbane and will be with me in a couple of days, so I am exactly where I need to be.

So I'm back on that Surfers Paradise beach, back in the ZONE nothing else mattered, these 12 weeks were all about me, about me and my weightloss, I now edge towards 20 kilos weight loss with 3 weeks left, I'm going to push to 25 kilos, like an obsessed machine, I live ...  eat ....  sleep and dream 12WBT !!!!

Prior to that I wasn't sure whether I was going to go onto the next round, Christmas, School Holidays, no routine, hell that was 90 % of the round and I will fail, I won't be loosing weight, hell, I eat like there's no tomorrow during that time and to be measured?    Too hard !!!!!

But after those long walks, I had to adjust my thinking. I'm finishing this round off in glory, I'm loosing 25 kilos, and if I dont, I can at least say I did everything I possibly could to get there !!! I am doing the next round, but my approach is completely and utterly different, I'm not obsessing about the numbers, I'm not wanting weight loss every week, I'm going to do everything I can do.

I began the 2nd round waking up at 5am everyday and doing gym work, and a walk to reach the 500 calories burned, just the way I finished, but by the following Wednesday , my body fell into a heap, I was SOOOOOO tired !!!!

I couldn't even empty the lunch boxes after school, I went to bed at 6pm and woke up at 7.30am. Hmmmmm clearly that's not going to be sustainable if I am working til midnight. God, this round needs to be different, because I dont have the same time factor as I did when the boys are at kinder/school. My expectations need to change.

My want and desire is still there, but I have choosen to listen to my body, if it's tired, I'm resting, if it's hurting, I'm resting, I am resting and adjusting. I'm still meal planning and shopping and drinking my water, but the exercising is not consistent. When I am able to exercising, I am doing at least 500-700 calories in that day, and I LOVE IT !!! It's not a hastle, and have this absolute need and desire and want to be there, doing exactly that. I hold on to, that when I am able to do it, I am loving it and I feel passionate about it.

In the past, I've always fallen into this ALL OR NOTHING attitude. I was either counting all my points, perfectly or I was ruining the whole day, hectic .... I was ruining the whole week and blaming everything, "time of the month, bloating, I had a few nights out", and my new beginning point was after weigh in day !!!!

I have found this round,  I am still doing 80% right, but I am snacking where I shouldn't be, and the snacks aren't even bad, it's fruit, watermelon, a rice cake but I'm not beating myself up about it, I am owning it but not blowing it !!!!! In the past if I blew it, I was pizza, chips, ice-cream, all washed down with "diet coke" because if it said, "diet"   didn't that technically mean I was still trying ?

So this round my loss is not great, nor am I tying to justify that. It is what it is, but I have done everything I have allowed myself to do, I am in control ... not out of control.

I am allowing myself to be measured, not this all or nothing attitude, and to be realistic but most of all , I am still listening to my inner voice.

My inner voice is also telling me to be balanced in my family life too. When Michael is working and the boys are at school, It can TOTALLY be about me and tick all those boxes, but whilst on holidays, my family needs me, I need to be a mother. I need to create these amazing memories with them.

They are so important because they will grow up reflecting on their childhood, and I don't want them to have the memories ( or non memories)  I have when I think of my family.

So it's holidays, it doesn't mean relax & throw EVERTHING out, I'm being measure, adjusted but more importantly,  I'm still staying true to the person I want to be and the mother & wife I need to be, because their needs are just as important as mine, at the moment . I'm just more aware of the balance of OUR happiness as well as mine.

WHEN TOMORROW COMES

When I hear this song I can totally hear my mum practising for her kareoke night, Thorn in my side, she would belt out too. She was forever telling us she felt trapped.

But when tomorrow comes ..... we were trapped in the choas that was her life !!!

Tomorrow never came for my dad, she never came back.

I don't ever want my boys to feel my needs came before their needs, their has to be a realistic balance and something that is sustainable, but more importantly I want to be there for my family, as well be there for myself.

Once again the pain & memories have to be for something, I am a good mother, a good wife but I also think I'm o-kay too !!!!